Putting Our Past Away

Today was a day of challenge. Master found a page had been torn from my journal and I had to explain what was written there and why it was torn out and burned. I explained that I had seen Marcus and the slave, Ivy, the day before and in a very short instant on their leaving I was shown that I had not given myself wholly to Max or to Marcus. It seems that I allow myself an escape hatch and when this was pointed out to me by Marcus and his brief look the other night I had to face myself. I am torn and conflicted by these two men. Each having made such an impression on me in their own way. Master made it clear I will not hide from him and that I will not write here what I think he wants to hear.

He told me to get his tunic and when I had, he fished from it and handed to me an announcement. I went numb when I read this about the birth of his son, a son that was very close to the age of our daughter and oddly enough the childs name the same name I would have named our son if Madeline was not brought to us. It seemed only fitting that Maximus would have a brother by his uncles name having seen the Max's together so many years ago. My fury came out and I was reminded that I am a slave now and felt it unfair that I could not react to a suspicion that was realized from my free life. I knew Max was away too much for nothing to be going on. Some heated accusations came from this discussion and I in my anger grabbed the journal and went running to the side of the ship to throw it in the river, he was right after me and threw me to the deck of the ship after getting the journal from me. Growling at him something about trust he informed me that I was not free anymore and that he was my Master whether I liked it or not and that I would give him what is rightfully his, which is .. me. Normally those words would bring joy to my heart and they did underneath it all... but that was overshadowed by the betrayal I feel.

He dragged me down to the bunk of Milo, a crewman, threw me in there hobbling from the ache in my hip from the fall to the deck and shackled me there. Milo was summoned and soon the sweaty man was in the bunk and on top of me for ahns as I fought like an angry larl, he did not care as he raped me several times. Of course I was a slave beneath him, my body pleasing even if my mood was not. To hear the cheers of the men when he emerged from his bunk just made me scream.. Aris unshackling me and me running for a hot bath, peace and quiet.

No more am I the coddled slave of Maximus Cabot.. the first collar I wore of his was studded with emeralds... I now live shackled and put to service upon his whim, my neck encased in simple steel with his name.. I find myself happier than I was when that coddled slave. It will take some time to put away these feelings of betrayal and too, my Master is not giving me a choice.

Had a been a free woman today, I would have walked away from him and never a look back. This is not a privilege of mine anymore. Now, I am enslaved to him and this forces me to be at his feet loving him. I am not sure how I feel about this at this very moment but one thing I am sure.. I was glad I was not a Free Woman today.