The pen goes empty

the pen goes empty .. dry of ink
much like the heart with no well to fill..
no matter how she tries..
the stops and start overs..
it always seems to come down to one..
that brings her mind back to him.

at first sight she was His..
this does not seem to change .. ever..

she will never see him again..
too many things in their way..
the trust long broken and she afraid to believe..
told she was an empty shell.. what else could she be..
there is no room inside for anyone else..

she was certain that her lack of inspiration
was the lack of men willing to Master a slave..
in reality her lack if inspiration is the lack of feeling in her heart..
long ago left somewhere else..

the pen placed down, the book closed..
not to be open again..

Max

I care for the Scribe

Today I bear the marks of my Master, upon me are three bite marks.. to my neck, my hip and to my inner wrist, the bruising there fanning out over translucent skin where the veins can be seen. While that sort of pain is not pleasant, it was like the whipping.. I offered myself for more because I was helpless to do otherwise. His control over me excites me to the deepest of places.

I must admit to feeling a bit defeated today. Carefully guarded feelings are no longer mine, my fears having to be said while he tormented me with denial of movement, everything I was experiencing at that moment with the instruction that it would be said and it didn't start out so badly until he asked a direct question for me to answer. After having to tell him that I felt things deeper than before or that I could not remember feeling things as acutely, he then asked me what that said about time with Max and now time with him. I was caught within my own trap, no movement of aroused body to rely on, my having only the avenue of speech. I tried to evade his interrogation by vagueness and I told him I felt lost before and now I did not feel so lost. He left me sitting there, his touch removed and telling he that I was still lost.

At first I was content to sit there by myself for I felt I had come a great way in conveying to him what I was thinking and feeling but knowing he was on the other side of that bathing room door and knowing that I had committed the crime again of half truths.. it was not long before I was crawling to the side of the tub and confessed what had been so hard to say to him. I told him that I had grown to care for him very much and was afraid if I told him this that he would go away, that I didn't want to wander again wishing I could not feel. This ... this.. was the hardest thing ever to say. He told me that he will not go, that I am his property and he has shown that he does not take these things lightly. I earned his touch again, he pushing me to yield to him quite beautifully and his pleasure found in his slave who cares for him very much..

So begins a new day.. I am defeated by my own entrapment. I confess to caring for the Scribe.. I confess my fears by his having this knowledge. His possession of me deepens.. each day I lose more of my defenses, I am sure he thinks this is a good thing... I.. while it is hard to face a man such as he, to strip away everything to give to him .. it is his now to take. With all the clothing I wear, I feel so naked. Naked.. something he likes to see on me....

Today I bear the marks of my Master.. some quite beyond the surface..

The Gift

There was a surprise left upon the mat for me today. Admittedly it was not expected it and it brought the biggest smile. For the longest time I sat there with the silver wrapped package in my lap, my hands running over the paper trying to guess what it might be. I just had no idea what to expect and when the moment hit that I could not wait one more moment, fingers pulled the blue ribbon free - I just could not stand the excitement any further. Within was the most beautiful writing set ever and a note from my Master. The note will be tucked in this book along with the folded paper and ribbon. Already I write this with the beautiful quill.

To me, this is the most beautiful and thoughtful of gifts. This book always available for him to read as I must hide nothing from my Master.. he has said this so I shall obey. At times I try to hide within myself but it seems he will not allow that either. I must be careful with my feelings for him, perhaps I have no control of such things but I feel him drawing me out, requiring to know more about me, to see all of the things I don't let anyone see. The day I was so angry at him I was remiss in the mention of one of the things I spoke to him about. Something I wanted to deny because he did tell me what he desire in my thinking on this and it has been very hard to shift my thinking.

Guilt. I feel guilty for being where I am, I feel guilty happy in the collar that claims me to someone else. That does not mean that I do not love Max any less but it does mean that I am finding happiness. I think of him probably every day, the hurt and anger now begins to fade.. in honesty I think that the fading of these emotions allows me to turn more to my Owner, to serve him better and to feel for the place that I kneel at his feet. I know where Max will end up .. he is a very predictable man, habitually predictable, but I am beginning to come to terms with that. My Master is teaching me many things about the man Maximus Cabot. By example he does this, he does not have to say a word. My Master is teaching me many things about the woman called bela. Speaking slave is turning out to be a very hard thing to do but the one thing very clear of this exercise is that it keeps my mind on him and the lessons that he places me under.

Yes. I am very happy at my Masters feet.

He said last that I was not to feel guilty for being happy, that I was to serve him because he now owned me and I am in service to him. Each day that passes this is so much easier for me to obey.

Last night I served in the house of Caed and was taken with him to another house to serve, it is owned by a man called Rejar. It was an interesting evening as I saw the woman Mahalah.. hopefully she will not remember that I was the bela of Jaren, or that if she already remembers this that she just could not care less. One thing a bit distressing... the Master Jaeden asked the Master Caed if he could keep me. Thankfully Master Caed said no... kings, I would just be a miserable woman if taken from my Master.

I have known this but it was last night when Master Jaeden said this that I was struck with fear of being taken away from the Scribe. That would be the worst thing that could happen to me..

Gift from her Master

The shell must have an exit

While absorbing my Masters wishes of me I would have to admit to wrestling with a few emotions on the subject. Yes, in a way I want him to want me all to himself, to selfishly keep me from another mans touch, to be that prize in which only he delights in. I do know the role of a slave in society, very well I know this. Seeing Caed once more did remind me what kind of slave I used to be. I tried to read that note that Master wrote to Caed but could not see what was written. My Master did see a bit of that flirty side and it seemed to put a smile on his face yet I do not understand it. I am so conflicted but I imagine that would have a lot to do with so many years as a free woman and Max keeping me to himself. He did say I would serve other men at the end but that was because he was off doing whatever it was he does. Now, I have a Master who is part of my life, teaching me what it is I will be to him. It is daunting but so very exciting. I wake in the night dreaming of him and turn to listen to him breathing while I imagine myself beneath him, feeling his touch .. his weight. I realize with him that there is much of me that has gone dormant.

I try to see myself through my Masters eyes. I try to see myself as he spoke of his desires for me. Over the years I have become very shy and more than likely to watch other slaves service the men, myself very content to do so. I was watching some slave girls in my wanderings and took the time to study the habits of slaves that may not have been held to one man or a free woman. By watching them I learned that I have become very reserved in personality and that I have become more of a companion sort of slave. There are many men in which I have held conversation with in recent times but I have been happy just to talk to them, to tease them and enjoy them from a distance while keeping them company by conversation. I did not seek more. One man had made comment to that by mentioning he was surprised that I was not trying to seduce him but I did not know how to answer him. I was content as I was. One man did take me away for use before my Master purchased me and though I enjoyed the conversation I was of the mind to rush off home when it came to the use of my body. I didn’t, I serviced the man and well but my heart was not into it.

More recently, perhaps I am coming out of my shell a bit. I squirmed well against Caed last night when he kissed me goodbye, but I think it is easy to respond to the familiarity, he was a man I always enjoyed serving. Too, his son I followed around the arena for a bit and was comfortable with him, in actuality I am very comfortable around men, I just do not seek more. There was a man who I served in the main room of the house, I do not know who he was but I displayed myself well for him, hoping he and my Master would be pleased. The woman Sekret was thinking about luring me with the idea of trinkets for stories of old on the heathen Master, Caed. This could be a very lucrative deal for me.

Once back to my Masters room I crawled to his sleeping form and curled at his feet. I am missing him while he works long into the nights, he is a very busy man. As I laid at the feet of my Master, that kiss still felt to my lips, it was a slave I felt like and there is such a contentment settling inside. It is good to be owned by this man, it is good to be back in Port Kar. I do miss and think of my children often, finding I ache for them constantly but I know Aris will see to their well being, he is a good man.

Rebirth of a slave

It was the hardest thing to decide in the first place. I had to give up my hard won status of a free woman, my businesses of wineries.. I was very good at my chosen profession. The hardest thing of all was my children. They would not longer be mine. I think of them and Aris often, wonder where they have gone. When I submitted to Marcus.. he was a man who made me feel like a slave but he did not have the ability to get into the places the scribe seems to find and take possession without a thought. With Max I knew that it would be the easy life of a pampered slave so the decision of being a slave really wasn't all daunting..

Now with the scribe.. there is such a mix of excitement and fright. He wants to see the slave he has not seen and said he will bring her out in me and that I will learn not to think free and as his equal. He said he wanted to see what he had not seen before, use it for his pleasure and exploit it. How can I argue with that. I want to please him, before I wanted them to please me.

I balked when he said today that he would make my use available to a few ... this makes me nervous.. for the longest time I have been a one man woman. Granted I was free and it wasn't proper, plus I was completely devoted to my Companion. Once Max's slave again, being put out for use of other men usually meant a punishment and so when he said this I was sure I had been found displeasing in some way and I closed up feeling very distressed.

My anger was challenged today.. I felt insulted that perhaps he felt I could not be trusted and that he felt that I was shopping for a Master. For the first time that I remember in a very many years, I have a home.. I think He is the best thing to happen to me in the longest of time. Why would I want to lose that.... He made me speak my anger, that I would have no secrets from him.. I insulted him as well and when he spoke his view on things... well.. I do understand.

My Master, he can be so kind... these have been the hardest three days that I can remember and wept this to him as he comforted me for just a moment while not stepping back in just who was in control. How is it I suffer so by his training, his decisions yet it draws me more to him... begging and seeking, utterly miserable in my slavery yet so glad I am here.

I have become a woman of hiding, one who sits back and watches the world, lives just on the surface. Secretly, I miss that bela of old.

He makes me hunger.

Confessions

I sit and stare at this page....

I do not know where to begin.. I am not sure what it is but yesterday something overwhelming happened to me. He studies me, he asks me questions and he holds a conversation with me seeking the information about me that he desires. He listens to what I say, he watches how I respond to him yet, I am not sure he thinks I want to be with him... he is certain that I will someday beg to be sold to a warrior.....

He took me to a place I am not sure I have experienced and when I think back to Marcus... bound to the pole, his whip of my breasts and his rape... he did not even scratch the surface of the slave that I will be with the man, the Scribe.

I feel like I have been cut open and he is reaching in and dragging out a woman who is screaming and trying to go back into her shell.. the first light in her eyes so painful, consuming to the bone and so breathtaking that I am left so confused. I feel so alive, so raw.. so needful yet maybe some parts of me tries to continue to hide.

As he spoke to me, he allowed me against him and I enticed his desires by doing what came natural.. pressing me away from him he stood and led me into his room and once there I was a woman out of control, at his feet, servicing with a hunger from the connection made on the beach yet instead of taking his fill of me he pushed me away and ordered me to the ring in the corner and by wrist I was shackled.. it is quite something to be so vulnerable and helpless to a man and I will confess that I was hot and quite willingly displaying like a whore to earn my slave rape but he instead took a kurt to my flesh.

He seemed to take great delight in this but not in a sadistic way.. Master of slave and her body, he put me though my paces and found I writhed well under he and his whip. He asked if Max had been equally pleased by my writhing, saying I yielded well. I told him Max had never whipped me amid the turmoil yet so responsive body. I think this amused him and he said it was another of Max's mistakes as in such a state, I was beautiful. I will not say I understand what makes a man tick.. I do not understand why he thought me so beautiful at that moment but I do know I felt it and begged blantantly for sexual use. He took me as he was inspired to take me as he pleased, he was harsh and business like, using me simply, nothing more with the command that I was not to release.

Afterward, he put upon me his desires, for three days I can not touch him, I shall eat from his hand.. I shall sleep shackled to the ring. I accepted this, what choice did I have and besides.. I have spent many hands away from Max at the time so three days is a pittance. Yet, why did I seem happy by all of this .. being deprived and such.

He is a man to ponder.

Silence in a Schendi Garden

The ship arrived to Schendi without incident. Master kept me belted unless with him privately in his quarters and there seems plenty of work for me to do while we travel. He has business there that he takes care of himself.

After dinner I accompanied him to a garden and while my attention seemed to be on some bushes that caught my attention as well as the rest there, he garnered that attention to him with a grasp of my hair and a turn into his thigh. Yet it was once that we were alone that he surprised me yet again. Turning me to the bench he positioned me with the instruction that I was to be silent.. that if I made a sound he would take that as my displeasing him. It was the greatest of challenges to be silent while he touched me intimately and pushed my body to speak for itself.. not to be dependent on the pleasure sounds of a slave in heat.

At first I felt it was a sexual control and his desires of me to be silent but I learned quickly it went well beyond that, I was to use my body to speak the things I might say and while I looked at this as an exercise in silence, it was my body speaking so loudly and beyond the arousal he pressed upon me. I wanted to please him beyond the physical gratification so did so with that body of a slave girl. I was not prepared for how vulnerable I suddenly was, not in a physical way but his voice whispered to my ear, his touch just right making me squirm and writhe for more of his touch.. my Master exposed a place in me that was not his to have. Yes, I am a slave with an agenda. I want to serve and like the man.. I don't wish to feel again because of the hurt that sort of activity brings. I did not plan to give him a tear in my protective layers but that flaw must have been there to be found.

He is undermining my steadfast plan to not care again. He seems to know what to do to make me slip up and show myself and the most recent crime of his was that he brought me with him to Schendi.. he didn't leave me behind. On most occasions I am left behind.. he diffused my argument that he might just disappear by not even discussing it with me... just waking me when it was time to board the ship.

When he took his slave there in the darkness, that beautiful garden of the sweetest scented flowers.. the humidity thick in the air making my skin damp and hot to the touch, without a sound I yielded to him unlike I have to him yet, it was more than a hot slave finding release, it was a body speaking for the slave things she does not wish to say. He said next he would have me speak by word and I simply dread that day.

Where did my Master come from.. was it my fate that he would simply show up in my life?

The Scribe.. .. my Master.

Canvas for an Artist

My Master excites me. He caught me primping today and teased me saying he didn't know I needed to be primped in order to be beautiful, the Scribe has a wonderful sense of humor. He said I was non-refundable so would have to deal with the playful reasons why I needed to primp! As he sat at his furs I crawled to him and crawled like a sensual beast on the prowl -- his gaze upon me told me just how he enjoyed watching me come to him in such a way and as I tipped up to kneel then, splayed and luscious he in turn placed me back to my hands and knees and as the finishing touch the camisk I wear was whisked off of me to billow around my knees to rest. He is a subtle man and touched me in the slightest yet pulled so much from me without much effort, it did not take long before I was indeed feeling his presence before he was up and walking away to his desk, returning with ink and quill.

Once he settled beside me, he began to draw and make art out of his slave called, bela. What I found was an intimacy that I had not experienced from such an activity. He took his time making his drawings just as he wanted them, waiting for the ink to dry and while he worked on this art he found his slave relaxing under his touch, approaching an arousal that is simply not comparable to sexual arousal of just sex. I think that unassuming Scribe ventured further into a woman that I did not think could be penetrated past a certain point. Once he was finished and satisfied he then got some water and a cloth and washed the ink from my body... this was done with a minor change in my position as it was obvious I was a very soft and needful slave.. my cheek pressed to the fur as he continued to touch me, washing my skin clean of the ink. Once finished he pushed me down to the fur and rolled me over to my back. As I lay there looking up at him I realized that primping was not really a needed activity for at that moment I had never felt so beautiful as I did right there, flushed, warm, writhing beneath his gaze as he stood there watching what he had done to the woman he owns.

He said perhaps when the warmer weather came that he would paint a mural of a slave that looked like me, posing as I was for him, this time on my back it would be in color with a warrior or tarnsman watching this slave. He said something exciting... as I lay there I could do nothing but look up to a man that excited me more at that moment than I had been in a long time. He is different then most of the men I have known. He is taking his time and unwrapping me from outside to in.. digging for that hidden woman that he will possess. I told him how he excited me and he chuckled swearing me to secrecy.

Why our paths met, I will never know....

A Scribe full of surprises

The scribe returned early from his trip and I found that I was more excited to see his return than I had imagined I could feel. He saw that I had managed well in his absense and was pleased with my work for him. There is however an undercurrent there and I attempt to look at him as I have other men, just a man that wants a soft and supple slave nearby for nothing more than pleasure.

The Scribe has turned the tables on me.

A man that I thought I would be timid and closed off to a slave like me, a man that I was certain that I would be the teacher... he.. is full of surprises. I had not known how to behave with him, usually I am bold and brassy with no qualms to seduce a man yet I have been so careful with him because he was so different. I didn't want to scare him away.. I am sure that was what was on my mind because I found that I wanted to be with him and this too was something I was not prepared for. And what did he do? He pricked my skin and got underneath and when he decided that he would have me as a slave beneath him.. sly man, he handled me perfectly, exacting what he wanted from me while leaving me in shock and breathless and ... hooked. He informed me that he would buy me from Aris and if not, he would steal me. I was excited yet sad at the prospect. He had read my journal and felt he had figured out much about me, the slave called Bela. He asked me about my children, my life.. This is a man that is drawing me into his life as part of his life.. this is so different from what I know. Max always felt like a visitor in my life and it is amazing that it has taking many years to finally see that.

The Scribe took control of me last night.. me, silly woman that thought I would teach him, he turned and had my body leaping in lovely submission beneath the skill of his touch and command of me in its entirety... release was swift and from nowhere.. my body writhing well beneath his. But it goes way beyond sex.. I have let him past the walls I keep up or perhaps he will not let them stand in his way..

Today he met with Aris.. today he purchased me without my being there and told me later as he used the key to unlock my collar, his collar replacing the one I wore. He said the old collar would be gotten rid of, he would not have it around as a reminder. This is permanent and I will step into a future with him. His quiet characteristics are not to be believed as he well had a handle on the woman that is now his slave and he will have me serve him in perfection. He told me I might see Aris again some day but too he told me that I would not see my children again as he is breaking all ties to Maximus. It is in the best interest of his slave...

A Scribe. My Master.

The Scribe Returns ~ do I live again?

The scribe shortened his trip and came back early. While Aris let me stay to work for him I found I was eager for the scribes return and have adjusted well to Port Kar. That shyness seems to be fading away in some ways yet intensifying in others and I don't quite understand why I am being so careful. In my subtle teasing of the man yesterday I found something happening inside and yet I am so different with him than a man I simply serve.. there is nothing simple about serving him.

He touched a place I deemed untouchable. I could not escape the gaze that rested on me and his touch to my hair brought a seeking woman, one who has kept her distance. My kiss to his palm was meant in more than begging for a pet, something exchanged between us and I wanted to roll to my back and writhe to him begging. Soon after we left and I quite shaken though I hid this in all the walls I keep up. Could it be I am ready to step free …

Once to the apartment I was summoned to him by crook of finger and he quite surprised me as he gathered my wrists and pulled me to him, there was nothing more sensual than feeling his lips to mine so brief then to my neck and over my shoulder. So drawn to him, my body reached, moving into him in a needfulness, his whisper to my ear that this would stop and he would talk to Aris. I hope he does.

I am not sure from where the Scribe came.. maybe I finally opened my eyes to really look at the world around me.

Maximus will stay in my heart forever..

I hope the Scribe wants to keep me.

Delivered to the Scribe

I am not sure what has come over me. I have grown very careful with myself and as much as I love Max it just seems that I am so tired inside and can no longer bare having to deal with the constant rejection. For the last hands I was perfectly happy being alone and checking in with Aris. I just seemed to need that time to ignore everything and just function. I find it amusing that on the same day I said that I was ready to think about what would happen to me.. I saw the scribe amongst the rest.. he just sitting there quietly but what a presence he had and he... got a woman who is working hard to protect herself to open up and even ask him to take her. Perhaps it is time and perhaps I am ready.

Aris met with Lucian and the business transaction was made between them. I will be with Lucian doing office work for a hand, while he is away the following hand he has the option to keep me there working until his return. I imagine it would depend on the workload and if Aris likes me not being there.. Aris.. I found it hard to part with him yesterday, I have been under his care for years now and it is he that at least was a constant. I must confess that I miss him a bit more than I thought I would and I hope he is doing well without me.... I wonder if he feels the same.

I am a slave.. a very bold slave and never have I had pause to think about my behavior to a man until now.. Perhaps I want to please him more and with he being a Scribe, I feel like I should be less the slave that I am?... He is a man.. a Gorean man and there should be nothing about my behavior that changes but I find myself wanting him to want me nearby so I tread carefully until I know him better. I wonder if this means that I will writhe beneath him better than most.... He intrigues me so and well.. he attracts me. I organized the work today and started to sort and file things from the desk but many times I found myself drifting into thought and thinking about him.. that hold of my hand from the first night with him, the way he looked at it, then rested it back to his chest, his over mine possessively. He is so different from Max. He excites me. I hope he likes having me around....

I meet a free man, the Scribe

I rushed home looking for Aris tonight and it looks like he is at the paga den again. I am not sure if he met with Marcus or not about a job but there is someplace I can go to be useful.. and work. And .... I will beg my heart out to make this happen!

I met a man... a scribe and I found I wanted to go with him, to help him work. There was just something about him that drew me. I am a bold slave but usually it is my seduction of them as a slave. This man I was bold with but in different way. I asked him to take me with him! I asked if I could come work for him. He will meet with Aris to make the arrangements necessary.. I am so excited. I will be going to Port Kar where he lives.

It will be good to fill the empty ahns of my long days. I have to face that Maximus is gone and too... for the first time in a long time there was a longing.. a longing to belong and with this Scribe I will be busy and be around people as well. It is a wonderful opportunity and too... I really like him... I did not want to leave him tonight...

The end of the Thief's whip

I do not remember the last time I was whipped. Marcus whipped me but it was to remind me my place before he raped me while bound to the slave pole. Punishment wise? I am not sure Maximus ever did lay a whip to my skin, he usually would leave when I was out of line after chaining me to his couch.

Today.. my mouth earned me a whipping.

Today, the Thief called Mortis punished me and I deserved it. I am glad he did not cut out my tongue like he said he might, that blade scared me as it sat on my tongue and when that dull edge of blade moved over my throat, I did think for a moment that maybe I was learning a lesson I would not have the chance to learn from. Instead he commanded me to position and I endured the fall of his whip by five lashes. He was not easy on me, nor tender or kind when done. I kissed his feet as he ordered me away from him yet I wanted to writhe and beg him to fall on my body and violate me completely.

He confuses me. I hope to see him soon.....

Quiet Garden in Ar

It was over a hand now and the woman known as Bela, the one that did not care that Max was gone, good riddance! or was it.. Yes, anger possessed her and her not care attitude but then the days began to pass and while she was sure she would not feel a thing that he had left, he had so many times before... Bela began to feel the walls close in on her.. she felt she could not breath, after all, he was her very breath. But he was gone.. he would not be seen again so now what, where did the woman pick up after a dozen years loving one man so much.... Would she begin to die? He did take her heart.

Now just a woman of loss often found in this quiet garden in Ar... dancing the pain of love lost. The blooms and fragrance her saviour... a talendar in full bloom picked and slid behind her ear, the vibrant red standing out to accent the woman dark of hair, so green of eyes and so fair of skin. So feminine yet of Port Karian blood and known to be vibrant, vicious and aggressive. Yet now in that lovely garden of Ar, the slow twirls as hands lifted, fingers drawing up her hair to let it fall in slow release of silky locks, eyes closed and the soft smile as she let her mind drift to happier times. The pause in her step and a look behind her over shoulder, leading foot stilled in step, toe pressed into the soft grass and as her heel lifed, it was him that she saw.. he stood looking at the woman who he had made so beautiful, after all how more beautiful can a woman be than one submitted to her love for him. He smiled, she turned slowly, arched and statue like, the body of woman in perfect display, fingers drifting along her sides, framing the loveliness that he gazed upon as the roll back of her head brought on a dance of love. Before his eyes she came alive, hips in slow gyration... calling to him as the flush of skin, and subtle turn of her hip spoke volumns more than a common slut grinding herself to orgasm. Gorean dance and art of emotion and this woman danced .. love.

Turns perfection.. sleek body of toned muscle, the flat of belly easing out to tempt him as she drew so slowly that silk garment up to give a tease... that shadowy patch barely seen and the flicker of eyes that held a smile as one hand lifted, letting go of the silk, beckoning to him with a curl of finger, her lips whispered... "come see, come see what you do to me..." The lead of hip, the turn as she moved into a slow spin, the soft moans needing to be heard because within his eyes, she was helpless... so helpless. Fingers crawled.. the silk lifted in such a slowness, temptress.. seductress as she rolled her hips feeling the heat spread through limbs.. centered in the pulse of her belly. More loose her movements, liquid and without effort as that hem of silk allowed the wink of gold belly chain resting there... hips thrust, the turn bringing the kick up of one foot, she, Bela, such a flaming tease.. that silk touching over sensitive nipples and he could see how he affected her. There was nothing more than a slave.. a woman.. knowing where she belonged, how her body begged, how deliciously she moved... those sounds now the softest of whimpers. Silk, crimson, shimmering, fell from her body to land to the manicured grasses of the garden. She, breathtakingly needful, chest lifting as her breaths were more labored and not from the dance but circumstance... of her.. being a needful slave within the eyes of the man that loved her.

What would he have done with her that very moment as she danced herself toward him... so needful.. His. So vibrant... His. So devoted... His. Eyes opened.. it was she laying in the grass of the garden, in that quiet corner that she had come to call her own. Her dream over and she didn't even look.. he would not be there. She dared herself to glance... just maybe his being gone was just a bad dream and she finally did sit up and look but it was as she thought, the garden was empty.... Her hand set down to the grass as she half turned with lowered head, beneath the fall of hair the woman.. Bela, wept.

Realizations

What happened to the Bela I know.. I .. used to be a slave that men fought over to own. Now... I am just another one of those slaves wandering aimlessly. I hate Maximus for leaving me.. I hate Aris for reminding me that I lack direction and any form of day to day life except wandering hoping for a bit of attention. How pitiful I am, how depressing my life has become.

The only man that seems to know I am alive is a thief residing in Port Kar. Yet.. I am just a slave.. hot and a slut amongst the many he keeps company with, nothing special, just a slut he calls Bela. I serviced a man the other morning, it held nothing except for the sex.. that is what I am for I suppose but it is new for me ~ I was always the desired slave...

The lessons we learn.

The Seduction of Aris

Aris had business last night and told me he would speak with me on some things upon his return, he with his small entourage left the ship and suddenly the ship was like a prison, so quiet, lonely, and I began to weep, pitifully for myself and my family. It was a time later that I woke up and crawled from Max's bunk, the ship still quiet so I took a long hot bath to think about things..

Max's departure will forever leave a scar that will not heal stacked upon the others he has left through our long history together. I will have no need to speak on him again... my life without him will speak my pain well enough.

As I finished I heard boot steps on the deck and it was towards that sound that I followed after silks were slipped on, maybe.. just maybe it was Maximus? To the corner I stopped and held my breath as I looked around, it was Aris and I stepped back before he could see me, my disappointment clearly seen on my face.. pressed against the outside wall of the cabin I had to fight the wash of tears that threatened again. Aris though did not miss much and he bellowed my name knowing I would fly out from the darkness and end in a kneel at his feet, I looked up at him and forced a smile, he himself looked tired and haggard. Paga was his first order of business and as I came back with the cradled bowl, I approached him, a man that had always been there for me but didn't seem to want me.. I lowered to kneel keeping the vessel tight to my breast.. splayed my thighs and arched with a small whimper of slave woman begging touch. To this he lifted his brow and leaned an elbow to leg to watch me better. For him I displayed a whore begging for his touch, a slave who begged to be touched by the strength of a man such as him. The bowl lifted and my lips upon the side lingered .. I didn't yet offer it but let him watch me kissing the bowl like I would his lips.. my body leapt to response, clearly through the silk he could see erect nipples and the tell tale squirm upon my heels, the bowl was offered and he took it from me and drank deeply as he was content watching me for what seemed the longest time.

It seemed forever to me.. his dark eyes and I began to tremble as for so long I had fought my desire to service him because of how I felt about my Master. Too, he had been my dearest friend when I was a Free Woman and Companion, he seemed so angry at me when I submitted myself to slavery.. and perhaps angry that I had not come to him but stepped around him to get to Marcus, a man who makes me feel my slavery so.. So there Aris seemed to stare at me, kneeling there hot and sassy.. would it be a stare off? I almost chuckled but there was an intensity sitting between us so rich that I had to look away and out towards the water for a time to collect myself. He of course did not miss this and tapped his thigh for me to come closer and spread out his boots to give me room to come in close to him. I will admit at first that I was shocked but I seemed to move without thought and in between his legs, I looked up at him for a moment and boldly lifted my hands to release his leathers, the laces slipping free with ease and his amused expression to me as he grabbed me by the hair. His voice low and exciting told me I had better please him well, I had better not be a common slut.

Of course what could I do.. my mouth upon him and an eagerness that brought a startled sound from him, oh yes, I felt the urge to make him pay for all of the times he touched the slave, Ivy, and not me.. silks were slipped free and I was ravenous and enticing, pushing the man beyond his limits.. he growled and pulled me from him and tossed me away from him. I landed in a sprawl with a cried out gasp, he seething as he looked at me as he must have suddenly remember all of his pent up anger at me. My palms to the deck, on my hip and half twisted and I looked him, breathless I was and taunted him with a slow lick of my lips telling him without word just how delicious he was... I moaned and writhed there right where I laid, he glared down at me and told me I was a taudry whore... I smiled and crooned, "yes, Master." But no, I did not stop, I pushed him with the sights of a writhing slave girl, there on the deck before his feet, moaning and begging for slave rape by a man that just as soon choke me.

He lunged at me and I screamed out in fright but he was on me like a hungry larl.. my body like a ragdoll beneath him as I was no champion to his strength. I found myself pinned by the hold he had on my throat, the collar there the only thing keeping his strength from cutting my breathing. I was getting scared as he seemed intent on hurting me but suddenly as I turned to try to get away from him, fingers scratching along the planking of the deck, I was forced down and mounted by him, his eyes dangerous and his mood very dark.. I whimpered yet my body responded to perfection, writhing and arching, hips lifting as his thrusts were harsh and a lesson to all of my taunting. He raped me soundly for ahns of time and finally lifted my withered and bruised body to carry me to his bunk with him, I slept wrapped around his legs, where he wanted me. He awoke several times during the night taking me by the hair to service him until he had his fill...

In the morning he dragged me up to him and held my head into the crook of his neck and whispered to me as he held me tight against him. He told me he would be taking me to Ar, we would live in an Inn there. He told me Max had walked out on his responsibilities for the last time and that he was going to raise these children that he had been more a father to. As he said these things, he knew I would grieve and hate him for what he was doing, he held me tight and listened to me break down as he took me away from my Master... a Master that was never there. He explained that all would be well, he would allow me to see the children at times until courses in my life changed that. I told him I hated him, he said he knew this and I had no choice in things, it was then he rolled over me and took me tenderly this time, no brutality yet still making me move well and cry out in submission as relentlessly he drew my passions from me over and over, when he felt he had taught me well enough, he did not stop until my body gave in to him again and then it was he smiled and let me sleep.

When I awoke, we left for Ar.

The Message

True to form my beloved Master runs yet.. again. This time a business proposition, Aris just smirked and said an assortment of things that I listened to as I held the paper, he has taken possession of my care. At least he does not abandon me. I think back on the last hands.. finally meeting my Master through the various messes of a dozen years even if I have been with Max through most of those years, at least I know that man, my love Master. My heart forever his but I am not even sure I care he goes away for the umpteenth time, it gets pretty old after time. Yes, I lie to myself as my Master has just left with my most precious commodity, my heart.

I have to face that my Master is beautiful with words to lift a woman and her spirit up but it is the fall where those words do the most damage. He is quick to speak, short of dedication and with ease walks from his responsibilities. I know he has these flaws and it never stopped me from loving him with everything I am.

And so I am alone but with me is his love.. he has told me these things.. I am the one he hunted down swearing nothing would come between us again. I believed...

Forever our hearts are entwined.
Forever I am His.
I am His.
His.
His.

His....

/mun weeps - you are loved, my sweet.

Meeting at the Cliffs

This morning I went to the cliffs in my wanderings, home base rather lonely and there does not seem much point in sitting there and waiting sooooo... I wandered and came upon two men, brothers that were recently reunited. The man that had been away for a long time was a handsome man and his brother called him, Reeve. I served them and was a lovely bit of flesh to gaze upon and was rewarded by the man Reeve taking me to his camp to put me to use.

A lovely beast I was beneath him and I was glad that his return brought him a slut to serve him well as he used me quite a few times over the course of a very long morning. He is recently home from Klima and has not had a woman in a very long time. Too, he seemed rather new at the Mastering of a woman sexually so such a subservient beast I was and he by the time done with me was confident and handled me quite well.

He says he will find me again..

The Secluded Cove

After my ordeal with the man Milo yesterday, I took that hot bath and once my chores were done I headed to the springs. Mostly, I wanted to soak my hip in the comfort of the hot and bubbling springs as I am in quite a bit of pain but I think it is not something I should bring up. The deep bruising will fade soon enough. As well, I needed some distance and sought it with Aris' permission by this trip to the springs. I swam with the man from Port Kar, Mortis, as he is quite a bit of fun, he though ended in a scuffle and I ended with Ivy wagering over the outcome of the fight. When it got a bit too rough, the two of us were hoisted onto Marcus' shoulders and he took us to a quieter pool. Dumped into the pool, my silks were deposited into a pile by the side of the spring and I watched Ivy sent to Aris to service him. I will admit I am boggled by this interest he has in Ivy and truly wonder why I get the glares and indifference.... perhaps... I will seduce him.

Left alone with Marcus now I found myself a bit nervous as our last encounter had run me off to protect myself from hurt and confusion. Love and loyalties sometimes blind me to what I must do as a slave. Perhaps that is why Marcus is a draw for me. I crave him, he keeps me in check because it is so easy for me to fall back on how I love Max and the easiness to isolate myself away from other men. I am no longer a companion.. I am a slave, a hot blooded slave long asleep. It was easier to become a free woman than to re-introduce the slave that once was.

I had expected cruelty from him again but he caught me off guard and was nice. He has his views, he see's himself as my Master while owned by another and I will admit that I do seek out his attention .. perhaps I am a selfish woman.. Marcus put me to use, I had not been with him in that way since the night I was chained to the post in his chambers and upon that post earned the privilege to sleep wrapped around his legs. Once past my heart I do writhe well, like any other slave and once done with me he left me on the rock and had me perform my slave needs while he watched. Soon I was sent away from him and Aris done with Ivy collected me and brought me back to Max. My Master was not there and it was not long before I was bathed and asleep, I woke some time later and he was there next to me sleeping, smelling like the paga den he had gone to earlier in the day.

Maximus ~ much of the night I watched him sleep. I am so angry at him and feel a level of hate for him right now that I can not easily shake yet... he is my Master now and I must obey him, in that I am heated. Forced to endure what I must, He putting me to task making me being what I am now. He has changed... he was once my Owner and I loved him anyway.. now he is being my Master.. I love him more. Emotions will fade.. as he said yesterday, it is his right to know everything I feel and think...

I think .. finally.. we have traversed the rocking waves and dangerous rocks.. do I dare think that we have taken the turn on the bend to smooth sailing? one can hope.

Putting Our Past Away

Today was a day of challenge. Master found a page had been torn from my journal and I had to explain what was written there and why it was torn out and burned. I explained that I had seen Marcus and the slave, Ivy, the day before and in a very short instant on their leaving I was shown that I had not given myself wholly to Max or to Marcus. It seems that I allow myself an escape hatch and when this was pointed out to me by Marcus and his brief look the other night I had to face myself. I am torn and conflicted by these two men. Each having made such an impression on me in their own way. Master made it clear I will not hide from him and that I will not write here what I think he wants to hear.

He told me to get his tunic and when I had, he fished from it and handed to me an announcement. I went numb when I read this about the birth of his son, a son that was very close to the age of our daughter and oddly enough the childs name the same name I would have named our son if Madeline was not brought to us. It seemed only fitting that Maximus would have a brother by his uncles name having seen the Max's together so many years ago. My fury came out and I was reminded that I am a slave now and felt it unfair that I could not react to a suspicion that was realized from my free life. I knew Max was away too much for nothing to be going on. Some heated accusations came from this discussion and I in my anger grabbed the journal and went running to the side of the ship to throw it in the river, he was right after me and threw me to the deck of the ship after getting the journal from me. Growling at him something about trust he informed me that I was not free anymore and that he was my Master whether I liked it or not and that I would give him what is rightfully his, which is .. me. Normally those words would bring joy to my heart and they did underneath it all... but that was overshadowed by the betrayal I feel.

He dragged me down to the bunk of Milo, a crewman, threw me in there hobbling from the ache in my hip from the fall to the deck and shackled me there. Milo was summoned and soon the sweaty man was in the bunk and on top of me for ahns as I fought like an angry larl, he did not care as he raped me several times. Of course I was a slave beneath him, my body pleasing even if my mood was not. To hear the cheers of the men when he emerged from his bunk just made me scream.. Aris unshackling me and me running for a hot bath, peace and quiet.

No more am I the coddled slave of Maximus Cabot.. the first collar I wore of his was studded with emeralds... I now live shackled and put to service upon his whim, my neck encased in simple steel with his name.. I find myself happier than I was when that coddled slave. It will take some time to put away these feelings of betrayal and too, my Master is not giving me a choice.

Had a been a free woman today, I would have walked away from him and never a look back. This is not a privilege of mine anymore. Now, I am enslaved to him and this forces me to be at his feet loving him. I am not sure how I feel about this at this very moment but one thing I am sure.. I was glad I was not a Free Woman today.

What happened last night....

Last night I was at the feet of Marcus, just talking about the generalities of day to day.. I did enjoy the time there and tried to tell that my feelings for both he and Max are so different... I have had completely different relationships with them. With Max one of love, with Marcus one of slavery. In all my years these are the two men who have made such impressions on my life in such different ways... I always feel so torn and yet torn from two very different sides of me. Ivy was found by Aris spying on us and she was dragged to his feet as well.. it was quite enjoyable watching her grovel to keep his attention or try off of me.

With a suddenness, Ivy was lifted and carried off.. His expression when he looked at me said so much that I just could not breath.. never in my life had I felt so shallow and conflic......

[the page was torn from the book and tossed into the kitchen fire......]

Coddled Slave of Maximus

I had a day today like I have never had with the man Maximus Cabot. I found him on the deck and I went to him as a slave would go to her Master.. to a kneel there pretty as could be and he greeted me like normal. Soon I found myself with a rope tied around my waist and his men carrying me to the railing and throwing me overboard. It was a terrifying fall and I plunged into the cold water without having gotten a good breath but that did not matter because then I was yanked up so quickly any air in me rushed out and I found myself hanging over the water, flailing and crying, screaming my lungs out. The laughter topside was quite effective in reminding me that I am no longer the Lady Bela, that I am just a slut on the ship, an owned slut. I was left to dangle there for a time, let to drop a bit again to scare me then hoisted up onto the ship rather abruptly to fall to the deck sobbing and coughing, just a puddle of water and tears to the crewmen kicking at me and the final cruel slap on my ass when Max was in my sights and I was crawling to him for safety. I have bruises all over from the rope and the fall, the kicks and landing on the deck.

My Master, the man who would always scoop me up and let me cling to him in times of trouble looked at me differently now and as he came down to a crouch next to my wilted form on the deck, he grasped my hair and lifted me to my knees to look into my eyes. Instead of drawing me in he said -- "remember this day, bela" -- He left me there then and went to sit with the rope he had been working on earlier. I thought to be defiant and let him sit there alone but it was me in a groveling crawl to his feet, my cheek to his foot as I looked up to him. At that moment, I have never been happier to be back in collar, I have never been happier to crawl across a space to get to him. He smiled as he looked at me and touched my hair before giving me a message for Aris, Master intends to meet Aris in the sands by sword.

Pulled up by my hair, my Master kissed me brutally and totally leaving me gasping for breath, writhing and helpless, there is something new about the man of my heart, Maximus. That kiss was not possession, it was being loved.. being -owned-, he left me flushed and with toes curled as something new has happened between us. Nothing was said, I just looked at him and his hazel gaze bore into me, my Master touched my soul and He knew this.

Today ... Maximus Cabot was... my... Master.

Midnight Roamings

I managed to beg Aris out for a walk last night. I was restless and wanted to roam a bit. Aris I think sometimes gets bored with his job and perhaps that was why we had our walk. Many times I am told no and very often he keeps me kneeling at his feet while he drinks paga, he just stares at me. He does not say what he is thinking but I find myself moving into a stunning kneel yet I seem to leave him unaffected. He does not look at me or touch me like he does the slave, Ivy. Master asked if I was jealous of this and I insist ... not.

He led me to the cliffs this time, a different trail, a different route to get there and it was hard at times to keep up with his quick and long gait but I managed not to get lost. A voice was heard calling out to Aris and I just cringed hearing the voice of Marcus, my old Master. He did not seem overjoyed to see me and when he called me a liar I spoke up to defend myself, what I got for it was a slap across my face and ordered to shut up until spoken to. I was then put into service to get them drinks with no coin, earning those drinks. I assure you it was quick and efficient, done in the laziest way possible because it was for water and paga filled to a flask already in my possession. Soon they had their drinks and Marcus had me strip of silks and belly chain, pointed out how coddled I was and let me grovel at his feet, a slave to a Master.

I can not say what it is about Marcus. Perhaps I like to be reminded just how much a slave I am and to be put there relentlessly to stay, I have forgotten over the years just where my place is. Marcus said I will be allowed at his feet but that for now he was done with me and I was to run home to my lover, that my Master had much to think about.. Aris and he seem to get along well, Marcus offered Aris a job should he ever want one.

I was led home and it was quite late, little did I know that Max had been there to find me not warming his furs as he had expressly left as instructions to me.

Fiesty Larl

I ran to the deck to find my Master there, so happy to see him but I could as well see the look on his face when he saw my bruised and battered state. He had spent some time with his newborn daughter, Madeline, then inquired on the condition of his slave, Bela. I explained the fights with the slave, Ivy, and Maximus was not pleased especially since during the first fight I was pregnant yet and he questioned me to see if this short sightedness on my part brought on the birth. I explained to him that I had not been feeling well the days prior and that Madeline was impatient, coming into this world on her own.

He looked me over and as we went over some things on his mind it was fairly soon that he had me bent over a crate putting me through my paces. Having been his slave, then freed to be his Companion and now willingly back at his feet in his collar, I have to admit I am much happier. There is such a difference between loving a man as a free woman compared to a slave. When I was Free, I told him I loved him and I always meant it. But as a slave I must be love, not just say it. My body to his is the culmination of that love. There is no doubt that I am the love slave of Maximus Cabot and I have had the honor to bring him his son and daughters. But now I am back where I belong, where I can show him my intense and deep love where he will always see it and be able to touch it. He had me in such a way that the entire crew knew what was going on and perhaps a few of them had to rush off to the nearby paga den to rape a wench as well. I know I was quite vocal and helpless as my Master kept me in His service for quite a while.

Tenderness shared.. words that are mine forever and between us, I am the woman of Maximus Cabot, in freedom or the truest freedom, slavery. I was given a gift, a golden belly chain which he has said he desires to see it move on my hips when I dance for him. I look forward to this. Master sent me to the Physician for a dose of slave wine and this was done before going to bathe and keeping his bunk warm for his return. He expects me there hot and ready for him..

Today for two reasons he called me His... fiesty larl.

The Door Ajar

I awoke with a suddenness and bolted upright with heavy breaths. My heart was pounding in my chest and I had to stop and try to think what was happening to me. Was it Madeline crying that woke me up? As I listened I heard nothing but silence. In the distance the normal sounds of the crewmen working, I, however, was aggitated and could not touch upon the restlessness. My soul felt touched and it has brought me to an emotional mess because inside is that woman, Max's woman, who aches in his absense. When I looked I saw that the door was a bit ajar and bound out of the bunk to run topside. Aris was seen and as I approached him, he could see that I upset by something, I could not even tell him what until he told me that Maximus had been here. I began to weep and was so angry at him for not waking me to see the man I need so desperately! Aris stood there cooly and I hated him and wished he would go away, I turned to flee from him and back into the cabin. It was here I sat with this journal agonizing over how to write about so many different sides of pain that I feel.

My greatest pain is my smugness in thinking he would not see me bruised and scratched... I am not beautiful to look upon, my Masters gaze would have met with the ugliness of his slave. Marks there not put there by him but a result of a fight of vanity between one slave and another. Wasn't I so jovial thinking what trouble Ivy might find with Marcus when I had the distance of my Master for protection.

*Just then Aris came and told Bela that Max was on deck waiting for her...the book left where it was, Bela rushing to the deck to get to her Master*

The Vine ~ Part Two

Today I ventured out to the falls and while serving a blind man a drink of water I felt to my thigh a stone that was thrown, luckily my serve was not severely interupted but it began a decline in behavior by both the slave called Ivy and myself. We fought like jealous beasts and while we both lacked self control it was plain to see that we are such different creatures. I see in her a slave that I was becoming and have lost touch with and her Master is the reason for that. She see's me as the woman who was cast away by him when in fact that was not the case. Maximus is the reason I am not with Marcus. It came to fighting, bruises and bleeding but a grudging truce and maybe a bit of respect between slaves. I know I hit low on the slave the last time calling her to task about whom Marcus has said that he loved and this time she became the slave who trod in an area that was not her place. Submitting and leaving my children behind will be my regret. I am a woman who found that with a past of Port Karian slave pens and once a true hot whore .. somewhere in that woman was born a woman who would be a wonderful Mother. My children have been my saving grace, that slave marred that today by speaking out on things she could not possibly know. She caused me a great pain that I will not let her find again.

When I got back to where we are staying, my scratches were tended and I bathed myself of the dirt from our fighting. I am bruised and battered and one perfect thing to finish my day... I know Marcus will not be pleased about Ivy's condition and Max... he travels, what will he ever know. The remainder of the day was spent doting on three children much loved. Then I had the privilege of having my Masters bed to myself... such a privilege when it remains empty save.. me.

She is called Madeline

The ships physician examined me after Aris saw that I really was not feeling well after our trip to the springs. Perhaps the emotional outburst and the ensuing fight between me and that slave brought on the labor or perhaps it was just bad timing. After the intitial examination, it was determined that I was in fact in labor and Aris unlocked the collar around my throat.

The long ahns of labor were of me watching the door as the hunt for Maximus began so that he could be there for the birth of his child. Again I brought into this world his child alone, yet she is so beautiful that I try not to dwell on the sadness. He and I have lost so much of our lives together. Aris stood by and watched me in the agony and joy of birth laced with such unhappiness. What is to become of my child now that I can no longer protect it within my body. What will I be now that my last hold to freedom is gone. It is so very hard on me to let go of my children, they have been what has kept me going while feeling so useless for so very long. Again I am faced with the endless days of loneliness. I am in such pain.

Max I know is on a trip of importance..

His daughter that looks so much like Maxine, she has been named, Madeline

Tangling with a Vine

Aris took me out to the springs today and now I am a bit battered, have some bleeding scratches and Aris is in a foul mood. He has his nerve being angry at me, did I not endure him groping that wench in front of me. Did I not have to suffer through the cruel things she said to me about Marcus? I will admit to getting down and dirty with her, I did say some cruel things to her which is what spurred her to attack me but I was glad she did as I wanted to inflict my own pain on her.

As much as I love Max, to touch upon my slavery again then left to not experience it is rather disheartening. Aris see's I wait for him again and what choices do I have now as a slave and not a free woman. The child stirs and is restless and it will be anytime soon that it will demand to be part of our life. Since the fight with the slave I have not been feeling that well.

She has forced me to see that I have quickly lost what Marcus was teaching me, that the slave he was pulling out of me to be seen again has quickly taken cover and closed the door. I hated her today for being so slave like and smug about it. Too, I admired her for it and will hardly let her know this, it will only swell her head beyond reason.

Today.. she made me miss the things that Marcus made me feel. I know I have missed him on and off but I have tried to put my focus where my life is. Things are not turning out as I hoped but that seems to be the direction of my life..

His Door Ajar

After my fun on the deck, I was given my afternoon meal. It was a bit more than I am used to but the baby seems to be consuming much of my energy. I am very excited about the coming birth, the prospect of being with Max for one of our children means the world to me. I am rather unsure to my future with them and looking forward to our reunion with Maxine and Maximus. Aris took me to the gardens the other day and said that Jediah would have them there by tomorrow. I can not wait to see them and I am sure Max is ready to gaze upon his children too.

As I passed his door I saw it open, he had to know I would creep in. There resting on the bunk he looked so beautiful to me, he always has. I stood beside him for a time, my fingers touching at his temple and lightly through his hair. There is no one more important in this world to me. I joined him in that bunk, curled up to him and while I thought I would watch him sleep, it was me who promptly fell asleep. I am home.

When I awoke it was to the gaze of my Master and the test of his lips that would not let me kiss him, there is not way to count all of the times he has done that to me yet I still beg that kiss with a hunger. He asked if I hungered for that sailors kiss on the deck that day.. it seems my Master is keeping close tabs on me. I explained that it was just a flirt, that it is He that speaks to my heart, speaks my soul and my sex, but he knows this. Still.. he teased me with that kiss and got me squirming and begging for his rape. I was sent off to cook for He and the crew. He is such a beast!

He felt his child move today... he smiled at me and looked at me with that love I know is always there. I asked him if he can accept me as I am.. I do not think he likes me where other men can see and desire me. I teased him that he kept me in robes all of those years so that no man could lay eyes on me.. he agreed with me. I knew this.. it is he that I want happy and he will do with me what he needs to make it so.

On The Deck

So begans my new life within my new life. I don’t know where I will end up in any given day and it a certainty that I never expected to be a possession, either Companion or slave, to Maximus Cabot ever again. The anger of Max is brewing and it can be seen under the surface of his skin. I have a long way to go before he looks at me without some sort of doubt, hate or anger. Though I have taken the step to fix my life, perhaps Max will hate me for this forever. I am a mix of feelings and most likely the pregnancy is not helping with the swing of emotions depending on the hour of the day. In an odd way I miss Marcus, he after all was in the process of pulling me from my hidden place and I hope Max will continue the work begun on me. Bela wants out in the sunlight, not locked away in a dark musty place.

Beneath the tunic I have begun to show and now Max has me wearing silks once more. my lower belly is beginning to round, soon I will be more clumsy than I am already feeling yet now the coming of the child is no longer stressful like it was. I was worried about a happy birth for the child and brought to be with Maxine and Maximus. That burden now lifted and the birth not a dreaded thing, without Max it would have been the worst of experiences. I will still lose my child, I am a slave now but not in such a cold yet necessary way. Marcus could not let me keep the child obviously.

How different the two men are. I have been owned by many but only two haved affected my life and in such opposite ways. Max I love with every part of my being and Marcus held love from me long ago in that caravan but it was one to a man so grateful for making me be a slave. By the time I had ended at his feet I had already lived as a love slave twice past, a coddled slave and one that could rule men so easily. He had been the stop for a while in that behavior. I knew very well that if I could find weakness in a man I would use it to my gain. Marcus did not allow that and so he began to shape a slave as she should be so yes, I loved him back then for making me what I needed to be. Max held my heart, he had for so many years and that was no secret but now we form a new relationship and I look towards it with anticipation and apprehension. I do not want to lose that bela I had begun to find again. Obviously I will have to be patient and wait for the birth of our child.

Max put me in silks, placed his collar on me and reserved me for himself, and in the time spent with him there was a calmness in me and I wonder if he could see that I am more at peace? Tripping all over myself as a free woman, trying to figure out what he desired of me was exhausting. Now I am something I know and was comfortable in once upon a time, I hope he could deal with me that way after having me at his side for so long. We are strained, finding our way, there are so many things to learn about each other again.

In the mornings when I rise I head out to the deck of the ship and stand there feeling as if I am so entirely free, I am finally, free of the restraints that held me back and this morning I laughed and danced around the deck just amazing the crew there. A bold woman I was and would flaunt myself at them, turning and spinning, giving them a taste of a Bela in a better form, out of practice for so many years and pregnant. I however moved in a way that lured their gaze and their lust. One sailor grabbed and kissed me while his superior stopped him, I am Max’s was the announcement made to the men, I just winked at the kisser and trotted away to continue my spirals and seductive movements. This crew might learn to hate me for being brash and beautiful, teasing and seductive and so untouchable! And too what a shock it was seeing the Lady Bela of the Estate as such a teasing slut, yes, perhaps they can see that I might writhe well beneath a man and it seems some thing that is the perfect place for me to be. That Port Karian wench was reborn and wobbly on her feet but she will come into her own once again. I am free, more free than any free woman on this planet, how stupid they are thinking they are Free! I have made my presence known on the ship.. I think there will be many slaves sought out at the paga dens where we are to shore.

My Life Defined

On the ship today I was put in Max's collar and am now dressed in silks. I answered his questions with honesty and I see an anger seething under the surface of his skin. I betrayed him by leaving him as I did and I am certain that I will pay for that for some time to come. Left to my throat are the finger marks where he held me there, it would have been very easy for him to kill me and I in turn made it easy for him. If I were to die by his hand tonight I at least would have had his face in my mind at the last moments of my life. Something stopped him. I was given a mercy this time. I am allowed my journal and I am to keep it in his room so he may read it, I am reserved and may go out with Aris. I worry for Aris, I am not so sure Max is done with him yet. Aris did nothing but what I hired him to do or asked of him. I know Aris has feelings for me, I hope Max will be kind.

He looked at my body, bruised by the slave whip that Marcus used well upon me, he touched our child. I know he is not happy about this right now, I could see it in his eyes. However, he is guarded and does not speak things to me right now, his hard kiss told me all I needed to know as he laid me down to rest while he went outside.

It will be hard for a while ~ we will be okay.

Then There Was Maximus

Sitting in the garden with Aris, suddenly there was a scruffy looking man but I would know my Max anywhere. My heartbeat quickened and after I was called to serve another man and released, he patted the ground and called me by my name. Without thought I rushed to him and kneeling there beside him, in this moment, there has never been a better moment ever.

He pulled me to his lap and my lips were to his neck, all I could do was tell him how much I loved him.. simply I said... "I love you so much".. I think this surprised him but he gathered me close to him. I felt his hand on my belly and rejoice filled my heart.. this child he touched within my womb. He was quiet about it but he was told what happened and he knows that it is his.. it could be no one elses. Maximus said we would not be parted again unless by death. I am very aware that he could have killed me and I am surprised that he did not.

We have much to figure out and set sail on a ship where none could touch us, I will enjoy this time with him .. once the seasickness passe

The Hunter

I have been hoping to not serve other men and haved dreaded the day that it will come. If Marcus is still the same as when he owned me many years ago, I will do so. Serving him is one thing, I have placed myself at his feet in search of the Bela that he knew. Though wanting to be sheltered from the rest is my design as so much of myself is kept closed up for Max.

The Hunter demanded that I dance the other night. It has been so long and I barely remember what it is to be a slave yet he said I would do so, he was not looking for perfection but he was looking for heart in what I did and entertainment. A spear thrust into the ground and my ankle attached to it by long leather tether, I danced for this man the relationship of me and Max to me and Marcus. He saw there a pour out of emotion in the movement of a slave body. He was pleased.

I saw him last night before I served my Master. I found I craved this Hunters touch and responded to him entirely too well when all he did was touch my face and trace my lips with his thumb. I kissed his hand and eased closer for more and there inside was heat.

I hope to be able to serve him again...