Risk and Regret

I am a free woman now. Aris now owns a portion of my winery and he is kept at a distance from me. Now that he has such a percentage, he can well do the work.


In an effort to show that I was independent I insulted Dawson to the point that he released me. What an error in judgement this was on my part, a regrettable moment that I was trying to be pleasing. The times I have approached him in public, he has acted cool or sent me away so in my thinking I thought to not approach him because I really thought that was what he wanted. The timing of all of this leads me to believe this is more than it is.

He said it himself, from his own lips.. "She is bred and has been given too many freedoms." He did the same thing, he joined the ranks of men he has scoffed at since I have known him. How disappointing he is. I am his prize, his beast, his devoted slave, that can not change just because he says so. I know in my heart I am all of these things. I remember his words from him telling me he would always love me. Dawson does not lie. If I am all of these things to him, why does he not put me beneath his collar and whip and teach me what he has scoffed at all this time? Put up or shut up comes to mind.


I submitted myself to him upon a public path. Without care or thought of anything but him and my place at his feet I stripped and begged him to teach me the error of my ways. He stepped over this woman he loves, the woman he called his prize without care or taking responsibility for what he has created in this woman. One more owner among the many of this planet that doesn't take care of what is his.


Yes, I am angry. I am there for the long haul.. I submit myself to anything he can do to me. I am the stronger.


Yes, I am enraged.


I sat down with Trusk and I told him exactly what I had done today. I told him everything. I told him that I stripped and submitted to be walked away from. I will not lie to the man and let him find out by gossip. I will not lead anyone to believe anything but exactly what I am. One more discarded slave .. a sickness in this society that really isn't this way. Yet, I am a free woman. It was a risk, yet another of a black day in my life. He could have collared me. He had every right to put me in a collar. He did not. He thanked me for the truth and realizes that he might some day find me at the feet of Dawson in a collar. Perhaps he is more optomistic than I but he was kind. He listened and lent me a shoulder to cry on and put me in motion to a future. I am buying a ship for him to Captain to move the wines around and other cargo. While it all sounds grand and will be once I accept what I am given for this so called life .. inside is a dark place. I am sick into my soul.


To mark the worst day in my life I took the dagger that I had purchased for Dawson. It was a gift marking the two years since we were drawn together after all those years past when he first saw me with Jaren and knew I would be his one day. The knife cut deep into the mark Akil put there.. it bled profusely and for a time I let it bleed, to feel the pain of this day, to never forget the worst mistake of mine to date. Over this "A" is cut deep with a "D". Yes, that will probably anger him too but I am a free woman now............aren't I.