Changes

Today I woke a bit later than normal, most likely because of all the tossing and turning I did through the night. When I awoke I laid in my rather large bed with the finest linens and wondered where I might sleep tonight. Once I dragged myself from my luxury, I met with Aris to have a long breakfast going over final details regarding the children and the winery. I had so many plans for the winery but it just all seems so unimportant right now. There is a blood curdling scream beneath the surface of my flesh, a woman intent in finding her way into the sunlight once again.

I will never regret the reasons for my freedom but I am not sure Max realized at that moment that my freedom brought the loss of what he loved most. I know I did not see this at the time.. I saw all of the things I wanted to do for him.. keep him happy and bring him children. Certainly the slavers that bred me never intended on that ability from me but they did breed a woman with a heart. Perhaps a flaw in blood line, perhaps not.

For the last two days I have been going over my decisions and the reasons for them. There is no decision here on the part of Dawson.. I would have submitted to him a hand ago and I can not give a good reason why. It is something that is right.. it is something that I crave. It is something that I have to do.

During the long ahns of the night I closed my eyes and went back in time. A time finally pinpointed in where Dawson knew me from. In Dartmoth he saw a woman at her worst. I did not want to go there but what choices did I have, I had to follow on the heel of my Master, Jaren. We went there by the want of his Companion who absolutely hated me and felt I might ruin their chances of being accepted there. Gratefully the woman did not last long with Jaren. I tried to do my best there but oft found myself in Jaren's room in tears after trying to serve those of the City to make him proud. Yes, Dawson saw me at my worst and at the very beginning of my fall. Soon after we left Dartmoth I had my first taste of being a free woman, Jaren having taken me out of collar to Companion and bear children.

After all these years he remembers a woman that intrigued him. I think he did not like that the woman he looked at now had hidden the Bela he knew. And so began his unraveling of the tightly woven free woman that is holding the woman he wants at bay.

I am so scared.

I need him so much..