Dark of Night

It was the Inn that I blamed my inability to sleep. All the noise, the footsteps of boots across the tems. I wondered a few times if they sounded like the walk of Trusk. In reality it was my body that was intent on keeping me awake. Again I have to quell the belly and the urges like I did many years ago when Max first left. By the time Akil met me I had become a woman terrified of touch and he forced his way through the high walls I put up and gave me a place to be what I was. Meeting up with Dawson again was the undoing of the heat let out. Now he is gone and his intensive training of the last hands must be reversed and I must put my body at rest and to a dormant stage again. It is so hard with the heart connected to each part of my flesh. It will be my will that must break the chain.

The night tossed and turned away. My thoughts to Trusk. I saw him briefly from my window as he came back to the Inn. The last conversation we had bringing a newborn hope. I am trying to have a strong outlook, forward movement. Seeking the future like he has urged me to do. Still, the darkness will come and go as the emotions run their course and settle into something liveable. He is understanding and strong. I am grateful for his presence in my life. I hope he feels the same about mine.

A Man Called Trusk

It is funny how things happen. The night I met Trusk the first time, he was treading water in the Vosk river off the shore of Destiny Point. It was the night that I visited there with Lucian. Here was a man who kept me in conversation about the winery and seemed to enjoy speaking business with me and I remember leaving there with a smile and hoping I would see him again. I don't often get a chance to talk about anything and everything. It was quite some time before I ran into him again and now he is my guard.

The timing is perfect. I think it is best that Aris and I have some time apart. In a sense I have run away from home. I can not be there right now and traveling with Trusk seems to let me free my spirit a bit and enjoy it. I have not heard from Max yet so patiently wait for word of a visit with the children but in the meantime I am taking life with fresh approach. Today I am going to find someplace where I can swim. For no other reason but that I want to.

I am very relaxed with him and perhaps it is because I told him the truth from the start. I have nothing to hide and he knows I suffer and am going through a healing process. I find I like him very much. To laugh and chatter, to be talked back to is like a gift. Feeling safe and protected is a plus. The playful woman has not been allowed out in so long that I feel like I act so silly at times but I feel it is very good for me to spread my wings and let myself be as I am.

He took a space in the tarn cot of the Inn to make sure I had a room. I feel so bad that he is out there in the cold so have made sure that the Inn Keeper has extra furs and anything he needs sent to him.

I left him a note with the Inn Keeper last night letting him know that he will soon be Captain of a new ship. "The Wandering Vine" will be finished in about a hand. I am so very excited! Losing such a large percentage of the winery will make this purchase a bit more tight than I hoped. While I am in no threat of the winery suffering for the depletion of cash, still I will not have Aris owning any part of that ship. It will come from my fifty-five percent of the winery. Dawson was a little too generous with what is MINE!

Risk and Regret

I am a free woman now. Aris now owns a portion of my winery and he is kept at a distance from me. Now that he has such a percentage, he can well do the work.


In an effort to show that I was independent I insulted Dawson to the point that he released me. What an error in judgement this was on my part, a regrettable moment that I was trying to be pleasing. The times I have approached him in public, he has acted cool or sent me away so in my thinking I thought to not approach him because I really thought that was what he wanted. The timing of all of this leads me to believe this is more than it is.

He said it himself, from his own lips.. "She is bred and has been given too many freedoms." He did the same thing, he joined the ranks of men he has scoffed at since I have known him. How disappointing he is. I am his prize, his beast, his devoted slave, that can not change just because he says so. I know in my heart I am all of these things. I remember his words from him telling me he would always love me. Dawson does not lie. If I am all of these things to him, why does he not put me beneath his collar and whip and teach me what he has scoffed at all this time? Put up or shut up comes to mind.


I submitted myself to him upon a public path. Without care or thought of anything but him and my place at his feet I stripped and begged him to teach me the error of my ways. He stepped over this woman he loves, the woman he called his prize without care or taking responsibility for what he has created in this woman. One more owner among the many of this planet that doesn't take care of what is his.


Yes, I am angry. I am there for the long haul.. I submit myself to anything he can do to me. I am the stronger.


Yes, I am enraged.


I sat down with Trusk and I told him exactly what I had done today. I told him everything. I told him that I stripped and submitted to be walked away from. I will not lie to the man and let him find out by gossip. I will not lead anyone to believe anything but exactly what I am. One more discarded slave .. a sickness in this society that really isn't this way. Yet, I am a free woman. It was a risk, yet another of a black day in my life. He could have collared me. He had every right to put me in a collar. He did not. He thanked me for the truth and realizes that he might some day find me at the feet of Dawson in a collar. Perhaps he is more optomistic than I but he was kind. He listened and lent me a shoulder to cry on and put me in motion to a future. I am buying a ship for him to Captain to move the wines around and other cargo. While it all sounds grand and will be once I accept what I am given for this so called life .. inside is a dark place. I am sick into my soul.


To mark the worst day in my life I took the dagger that I had purchased for Dawson. It was a gift marking the two years since we were drawn together after all those years past when he first saw me with Jaren and knew I would be his one day. The knife cut deep into the mark Akil put there.. it bled profusely and for a time I let it bleed, to feel the pain of this day, to never forget the worst mistake of mine to date. Over this "A" is cut deep with a "D". Yes, that will probably anger him too but I am a free woman now............aren't I.

More Surprises

When on my way back from shopping I came upon Dawson who looked extremely angry at me. I thought to do a nice thing for Aris by giving him some time off. I know Dawson pays him now but did not realize Dawson has been paying my other guards as well. He is furious and said Claudus would be killed. Well, perhaps I didn't care at first but I really hope he doesn't have to die... he is just not as good as Aris is at his job. While I know I will have to deal with his anger, in a way it is reassuring ..

I wonder if I dare give him the gift I bought him. I wanted to mark the two en'vars.. ah well.

I did as Dawson told me, I went straight back home. I didn't disturb Aris.. he needs some time off and time to enjoy some personal time.

Normalcy

He is home from traveling! Aris brought Dawson up to speed on the work Aris and I did this past hand. I need to find several things.. a ship builder and a kaiila breeder. I will be getting a couple of the beasts for Aris. For this addition I will need to expand the stables to house them. I will meet with a builder this hand to see about starting construction before the winery gets busy.

It was good to see him, I have missed him greatly this past hand.

The Longest Hand Ever..

While I have been extremely busy this hand, still it seems to drag on by as I impatiently try to patiently wait for his return from business. I am rather excited to show him the progress Aris and I have made this week and wonder if he will feel there was progress made.. You can never tell with him.

We have been up at dawn and to bed late. It keeps me busy so I don't get too weepy over the absense of my darling brood. I am fixing a package to send to them with a note telling them I will be coming to see them soon.

I love the vineyard at this time of year.. the air is cold, wilds a bit aggressive from the river. A quiet about the land as it rests and gains strength for the next growing season. The cask makers have been busy and working over time. Aris has been seeing to their bonus for their time put in. All in all, things are running smoothly.

A Project

After Dawson left, Aris and I worked on a project before I had the chance to walk the property and see a bit more of this stable. Dawson will be traveling and so he has set to keep me busy, Aris and I are to work together. The winery is quiet right now. The harvest is in, bottling the seasoned wines won't be for another few hands so the property is quiet right now. Many of the field hands have gone home to their families.

I explored the stable more. The lower level is used for cask building and storage, the upper level sits empty and unused. It seems my guard enjoys training kaiila, perhaps I ought to get him a few to keep him busy. He and Dawson seem to put their heads together quite often. ::smirk::

Each stall explored, it was just a stable but a place that will have meaning to me for some time to come.

It is amazing what good changes can take place when the need before them is much more stronger than the fear. The fears melt away, the confidence blossoms.

Welcome home, Bela.

Peace and Loneliness

I miss my children terribly. On many occasions I will grow weepy over the emptiness of the house. It is the quiet time of the vineyard so the work is not enough to fully absorb me. I haven't heard from Max with a report of how they are doing. I worry over Madeline, I am concerned that young Max me feel a bit lost without Aris. Regarding Maxine, I am concerned for Max having to deal with her moodiness of puberty or perhaps I should enjoy that he is getting his own taste of it!

I have not seen or heard from Lucian in quite a while. Perhaps he has no interest in me visiting Destiny Point any longer. I am not sure what to make of what we are when we speak. At times it feels odd. With Dawson I know exactly what he sees when he looks at me. Perhaps that is the confusion with the Scribe. I do not know what he sees when he looks at me while we speak. I probably will never know, his absense is noted.

I am not sure what status the trip to Bazi is in right now. I have not the chance to speak to Dawson yet he is never far away from me. I am ready.

The side that does not miss her children is very much at peace and rather enjoying this new bit of what life has to offer.

I have been invited to a picnic and await to hear from Chimene on when it is. It is something I am looking forward to.

Continued Changes

It was a moment hard to describe. We had been here once before... Me so quiet, he concentrating and my following the lead with a hushed silence yet so much more was beneath the surface. While I was full of questions and chatter, I didn't give into these urges in more of a need to observe him and the surroundings, the gate that led to this quiet spot. The icey cold water of the fountain.

Yes, it is hard to describe, the exchange by energy.. words didn't need to represent a thing.

I did not tell him .. I went home to an empty house. Two nights prior Max and I agreed that he would take the children for a two month trial period. Already I count the days and I find I worry over our youngest, my sweet Madeline.. is she lonely, is she doing alright without me? She seemed excited about the trip but the last look back at me as she bravely boarded the ship showed she was a bit frightened. I am sure she is fine.. I wonder if I will be. It was time for this day to come, I am just not sure I am ready..

Max's arrival put off the trip to Destiny Point for a bit, I had planned to go there before I left for Bazi but now there will not be time.

Overnight Guest

Maximus arrived with Maximillian bearing gifts for the three children. The reunion was heart warming and filled with laughter. The four children soon with their heads together playing games. Each child so unique and different. Maxine our oldest growing into a young woman, young Maximus greeting his father man to man yet such a young boy hugging his father so tight, Madeline who is so full of energy and interest in anything the others are doing, and Maximillian, a young man so comfortable with his brothers and sisters that you would not think they lived in separate homes. I have to say I enjoyed the evening very much.

Once the children were rapt in their games, I took the opportunity to talk to Max. Something that has been on my mind for a very long time.. something I feel is the right thing to do for the four children more than anyone else needed to be discussed. I have asked if he would like to try a trial period of having our three go to Port Cos with he and Maximillian. Of course this was met with suspician and I could feel Max trying to figure out what I was up to or hiding, as the case may be. He questioned me about Jula, why I left, and what happened between me and Akil. I told him pretty much what happened. Our home had grown quiet and Dawson, whom I had known a great many years before, challenged me to live life and so I did. I suppose Max saw a little bit through the vagueness but what is there to tell. Life is not about enduring it but living it and I have finally stopped waiting for Max. I suppose part of me will always have wished it had turned out differently but at the same time.. living on hope has become very old. I am inspired and my focus held strongly in a different direction. Max said he should pull me over his knee and spank me for my elusiveness and that may have brought a blush to my cheeks and thankfully we didn't have to experience the surprise on his face. He agreed to take the children for two months to start and see how it goes... I am very hesitant, nervous as well but this is for my children, not me. They need to know the City that is theirs, the home that is theirs.. their father and their brother. My greatest fear all along of letting them go was that they would be taught that I am less than their mother. Being their mother is the one thing I have done well, that is one thing I will not have taken away from me.. I have been a good mother. It is time I trust Max to remind them of that on occasion and to not allow our children ever to think less of me. A hard decision but it is done and it will be good for them to have experiences away from home. I have full invitation to come to Port Cos at any time and see them.

It grew late, Max was given a room to stay in and Maximillian stayed in young Maximus' room. I imagine the two boys were up half the night goofing off. Max and I have become so civilized yet I will say that Aris was a bit more protective of the door of my chambers during the night. Aris and Max will probably never mend their fences.

Counsel

I realize that I have no women friends in which to confide or disinterested parties in which could listen without some sort of investment in the outcome. For a long time I have been mulling something over but have been afraid to let the words be heard, afraid it would put the action into motion when I am not sure I am ready for this yet. I took a leap of faith and confided in someone I feared the most to tell these thoughts to. I feel better saying it and facing that I have these thoughts and the guilt that comes along with it. My focus was redirected for me, my view skewed to remember two things. I left this meeting barely able to breath but such a feeling of calm and peace.

Later I saw Lucian at the springs. The trip to KoRoBa is off but I have been invited to Destiny Point to visit. Perhaps I will take him up on that since it is not that far down river. Much like Port Cos yet Max seems to keep getting lost on the short journey. I wait patiently to speak to Max.

Once home I asked to meet with Aris. I am told I can trust him yet I do find I watch him like a herlit, timing him to see if he has the time to sneak off and take meetings with Dawson. He did this before. So far I think he is on the up and up. I brought to him a request that surprised him or perhaps did not surprise him at all. I almost regretted making him part of this but he managed to accept my request and help me. I do not know what has come over me, I am driven to succeed.

Gift of Clarity

I am not sure how it came to pass .. while part of me wants to question this change, it is best that I focus on taking care of what I have been given. And I am. I am not sure what changed in me to be so accepting and so willing. Maybe I am finally understanding that I have nothing to prove .. all I have to do is to be me, to let go and allow myself to be me.

The other day I was given the greatest of gifts. Connection, kind words, a union of emotion. No hashing out a past. I think it may have been the single most perfect moment in my life. It is a moment that I will not soon forget and one that will be cherished for quite some time to come.

I know who I am, I understand my purpose and I will learn to be everything I can be.

History

I had the opportunity to introduce Dawson and Maximus. I have to say it was a civil experience, much unlike Akil meeting each of the two men. I am rather sure the only thing they might disagree on is Aris. Dawson and Aris have a great respect for one another and Max and Aris would prefer to kill each other than look at each other.

Lucian came along a bit later and I found myself in the most interesting of positions. I was surrounded by three of the four men that have had the most influence in my life. Each of them so very different, each of them having great impact on me as a person. Lucian had to find out in the most unkind ways that Sekret had been claimed by another. I was there when the two first came together in a claimed arrangement for many reasons. Two friends becoming one. They have a lot of time together. Later I found him to make sure he was doing well. It is not like I can do a thing to ease that discomfort, only time can do that but I was there. How odd our relationship is now. Once upon a time I was the most beautiful of women at his feet. He always made me feel that way.

Maximus, my Maximus. I had waited for so long for that man to come to his senses and realize we belonged together. Time marches on. His actions are a little backward and for the wrong reasons. His pulling me to his lap might have meant something had we been alone and it was me that this action was meant for. Glaringly obvious that it was for the the others there, a possessive motion. That has been the one consistent thing about him in all the years I have known him. Too bad he never did these things for me but an audience. He seemed puzzled that I would not wiggle on his lap like a robed slut, something I will not do. Soon a woman came along that snagged his attention. I had to chuckle, Maximus will never change. I imagine he met up with her later. Such a charmer that man is.........

Dawson seemed to know the woman too, there seemed a tension between the three.. what a small world it is sometimes.

The Scribe

I had settled to a bench at the springs to enjoy some time away from work. It took me a moment to realize that a man there I knew very well, or had known many years ago. It was his voice that drew my attention, my gaze settled on him in pleasant surprise. Lucian Simon, the Scribe that took me to Port Kar. A man that seemed so reserved to my outward brazenness and boldness. He had surprised me and had been one of the more happier times in my life.

It was very different speaking to him as free man to free woman and not Master to slave. Now I am the one reserved in manner, it is now expected of me, I have never taken my freedom for granted and have never allowed it to give me permission to behave loosely. I suppose a conflicting statement for a woman born into slavery. As a free woman I subdue those urges as expected of me and as Lucian reminded me.. I was always the consummate actress and had an ease in pretending things didn't bother me when really they did.

I thanked him for being the owner he was to me, this may have surprised him. At the time I knew I was very lucky to have an owner like him. He had always engaged my mind alongside his training of me. The trip to Schendi not forgotten, the apartment above his office where many ahns were spent helping him still remembered fondly.

He is different now but not so different.

He invited me with him to Destiny Point. The company of another man and woman there made for an enjoyable eveing. A pleasant evening spent there and our goodnights so formal and proper. It was a restless night spent in the room given to me for the night. Once on my way in the morning, Turmus not far down river, a rented skiff posed a quick way home and a beautiful day to enjoy on the water.

I have no idea how I feel about anything anymore. Have I become so skilled at pretending I am never bothered that I have convinced myself of this as well? Dawson's presence is so huge and in my field of vision, I feel I see nothing clearly at all right now. The Scribe as well unsettling the dust of a better time in life.

As I said to Lucian. Perhaps someday I will be what I really am.

Someday.

Changes

Aris has been fired as my guard. While he has not left the cottage and vineyard, I am rather adept at not seeing him. No longer could I look at him and not feel the pang of loneliness in my heart that he reminds me is there for his "silent partner". Forgiveness is not forthcoming to my traitor of a guard to the payroll of Dawson. I allow him to stay for the children, they see him as a parental figure and he takes very good care of them. Young Maximus is doing well with his warrior training. Many times he has caught me at my desk staring off into space. Once he commented that he knew where I was in spirit if not in body. That was the day he was banished from speaking to me again.

Claudus has taken Aris' place, he has beneath him Jarid and Pethdor.

I have some weighty decisions to make but I seem to have to tangle with my greatest flaw... indecision.

Relief and Regret

A Chapter ends.. I am not surprised, but I regret that it could not find a happy ending in this chapter I had so much hope for. I should come with a warning label stating flat out that everything that goes wrong is 100% my fault, no one elses, only mine. No one need share in the blame of failure with me around. *smirk* I buckled under the pressure.. the weight of the world brought me down. I am relieved and released from the stress of feeling under fire and defensive to a long past. I regret that I lost a friend in trying to make this work. I had misgivings and should have opted to save the friendship instead of the path traveled. Be well, you will be missed.

Again I am free. It suits me fine in most ways, I can see my children and have a grand reunion. I am not sure what to do about Aris right now.. I view him as a traitor to my best interests, he is not yet fired but he is not the guard that will be at my side any time soon.

I am not sure if I can face the Masked man of the cliffs.. I care very much what he thinks of me. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

It is time I am just Bela, free or slave.. simply Bela and nothing but Bela.

Done.

The Cliffs Again

I roam more now than I ever did. Again I saw the masked Master and I was delighted to see him and he brought me a treat! His new girl baked for him and he thought to bring a bit along with him. I spent a bit of time in service to him and he sent me to serve a haughty free woman that seemed more eager to be at a mans feet than any woman I have seen yet. Her attitude and over the edge rebelliousness I am sure got her just what she wanted. Pointedly she asked me if I preferred to be at the feet of men and pointed out the Master Mateo.. of course, I could not lie and told her that yes, it is at his feet I would prefer to be. She sent me off with a smirk and I could see plainly her jealousy that it was I that allowed to kneel there.

Soon after he was leaving to attend some business.. she must of whispered something to him as she passed, she spurred his anger to be sure. He protests his hatred of free women quite vocally but enjoys it just the same.. Men, go figure.

The winery if flourishing but of course, it would be.

The Masked Man

How bold was I tonight. I think it was the way he looked at me at first. His gaze on me made me think about my posture and I did preen a slight for his continued attention. A man on kaiila and a mask worn. I know what he is, I lived with the Tuchuks a time back when Trajen and another took me from the arena. I crept toward him and soon found myself lost in conversation with him. Before I knew it an ahn had gone by and I was still rapt and he with ease seemed to know things about me. A beauty was called to him, he looked at her and knew she would be his slave. She is a barbarian with pale features, dark hair and pretty slanted eyes.

I took my leave to offer them some privacy. I have been invited to visit with him again and I do look forward to doing so. A little giddy from the kiss he took from me, leashed, I was led down the hill. I have become so introverted and reclusive.. I have no idea what inspired my boldness but for a while tonight I was comfortable in my own skin.

Reminders

I bathed a man not my Master nor my Companion. While I felt comfortable in the bath with him, I realized that it had been quite some time since I had been in this situation and this vulnerable to a man I do not know. I was allowed to speak, I have become so introverted over the years. Perhaps a woman in hiding would be that way. Conversation was pleasant, the High Jarl is a nice man and while he was expectant that I would take care of him as he expected, I enjoyed the time. Perhaps I garnered a good word to my Master as now I am back in my world of silence and she-sleen.

I imagine I must be amusing to men such as him, body responsive and mind so prudish. I have watched other free women over time and listened to conversations of other veiled women. In my efforts to keep myself free I became so rigid. Bred for heat and the facade of cool to keep my lovely neck free of metal ring. I suppose I have taken that to the opposite extreme but I am proud of the fact that in freedom, I was not a common slut.

There is much challenge ahead of me and changes as I learn the return to me. I rise in the morning placing my focus on what must be done in the day, letting the rest take care of itself.

Trip to Hunjer

I was taken to a place called Hunjer to visit with Master. It has been a great many years since I have been to the north, I remember living there for a time when Jaren left to live there.. right after I had my Master in fact. When Jaren died, Jarl Bruule took me as his to care for me. It was then that I met Maximus.

The High Jarl and his intended Lady seem very nice. I would enjoy their company if still free. I did end up moving crates around and scrubbing the kitchen floor and other chores as well. I met a curious little animal that batted at my hair as it dragged on the floor, it is rather cute. When I reached out to pet it, I realized that I have been so lonely for such a very long time. Amazing that a small animal can teach that. I found myself wanting to cry but I didn't dare as I might displease. It is very important to me to please my Master and his friends.

I am not sure if it is Master that has changed or if it is me.. perhaps we both have since we parted ways. I must find myself and grow comfortable in my skin while making sure that I do not faulter in my service. I try not to miss my children too much but it is very hard.

Shy new slave

While the turn of my thinking will take some work, my body is being taught once again what it was born to be. I must confess that I am sore and my muscles ache.. it has been many... years? since I have laid beneath a man. Akil was never gentle with me but it has been since with him that I have serviced a mans body. Master sat back sending me off to seduce Aris, in some ways I feel like a shy new slave.. I remember those days as a teen, newly into my blossoming body put to the task of seducing the men of the slaving house, working on my skills. Becoming a free woman had changed the direction of my thoughts and what was once like breathing to me is now leaving me clumsy and careful. Once upon a time I would go for a man's laces without a hesitation or thought, the cuff or push away always worth the risk. I approach the men like a free woman now.. careful, hesitant, waiting to be allowed to be that way. I have much to relearn. I felt like I was more my old self when first with Master.. was I or am I imagining it?

Rewind

How many times have I found myself here.. once more, starting again, trying to figure out who I am ... yet, again. My most recent secret.. a hand ago I considered throwing myself at any slavers feet to stop this vicious cycle. My greatest fear is my children being told I am weak, a slut, or worse. I do not want them taught that I was a nothing. I brought them into this world with the greatest of love, I love their father with all my heart.. they were not an act of lust but a entwining of hearts to make these wonderful young people. For all my mistakes in my life, the one thing I did well was be their mother.

I realize I have put myself in this prison, running from my past and being ashamed of it. I have been dragged back over and over by the same men and been allowed to live a fake life of a free woman. In some respect I was very happy in that role. I had work that I loved and plenty to keep me busy but it is time for me to face my birth. I was born a slave. Bred to a perfection, what perfection I will never know. I came from a breeding house of high quality slaves in Port Kar.. a place where the most proud and vivacious of slaves are born. When did I forget that and is that when my slow decline began?

Dawson invited the free woman Bela to dinner. I asked him if he had missed me and his answer was yes, he had missed me very much.. I know I had missed him greatly, his absense has left a huge canyon of space inside of me, it has been hard to breath without him. The Lady Bela left that dinner at his feet again. When questioned where his collar was, I could not do anything but say it was still worn, I had no way to remove it. I was given the news that this last few hands while I thought I had my life back, my trusted guard, Aris, had been working on the payroll of Dawson. Returned to my knees, I now serve both my Master and Aris. I work at the winery for the Master Aris because it is something I am good at. Aris has full use of me for all his hard work put in all these years. Aris is enjoying it right now... he certainly is. I ache, am bruised and he is relentless.. so is my Master.

A Visit

I was at the Arena, watching the fights and counting out the coins for my betting that night when the disgruntled sound of Aris was what first brought my gaze up. I had to chuckle as Max sat between Aris and myself setting off Aris' temper. These two men have such a hatred for each other that I try not to enjoy it too much but they are very amusing!

I asked him if his ship went down in the river. It had been a time since our last contact and soon he will visit to see the children. They are very excited to see him and I think it would be good for them all. All of us.. it does me good to see the laughter and fun between he and them.. a part of life that we were denied. It was good to smile and laugh with him. I can see he drinks too much and wonder what profits my first winery might be showing or if he is drinking it all...

I have not seen Dawson since he apologized to me.. something I have not forgotten, he is not a man to do such things. The cases of wine have been sent to the cottage.

We meet again..

How cool and retortive I was. I rather enjoyed his bit of misery he let me see. Tonight I think Dawson was very honest with me while I spilled lie after lie and then more lies to him as if every word was the truth. I have always been told I am prideful. I am. I am also a terrible liar.

I felt like an uptight free woman again.. worried about proper behavior to a man I submitted myself heart and soul to, to a man I lay naked before while he took out every desire on my flesh. Yet now I must stand tall and stiff, as if I never did these things... as if he has no affect on me.

Back in robes this time is worse than it has ever been. Am I finally realizing this? I have let man after man tell me that I am not a free woman but they would allow me to live this facade anyway. Perhaps it is because this time Dawson touched upon the woman I had been so lost without. Losing her again is so painful.

As always.. I will land on my feet, I shall prevail.

And.. again.

I find myself wandering aimlessly once more. Perhaps not by geography but inside. The newer of books closed with a silken ribbon wrapped around it and buried in a trunk in my room. The words written by me will not be looked at for some time. Looking out towards the future is a slight difficult. Aris as always so stoic and silent as I sit many ahns by the window looking out at the river. The days pass slowly as I put away a woman I liked very much. I have not yet learned how to balance she and me.. in a way that makes life bearable either side of the lives I have lived.

To start again. One more time.

Changes

Today I woke a bit later than normal, most likely because of all the tossing and turning I did through the night. When I awoke I laid in my rather large bed with the finest linens and wondered where I might sleep tonight. Once I dragged myself from my luxury, I met with Aris to have a long breakfast going over final details regarding the children and the winery. I had so many plans for the winery but it just all seems so unimportant right now. There is a blood curdling scream beneath the surface of my flesh, a woman intent in finding her way into the sunlight once again.

I will never regret the reasons for my freedom but I am not sure Max realized at that moment that my freedom brought the loss of what he loved most. I know I did not see this at the time.. I saw all of the things I wanted to do for him.. keep him happy and bring him children. Certainly the slavers that bred me never intended on that ability from me but they did breed a woman with a heart. Perhaps a flaw in blood line, perhaps not.

For the last two days I have been going over my decisions and the reasons for them. There is no decision here on the part of Dawson.. I would have submitted to him a hand ago and I can not give a good reason why. It is something that is right.. it is something that I crave. It is something that I have to do.

During the long ahns of the night I closed my eyes and went back in time. A time finally pinpointed in where Dawson knew me from. In Dartmoth he saw a woman at her worst. I did not want to go there but what choices did I have, I had to follow on the heel of my Master, Jaren. We went there by the want of his Companion who absolutely hated me and felt I might ruin their chances of being accepted there. Gratefully the woman did not last long with Jaren. I tried to do my best there but oft found myself in Jaren's room in tears after trying to serve those of the City to make him proud. Yes, Dawson saw me at my worst and at the very beginning of my fall. Soon after we left Dartmoth I had my first taste of being a free woman, Jaren having taken me out of collar to Companion and bear children.

After all these years he remembers a woman that intrigued him. I think he did not like that the woman he looked at now had hidden the Bela he knew. And so began his unraveling of the tightly woven free woman that is holding the woman he wants at bay.

I am so scared.

I need him so much..

And then more reflections...

Tonight I came home and Aris knew something heavy was on my mind. Two days I have to think about my future. I tried to start it tonight but I was denied for two days to think and put things in order. I sat at length with Aris and talked about what would be done. He is not a happy man tonight but he knows I have been struggling for so many years. Within my hand is a cloth bag and within the weight that I will bear soon. I can not seem to let it go.

The House is open and aired out and the children are happily exploring as the staff is getting settled. Aris will continue young Max's warrior studies and as each child comes of age, they will go to Max. Aris has been so wonderful to the four of us. I wish I could have been for him what he needed. I have told him it is time for him to find a Companion, to have his own children and to help me with mine.. he is considering this.

When we left Jula, no forwarding address was left. Akil will be fine I am sure. I am certain in no time he will have a new collection and beyond.

In the last hand I have danced on the edge of danger. Drawn to a man that once looked upon me with a hunger.. and still does. Last week I could have easily submitted and for a moment it was very possible for the words to slip free. While there were moments when almost he took me, he would not have another mans woman which offered me a reprieve. I wonder.. at the last moment, would have I said no?

Perhaps that makes me a slut, was I not born that way? But no, to those curious of mind.. Since I have been given my freedom I have treated this position with respect. I have buried what I am to conform to society and make Max and then Akil happy. I failed to make Marcus happy. I regret that, he cared so much but the spark for me had died so long ago. He was not getting the woman who had burned beneath him so many years before.

I am so old.. and so tonight I face myself.

Maximus.. you are my soul mate. The moment we laid eyes on each other we knew. There is a love there that no one can touch. Who knows what the future holds.. I am sure we will drift in and out of each others lives. That is our fate. To this day, I still love you, that will never end. ::pensive she was for a moment, touching over his name in ink::

Akil.. You came into my life like a charging larl. You would not take a no for an answer and you excited me so. Once I was conquered and submitted at your feet behind our closed doors.. a silence came over the house. How I longed to grow with you but that was not to be. I can't remember the last time you inspired my mind.. The flesh is the easy part.

Reck.. still to this day I wonder what ever happened to you. That last night .. the blood, the fear and the sound of my own screams drowning out my thoughts.. I would have done anything that night to help you. You excited me so. I will never forget you and I hope you are well.

Dawson... You have exposed me and crept under my skin. I can not tell you how afraid I am to trust, I can not tell you how afraid I am to not come to you. I have hated every moment that it was time to leave for home. On many occasion Aris dragged me along by my elbow. You have reminded me that I once was a confident and strong woman. You have reminded me that I miss this woman. You remind me that even with my Mate, I still am pensive, held back because of a fear of living as a slave. You have made me face these fears. You have put me here in this moment, sorting my life out and aching so deeply for you. It is rare the man that can render me to my knees. Knowing very well you could have taken me for yours just because.. still I stood before you and shed my free woman facade. ::his name she tapped her finger on and looked at the cloth pouch resting on the table. It was a slow smile that emerged. if he didn't think she was screaming beneath all of that robery he better listen a little more closely, even from the cabin::

Yes.. tonight I think yet my decision is made.

Reflections..

There will always be men that I will meet that are so strong that they inspire this thing in me. There will always be men in my life that think they do inspire these things and yet they can scratch no farther than the surface of my skin.

I stood on the edge of danger this past hand. For a moment I thought I could step away from my life and take a dive into this world in which I was born. Emotion is a powerful thing and can not always be controlled. There were times in this past hand that the sensible side of me would watch what the impetuous side of me was doing. I was powerless to stop myself in a proactive sense. Beneath it all, well, I hope I would have done the right thing.

I found myself beginning to care for a man that took me down memory lane. I found myself beginning to care for a man that was able to put his fingers on the pulse of the woman of hunger on the inside. The Bela of old is there, she is tempered, subdued just enough. I need to remember that and I need to introduce her to Akil, not keep her hidden until someone reminds me that she is there. There is a fine line of just how much the born slave should show. I was once told that I was too beautiful as a slave to be free of collar. So.. I tend to not show much of that woman. Perhaps it is time to trust Akil, fully.

I almost walked away from this life .. while it would have been easy at first, down the road I would have regretted my choices.

Some things I do know about myself. I have always been a woman of indecision, my actions usually stem from that flaw alone. It is why I require a very strong man who will keep me in line.

Some things I do know about myself..

A New Dilemma

I have been forced to do a lot of soul searching. While Dawson would like to see that fiery woman resurrected, I find that allowing her to live once more would come at a great price. Marcus oft said he wanted to find the woman he knew but for whatever reason there was no inspiration felt by me to let him try. I gave him more excuses than anything else and by then I had met Akil.

Back when, Maximus had decided to put me back to my beginnings, to find that Bela he fell in love with. By then I was carrying our third child and while I was freed to give birth to our precious Maddy, still that collar closing on me again was not the answer when by then my heart was fully in motherhood and raising three children of love. Max had the right idea .. but the Bela of old can not live as a free woman.

I am ever changing. I seem to grow into a new person with every situation I am in. In my heart I know why I do some of these things.. I covet a few things that were Max's. While Akil is given everything I have to give, still I am a new version of the old.

Today I have been tested. I passed in some ways, failed in others. On several occasions I angered Dawson but he needs to see that there are many years between the woman he new then and the woman he is getting to know now. I see that getting in touch with that Bela of old will require the greatest act on my part and I am not so willing to submit. The cost is too great. The loss of my children would be the slowest death imaginable.

I earned the humiliation of a spanking today, Aris still laughs at me and says I deserved it for disrespecting him. Perhaps.

A great many things happened today. I faced loneliness. I am challenged to tame my bitterness and mistrust without being asked. I have faced the sadness that I will not find the Bela of old, the Bela that Max fell in love with, right now. I am not yet ready to give everything up to do so.

There are so many things on my mind tonight..

I wish Akil would take an interest in my life again.

I wish I could talk to Max and tell him these things I have learned.

I wish Dawson didn't know me so well. He is entirely too good at putting his finger on the pulse of the reasons things are as they are.

I wish that I hadn't angered him.

I wish that he hadn't sent me away today ..

Meeting from the past

Last night was a night I had never expected. Last night I got a glimpse of a woman long lost. The fiery Port Karian woman. What was so interesting about her back then. What makes men who knew her intent on finding her again? I would like to say that she was an ordinary slave like the rest. Perhaps, perhaps not. I know I was despised by other slaves. I was despised by free women as well because I was not afraid to be just what I was. As it was put to me, I was comfortable in my own skin and I had a fiery spark that came out around free women. Meeting Dawson again last night has flooded me with memories of ages gone by making me realize just how old I am. When he mentioned Jaren he put me back in the time when I knew him .. at first I did not recognize him but after a time speaking with him.. it is the presence I remember so well. Back then would Dawson have saved me like Jaren did. Jaren had watched me for the longest time go from collar to collar. For a time I was plagued by men that would collar then disappear, then stolen, collared to disappear and so on. After about a dozen times Jaren stepped in and told he me would take me and sell me to a better owner. I was ever grateful by then and not long after that I was Jaren's, there would be no sale. He did have a companion back then, she despised me and so he freed me and shoved manumission papers in my hands as I knelt naked before him at the falls. It was the most bizarre moment of my life I think. With no where to go I found myself at a paga den dancing on a table for a man quite intent on having me for his. Jaren had followed me to storm into that paga den, carrying me away while telling me I would not be lost to him again. What would have happened if Jaren hadn't have died... Fate is a tricky thing.

Introductions between Akin and Dawson did not go well. Within a moments time I was offered an out to go with Dawson which completely shocked and enraged me. The two of them were a hundred times worse than the meeting between Akil and Maximus. I am just shocked by the behavior and the lack of civility with all the name calling. Akil could not understand my anger so we ended up on a somewhat stare off until I excused myself to go about my business. This side of Akil is not endearing at the least.

My night of sleep was fitful at best. Visions of years gone by. Have I gotten that lost in my travels that the woman that drew men to risk much to have me has gone into a deep sleep? Would Akil have liked that woman I once was? Over the time with him I have become his woman, a new version of the old. I feel so dull and lifeless, always trying to balance myself to stay free. Granted I am safe with Akil, I am allowed my status of free woman to work and raise my children and allowed to writhe beneath him as the woman I was born as.

I mentioned my desire to travel to Turmus, he has declined that request. I mentioned it was time to see the physician for renewal of sip root. He declined that for now to think about it more. I will not be put in the position again of taking the blame for a mans hasty actions. No, no. No.

It is off to market today, I have some shopping to do and the walk will do me good. The Cabot children and growing fast, all I seem to do is replace outgrown clothing. Madelaine will accompany me today, she is feeling left out as Maxine is busy with her schooling and Maximus is busy with his young warriors training.

Take a Hint?

I must be the most dense woman on the planet. Yes indeed I think this must be.

I have neglected the Turmus property for far too long. Aris is setting the arrangements for river travel. The children will enjoy the trip. It will be a short trip but I must do something to keep myself busy.

-

Days of Warmth

Many days have passed since I have touched this secret book of my thoughts. For a time I caressed the ribbon that held this sanctuary closed. What would I write? What could I write? Then I realize, I have much to say.

Happiness has been hard won. The light I live in now is certainly warm and enveloping. I can not remember a time where I felt more at home and like I belonged in a place or to a place. I am settling into Jula nicely. The warehouse is filling from the winery in Turmus. A rented ship has been doing well enough and we have not experienced any piracey on the river. I need to sit down and pen a note to Marcus telling him of my news and settling the business of the Ar winery.

With Akil there is an easiness that I have not felt before. I realize that he will handle our life and that I can look at a future that is there, this makes me more inclined to be myself and not a woman I think he wants. I wonder how many times I have changed to suit the man I was with. Have I not in the end taken away the woman they desired... I hope to avoid this mistake with Akil. Walls come down and I am more willing to say what I feel knowing well Akil will not turn from me and look elsewhere, if he doesn't like my views, he changes them atop a solid foundation. A slow trust is building amid my wary eye.

As I drift through the house in search of him, many times he will be found in the garden with my.. our.. family. While the children miss Maximus and look forward to his visits, still, a family has grown. Akil on his own has created a bond with each even if the littlest still clings to my skirts shyly, it seems she adores him by that tell tale smile that is seen when Akil comes home. Thank you Akil for taking it upon yourself to do this. You have far surpassed my expectations.

To many more years...

Days of Warmth

Many days have passed since I have touched this secret book of my thoughts. For a time I caressed the ribbon that held this sanctuary closed. What would I write? What could I write? Then I realize, I have much to say.

Happiness has been hard won. The light I live in now is certainly warm and enveloping. I can not remember a time where I felt more at home and like I belonged in a place or to a place. I am settling into Jula nicely. The warehouse is filling from the winery in Turmus. A rented ship has been doing well enough and we have not experienced any piracey on the river. I need to sit down and pen a note to Marcus telling him of my news and settling the business of the Ar winery.

With Akil there is an easiness that I have not felt before. I realize that he will handle our life and that I can look at a future that is there, this makes me more inclined to be myself and not a woman I think he wants. I wonder how many times I have changed to suit the man I was with. Have I not in the end taken away the woman they desired... I hope to avoid this mistake with Akil. Walls come down and I am more willing to say what I feel knowing well Akil will not turn from me and look elsewhere, if he doesn't like my views, he changes them atop a solid foundation. A slow trust is building amid my wary eye.

As I drift through the house in search of him, many times he will be found in the garden with my.. our.. family. While the children miss Maximus and look forward to his visits, still, a family has grown. Akil on his own has created a bond with each even if the littlest still clings to my skirts shyly, it seems she adores him by that tell tale smile that is seen when Akil comes home. Thank you Akil for taking it upon yourself to do this. You have far surpassed my expectations.

To many more years...

The Visit

Max came to Jula to visit his children. Max shorted his children his time while he rushed off to find himself something to replace me. Max shorted Maximillian by denying him a visit with his brother and sisters, something all four children need.

What a disappointment Max is.

How predictable Max is.

I write this in an anger and hurt so deep that I do not know where to begin. The ink spills to parchment as if blood from a cut open vein. For years that door has been open waiting for him to make some sort of move or commitment. How long I hoped he would gather me up one more time that I had not realized how much I let it put a stand still on my life. Marcus never stood a chance because I know in my heart I was waiting for Max to come save me and carry me away. Always I dreamed of that happily ever after with him. I loved him, I will love him always in a certain way but sometimes things change when a different color of light is shed on things.

Akil was friendly enough when we met. Any contact that began by chance meeting furthered by a business contract of wine delivered. When I came to Jula, I had no intention of letting events go further than business but this man did as he pleased, took me in a way that I could not deny him even if it was not really my choice. When I left Jula the first time, I didn't intend to go back but I did. I missed the man, I missed the way he looked at me. Maybe it was then that I realized that I would feel as Niko felt with Max. I was never jealous of her, but I was jealous of the excitement Max displayed over her. I was hurt that as much as he said he loved me, wanted only me.. that I excited him in bed more than any woman ever had that still he didn't seem to find that same excitement in me.. or perhaps it was that I craved the Max from when we first me, that is the man I was waiting for. Still, he treated me as second rate and as the one that would always be there to pick up the pieces or better yet, to fill that void until his next conquest came? Is he really that shallow? I knew he was never true to me, he is a man lacking in control and commitment. Last night I told him that he will always end up as he is. He will always be alone.

Akil didn't allow the shadow of Max to stand in his way and really, Akil did not choose to see that shadow, to him it did not exist. The only thing that existed to him was me, a woman he wanted to and now does possess so fully. How exciting it is to be looked at like that, to be approached with the expectation that I will be his because he says it is so. The night that door almost came in to my room was a night that Akil did not let a door or all the walls I have up stand in his way. He didn't turn and run, he didn't seek solace with someone else to lick his wounds. He is a man.

As Max left in his obvious displeasure at the announcement of our Mating he said he would go out and find a new gem. Well, that would be fine but he won't treat her any better than he did me as he let his true gem get away by sheer laziness on his part. Did he really have no idea that I would wait for him forever if only he stepped up and made something happen? Max, you are a very stupid man and how disappointing you are.

It was time I woke up and looked to the future. It was time I stopped sleeping my life away hoping Max would come claim what had been his for so long.

Akil teaches me that there is so much more to life. I have a partner, someone who attends my booming business with me, a partner who takes his time every day to bond with three beautiful children. A man that will see to that all of us are happy and protected. He teaches me that I can safely be the Bela I am, I am with a man that sees the balance I have in my life as a needed thing.

Was I waiting for Max or was I really waiting for Akil?

How grand it is to love again without doubt or reservation. When I look at Akil I find the old feelings are gone, it is fresh and brand new. I know Akil will not be like Max. How many times did I look at Max saying, "Yes I love him but I don't trust him in the least." Akil finds he has my old habits to deal with at times but kings.. that man is divine.

::Bela looked long at what she had written, dagger drawn, sentences spilled out, pent up filth now cleansed. Dagger sheathed, stylus laid to rest. As she closed the book to the private world of her thoughts, she smiled. This chapter closed, a new one having begun. It was then that the smile emerged, one brand new.. pure and true.::

Possession

While at the desk, working on a letter that I need to get sent off, Akil was heard calling down the hallway for me as he approached our room. Tonight I stepped past the night of my claiming to a step beyond, a future marked by the man himself. In two hands time the old brands will be removed.

An urgency resides in me and while I remember this back in the day when I lived exactly as my breeding dictated.. slowly over the years those needs have thinned, have diluted by the confusion of a woman caught between free and slave. I like being a free woman. I enjoy my life as it but there are times when Akil reminds me that I am his woman, his concubine and more than anything, a female... free or not, I know it would be easy to beg things in that state of mind that I might regret. I live the life of a free woman yet I am a submitted woman, to one.

I will be ready ...

What started as my defiance to keep him out of my world ended in me being quite frightened in what would happen if he had to force entry into my room. How smart I was thinking to throw the bolt on that door as if that would keep him out of my heart, my head and my life. Comparing myself found me on the edge of a confusion, unsure just where I stood with Akil and so I ran, seeking out a safe haven, to not end up back in time, to not end up back in that place I hated. Uncertainty drives me to such drastic behavior at times.

While I listened to him pushing his way through that door, finally I shouted at him to go away but in my heart I knew I did not want him to go. I am his submitted woman, what else can I be and to think of a day without him brought a recoil of doubt and finally the latch slid out of place to allow him entry. I did however run for cover because I knew he was angry at me. My only weapon a thrown slipper, putting my foot down on my independence of it all, taking my rights! It was a soft gesture but one that demanded my space. A gesture he would not comply to, a gesture that brought me within his grip and he taking his rights as a man.

In the tradition of our birth place, Port Kar, I am now his claimed woman, his mate. While I told him I was not ready for such a thing, I was informed that I was ready and that I would be ready to accept how it is between us, who I belong to as free woman and beyond in our private world.

Yes, I am claimed in many ways and while I think I am not ready for such a step, there is no where else I would rather be than where I am. His.

This morning came a smirk from Aris. I could barely walk and no doubt the entire house heard what went on in my room last night. From the battered door unlatched just before it was forced open, to his raised voice and my protests, to the awed silence as I was claimed and finally to the acceptance of it all, the night of passion laced with his punishing takings of me throughout the night forcing home just who I belong to. The smile that does not seem to leave me and the quiet manner I project today as I let it all sink in, still I am stunned. Yet Aris watched me intently, I could not tell how he really feels about all of this and with our history.... who knows. He went to the Inn this morning, no doubt to take out his feelings on the slave he likes there.

How nice it all is

How nice it is to feel part of a home and a future. I am part of a partnership .. of sorts. Akil takes an active role in the property search for the new winery and warehousing in Jula. While sometimes I feel standoffish, living my own life, and too .. this is the first man to take an active role in my life, including the children. Each day that goes by brings a new level of closeness with this man I am coming to care for very much. He pays attention to every facet of my life and keeps the control of those decisions I might make, making many of them for us.

Beneath the surface of the professional woman burns the light of a long lost woman, one who is coming to life again and one not so afraid to reach out and offer to him wholly. While he is a man who will take and conquer, I seem to feel equally safe and delighted that he will not allow the walls I have erected to stay.. erected. There are moments when I feel raw and exploited, the look in his eyes when he reveals more of this woman he had no idea existed. I think on some occasions his discoveries leave us both a bit surprised. Bela of old I thought dead to me; Bela of old is not dead to Akil. He seems to like what he see's, he wants it, he takes it and devours it, I simply revel in it and crave yet more and give.. much more.

We came full circle recently... in a bathing room oddly enough. What started there in my ire of his treatment of me to end the circle of my willingness at his slightest glance at me.. the roots have set, from here we grow. More of the happier woman creeps out each day to feel the light of day, to dust herself off.. to live. Now.. I can not imagine my days without him.