Rewind

How many times have I found myself here.. once more, starting again, trying to figure out who I am ... yet, again. My most recent secret.. a hand ago I considered throwing myself at any slavers feet to stop this vicious cycle. My greatest fear is my children being told I am weak, a slut, or worse. I do not want them taught that I was a nothing. I brought them into this world with the greatest of love, I love their father with all my heart.. they were not an act of lust but a entwining of hearts to make these wonderful young people. For all my mistakes in my life, the one thing I did well was be their mother.

I realize I have put myself in this prison, running from my past and being ashamed of it. I have been dragged back over and over by the same men and been allowed to live a fake life of a free woman. In some respect I was very happy in that role. I had work that I loved and plenty to keep me busy but it is time for me to face my birth. I was born a slave. Bred to a perfection, what perfection I will never know. I came from a breeding house of high quality slaves in Port Kar.. a place where the most proud and vivacious of slaves are born. When did I forget that and is that when my slow decline began?

Dawson invited the free woman Bela to dinner. I asked him if he had missed me and his answer was yes, he had missed me very much.. I know I had missed him greatly, his absense has left a huge canyon of space inside of me, it has been hard to breath without him. The Lady Bela left that dinner at his feet again. When questioned where his collar was, I could not do anything but say it was still worn, I had no way to remove it. I was given the news that this last few hands while I thought I had my life back, my trusted guard, Aris, had been working on the payroll of Dawson. Returned to my knees, I now serve both my Master and Aris. I work at the winery for the Master Aris because it is something I am good at. Aris has full use of me for all his hard work put in all these years. Aris is enjoying it right now... he certainly is. I ache, am bruised and he is relentless.. so is my Master.