And then more reflections...

Tonight I came home and Aris knew something heavy was on my mind. Two days I have to think about my future. I tried to start it tonight but I was denied for two days to think and put things in order. I sat at length with Aris and talked about what would be done. He is not a happy man tonight but he knows I have been struggling for so many years. Within my hand is a cloth bag and within the weight that I will bear soon. I can not seem to let it go.

The House is open and aired out and the children are happily exploring as the staff is getting settled. Aris will continue young Max's warrior studies and as each child comes of age, they will go to Max. Aris has been so wonderful to the four of us. I wish I could have been for him what he needed. I have told him it is time for him to find a Companion, to have his own children and to help me with mine.. he is considering this.

When we left Jula, no forwarding address was left. Akil will be fine I am sure. I am certain in no time he will have a new collection and beyond.

In the last hand I have danced on the edge of danger. Drawn to a man that once looked upon me with a hunger.. and still does. Last week I could have easily submitted and for a moment it was very possible for the words to slip free. While there were moments when almost he took me, he would not have another mans woman which offered me a reprieve. I wonder.. at the last moment, would have I said no?

Perhaps that makes me a slut, was I not born that way? But no, to those curious of mind.. Since I have been given my freedom I have treated this position with respect. I have buried what I am to conform to society and make Max and then Akil happy. I failed to make Marcus happy. I regret that, he cared so much but the spark for me had died so long ago. He was not getting the woman who had burned beneath him so many years before.

I am so old.. and so tonight I face myself.

Maximus.. you are my soul mate. The moment we laid eyes on each other we knew. There is a love there that no one can touch. Who knows what the future holds.. I am sure we will drift in and out of each others lives. That is our fate. To this day, I still love you, that will never end. ::pensive she was for a moment, touching over his name in ink::

Akil.. You came into my life like a charging larl. You would not take a no for an answer and you excited me so. Once I was conquered and submitted at your feet behind our closed doors.. a silence came over the house. How I longed to grow with you but that was not to be. I can't remember the last time you inspired my mind.. The flesh is the easy part.

Reck.. still to this day I wonder what ever happened to you. That last night .. the blood, the fear and the sound of my own screams drowning out my thoughts.. I would have done anything that night to help you. You excited me so. I will never forget you and I hope you are well.

Dawson... You have exposed me and crept under my skin. I can not tell you how afraid I am to trust, I can not tell you how afraid I am to not come to you. I have hated every moment that it was time to leave for home. On many occasion Aris dragged me along by my elbow. You have reminded me that I once was a confident and strong woman. You have reminded me that I miss this woman. You remind me that even with my Mate, I still am pensive, held back because of a fear of living as a slave. You have made me face these fears. You have put me here in this moment, sorting my life out and aching so deeply for you. It is rare the man that can render me to my knees. Knowing very well you could have taken me for yours just because.. still I stood before you and shed my free woman facade. ::his name she tapped her finger on and looked at the cloth pouch resting on the table. It was a slow smile that emerged. if he didn't think she was screaming beneath all of that robery he better listen a little more closely, even from the cabin::

Yes.. tonight I think yet my decision is made.