A New Dilemma

I have been forced to do a lot of soul searching. While Dawson would like to see that fiery woman resurrected, I find that allowing her to live once more would come at a great price. Marcus oft said he wanted to find the woman he knew but for whatever reason there was no inspiration felt by me to let him try. I gave him more excuses than anything else and by then I had met Akil.

Back when, Maximus had decided to put me back to my beginnings, to find that Bela he fell in love with. By then I was carrying our third child and while I was freed to give birth to our precious Maddy, still that collar closing on me again was not the answer when by then my heart was fully in motherhood and raising three children of love. Max had the right idea .. but the Bela of old can not live as a free woman.

I am ever changing. I seem to grow into a new person with every situation I am in. In my heart I know why I do some of these things.. I covet a few things that were Max's. While Akil is given everything I have to give, still I am a new version of the old.

Today I have been tested. I passed in some ways, failed in others. On several occasions I angered Dawson but he needs to see that there are many years between the woman he new then and the woman he is getting to know now. I see that getting in touch with that Bela of old will require the greatest act on my part and I am not so willing to submit. The cost is too great. The loss of my children would be the slowest death imaginable.

I earned the humiliation of a spanking today, Aris still laughs at me and says I deserved it for disrespecting him. Perhaps.

A great many things happened today. I faced loneliness. I am challenged to tame my bitterness and mistrust without being asked. I have faced the sadness that I will not find the Bela of old, the Bela that Max fell in love with, right now. I am not yet ready to give everything up to do so.

There are so many things on my mind tonight..

I wish Akil would take an interest in my life again.

I wish I could talk to Max and tell him these things I have learned.

I wish Dawson didn't know me so well. He is entirely too good at putting his finger on the pulse of the reasons things are as they are.

I wish that I hadn't angered him.

I wish that he hadn't sent me away today ..