Trip to Hunjer

I was taken to a place called Hunjer to visit with Master. It has been a great many years since I have been to the north, I remember living there for a time when Jaren left to live there.. right after I had my Master in fact. When Jaren died, Jarl Bruule took me as his to care for me. It was then that I met Maximus.

The High Jarl and his intended Lady seem very nice. I would enjoy their company if still free. I did end up moving crates around and scrubbing the kitchen floor and other chores as well. I met a curious little animal that batted at my hair as it dragged on the floor, it is rather cute. When I reached out to pet it, I realized that I have been so lonely for such a very long time. Amazing that a small animal can teach that. I found myself wanting to cry but I didn't dare as I might displease. It is very important to me to please my Master and his friends.

I am not sure if it is Master that has changed or if it is me.. perhaps we both have since we parted ways. I must find myself and grow comfortable in my skin while making sure that I do not faulter in my service. I try not to miss my children too much but it is very hard.

Shy new slave

While the turn of my thinking will take some work, my body is being taught once again what it was born to be. I must confess that I am sore and my muscles ache.. it has been many... years? since I have laid beneath a man. Akil was never gentle with me but it has been since with him that I have serviced a mans body. Master sat back sending me off to seduce Aris, in some ways I feel like a shy new slave.. I remember those days as a teen, newly into my blossoming body put to the task of seducing the men of the slaving house, working on my skills. Becoming a free woman had changed the direction of my thoughts and what was once like breathing to me is now leaving me clumsy and careful. Once upon a time I would go for a man's laces without a hesitation or thought, the cuff or push away always worth the risk. I approach the men like a free woman now.. careful, hesitant, waiting to be allowed to be that way. I have much to relearn. I felt like I was more my old self when first with Master.. was I or am I imagining it?

Rewind

How many times have I found myself here.. once more, starting again, trying to figure out who I am ... yet, again. My most recent secret.. a hand ago I considered throwing myself at any slavers feet to stop this vicious cycle. My greatest fear is my children being told I am weak, a slut, or worse. I do not want them taught that I was a nothing. I brought them into this world with the greatest of love, I love their father with all my heart.. they were not an act of lust but a entwining of hearts to make these wonderful young people. For all my mistakes in my life, the one thing I did well was be their mother.

I realize I have put myself in this prison, running from my past and being ashamed of it. I have been dragged back over and over by the same men and been allowed to live a fake life of a free woman. In some respect I was very happy in that role. I had work that I loved and plenty to keep me busy but it is time for me to face my birth. I was born a slave. Bred to a perfection, what perfection I will never know. I came from a breeding house of high quality slaves in Port Kar.. a place where the most proud and vivacious of slaves are born. When did I forget that and is that when my slow decline began?

Dawson invited the free woman Bela to dinner. I asked him if he had missed me and his answer was yes, he had missed me very much.. I know I had missed him greatly, his absense has left a huge canyon of space inside of me, it has been hard to breath without him. The Lady Bela left that dinner at his feet again. When questioned where his collar was, I could not do anything but say it was still worn, I had no way to remove it. I was given the news that this last few hands while I thought I had my life back, my trusted guard, Aris, had been working on the payroll of Dawson. Returned to my knees, I now serve both my Master and Aris. I work at the winery for the Master Aris because it is something I am good at. Aris has full use of me for all his hard work put in all these years. Aris is enjoying it right now... he certainly is. I ache, am bruised and he is relentless.. so is my Master.

A Visit

I was at the Arena, watching the fights and counting out the coins for my betting that night when the disgruntled sound of Aris was what first brought my gaze up. I had to chuckle as Max sat between Aris and myself setting off Aris' temper. These two men have such a hatred for each other that I try not to enjoy it too much but they are very amusing!

I asked him if his ship went down in the river. It had been a time since our last contact and soon he will visit to see the children. They are very excited to see him and I think it would be good for them all. All of us.. it does me good to see the laughter and fun between he and them.. a part of life that we were denied. It was good to smile and laugh with him. I can see he drinks too much and wonder what profits my first winery might be showing or if he is drinking it all...

I have not seen Dawson since he apologized to me.. something I have not forgotten, he is not a man to do such things. The cases of wine have been sent to the cottage.

We meet again..

How cool and retortive I was. I rather enjoyed his bit of misery he let me see. Tonight I think Dawson was very honest with me while I spilled lie after lie and then more lies to him as if every word was the truth. I have always been told I am prideful. I am. I am also a terrible liar.

I felt like an uptight free woman again.. worried about proper behavior to a man I submitted myself heart and soul to, to a man I lay naked before while he took out every desire on my flesh. Yet now I must stand tall and stiff, as if I never did these things... as if he has no affect on me.

Back in robes this time is worse than it has ever been. Am I finally realizing this? I have let man after man tell me that I am not a free woman but they would allow me to live this facade anyway. Perhaps it is because this time Dawson touched upon the woman I had been so lost without. Losing her again is so painful.

As always.. I will land on my feet, I shall prevail.

And.. again.

I find myself wandering aimlessly once more. Perhaps not by geography but inside. The newer of books closed with a silken ribbon wrapped around it and buried in a trunk in my room. The words written by me will not be looked at for some time. Looking out towards the future is a slight difficult. Aris as always so stoic and silent as I sit many ahns by the window looking out at the river. The days pass slowly as I put away a woman I liked very much. I have not yet learned how to balance she and me.. in a way that makes life bearable either side of the lives I have lived.

To start again. One more time.

Changes

Today I woke a bit later than normal, most likely because of all the tossing and turning I did through the night. When I awoke I laid in my rather large bed with the finest linens and wondered where I might sleep tonight. Once I dragged myself from my luxury, I met with Aris to have a long breakfast going over final details regarding the children and the winery. I had so many plans for the winery but it just all seems so unimportant right now. There is a blood curdling scream beneath the surface of my flesh, a woman intent in finding her way into the sunlight once again.

I will never regret the reasons for my freedom but I am not sure Max realized at that moment that my freedom brought the loss of what he loved most. I know I did not see this at the time.. I saw all of the things I wanted to do for him.. keep him happy and bring him children. Certainly the slavers that bred me never intended on that ability from me but they did breed a woman with a heart. Perhaps a flaw in blood line, perhaps not.

For the last two days I have been going over my decisions and the reasons for them. There is no decision here on the part of Dawson.. I would have submitted to him a hand ago and I can not give a good reason why. It is something that is right.. it is something that I crave. It is something that I have to do.

During the long ahns of the night I closed my eyes and went back in time. A time finally pinpointed in where Dawson knew me from. In Dartmoth he saw a woman at her worst. I did not want to go there but what choices did I have, I had to follow on the heel of my Master, Jaren. We went there by the want of his Companion who absolutely hated me and felt I might ruin their chances of being accepted there. Gratefully the woman did not last long with Jaren. I tried to do my best there but oft found myself in Jaren's room in tears after trying to serve those of the City to make him proud. Yes, Dawson saw me at my worst and at the very beginning of my fall. Soon after we left Dartmoth I had my first taste of being a free woman, Jaren having taken me out of collar to Companion and bear children.

After all these years he remembers a woman that intrigued him. I think he did not like that the woman he looked at now had hidden the Bela he knew. And so began his unraveling of the tightly woven free woman that is holding the woman he wants at bay.

I am so scared.

I need him so much..

And then more reflections...

Tonight I came home and Aris knew something heavy was on my mind. Two days I have to think about my future. I tried to start it tonight but I was denied for two days to think and put things in order. I sat at length with Aris and talked about what would be done. He is not a happy man tonight but he knows I have been struggling for so many years. Within my hand is a cloth bag and within the weight that I will bear soon. I can not seem to let it go.

The House is open and aired out and the children are happily exploring as the staff is getting settled. Aris will continue young Max's warrior studies and as each child comes of age, they will go to Max. Aris has been so wonderful to the four of us. I wish I could have been for him what he needed. I have told him it is time for him to find a Companion, to have his own children and to help me with mine.. he is considering this.

When we left Jula, no forwarding address was left. Akil will be fine I am sure. I am certain in no time he will have a new collection and beyond.

In the last hand I have danced on the edge of danger. Drawn to a man that once looked upon me with a hunger.. and still does. Last week I could have easily submitted and for a moment it was very possible for the words to slip free. While there were moments when almost he took me, he would not have another mans woman which offered me a reprieve. I wonder.. at the last moment, would have I said no?

Perhaps that makes me a slut, was I not born that way? But no, to those curious of mind.. Since I have been given my freedom I have treated this position with respect. I have buried what I am to conform to society and make Max and then Akil happy. I failed to make Marcus happy. I regret that, he cared so much but the spark for me had died so long ago. He was not getting the woman who had burned beneath him so many years before.

I am so old.. and so tonight I face myself.

Maximus.. you are my soul mate. The moment we laid eyes on each other we knew. There is a love there that no one can touch. Who knows what the future holds.. I am sure we will drift in and out of each others lives. That is our fate. To this day, I still love you, that will never end. ::pensive she was for a moment, touching over his name in ink::

Akil.. You came into my life like a charging larl. You would not take a no for an answer and you excited me so. Once I was conquered and submitted at your feet behind our closed doors.. a silence came over the house. How I longed to grow with you but that was not to be. I can't remember the last time you inspired my mind.. The flesh is the easy part.

Reck.. still to this day I wonder what ever happened to you. That last night .. the blood, the fear and the sound of my own screams drowning out my thoughts.. I would have done anything that night to help you. You excited me so. I will never forget you and I hope you are well.

Dawson... You have exposed me and crept under my skin. I can not tell you how afraid I am to trust, I can not tell you how afraid I am to not come to you. I have hated every moment that it was time to leave for home. On many occasion Aris dragged me along by my elbow. You have reminded me that I once was a confident and strong woman. You have reminded me that I miss this woman. You remind me that even with my Mate, I still am pensive, held back because of a fear of living as a slave. You have made me face these fears. You have put me here in this moment, sorting my life out and aching so deeply for you. It is rare the man that can render me to my knees. Knowing very well you could have taken me for yours just because.. still I stood before you and shed my free woman facade. ::his name she tapped her finger on and looked at the cloth pouch resting on the table. It was a slow smile that emerged. if he didn't think she was screaming beneath all of that robery he better listen a little more closely, even from the cabin::

Yes.. tonight I think yet my decision is made.

Reflections..

There will always be men that I will meet that are so strong that they inspire this thing in me. There will always be men in my life that think they do inspire these things and yet they can scratch no farther than the surface of my skin.

I stood on the edge of danger this past hand. For a moment I thought I could step away from my life and take a dive into this world in which I was born. Emotion is a powerful thing and can not always be controlled. There were times in this past hand that the sensible side of me would watch what the impetuous side of me was doing. I was powerless to stop myself in a proactive sense. Beneath it all, well, I hope I would have done the right thing.

I found myself beginning to care for a man that took me down memory lane. I found myself beginning to care for a man that was able to put his fingers on the pulse of the woman of hunger on the inside. The Bela of old is there, she is tempered, subdued just enough. I need to remember that and I need to introduce her to Akil, not keep her hidden until someone reminds me that she is there. There is a fine line of just how much the born slave should show. I was once told that I was too beautiful as a slave to be free of collar. So.. I tend to not show much of that woman. Perhaps it is time to trust Akil, fully.

I almost walked away from this life .. while it would have been easy at first, down the road I would have regretted my choices.

Some things I do know about myself. I have always been a woman of indecision, my actions usually stem from that flaw alone. It is why I require a very strong man who will keep me in line.

Some things I do know about myself..

A New Dilemma

I have been forced to do a lot of soul searching. While Dawson would like to see that fiery woman resurrected, I find that allowing her to live once more would come at a great price. Marcus oft said he wanted to find the woman he knew but for whatever reason there was no inspiration felt by me to let him try. I gave him more excuses than anything else and by then I had met Akil.

Back when, Maximus had decided to put me back to my beginnings, to find that Bela he fell in love with. By then I was carrying our third child and while I was freed to give birth to our precious Maddy, still that collar closing on me again was not the answer when by then my heart was fully in motherhood and raising three children of love. Max had the right idea .. but the Bela of old can not live as a free woman.

I am ever changing. I seem to grow into a new person with every situation I am in. In my heart I know why I do some of these things.. I covet a few things that were Max's. While Akil is given everything I have to give, still I am a new version of the old.

Today I have been tested. I passed in some ways, failed in others. On several occasions I angered Dawson but he needs to see that there are many years between the woman he new then and the woman he is getting to know now. I see that getting in touch with that Bela of old will require the greatest act on my part and I am not so willing to submit. The cost is too great. The loss of my children would be the slowest death imaginable.

I earned the humiliation of a spanking today, Aris still laughs at me and says I deserved it for disrespecting him. Perhaps.

A great many things happened today. I faced loneliness. I am challenged to tame my bitterness and mistrust without being asked. I have faced the sadness that I will not find the Bela of old, the Bela that Max fell in love with, right now. I am not yet ready to give everything up to do so.

There are so many things on my mind tonight..

I wish Akil would take an interest in my life again.

I wish I could talk to Max and tell him these things I have learned.

I wish Dawson didn't know me so well. He is entirely too good at putting his finger on the pulse of the reasons things are as they are.

I wish that I hadn't angered him.

I wish that he hadn't sent me away today ..

Meeting from the past

Last night was a night I had never expected. Last night I got a glimpse of a woman long lost. The fiery Port Karian woman. What was so interesting about her back then. What makes men who knew her intent on finding her again? I would like to say that she was an ordinary slave like the rest. Perhaps, perhaps not. I know I was despised by other slaves. I was despised by free women as well because I was not afraid to be just what I was. As it was put to me, I was comfortable in my own skin and I had a fiery spark that came out around free women. Meeting Dawson again last night has flooded me with memories of ages gone by making me realize just how old I am. When he mentioned Jaren he put me back in the time when I knew him .. at first I did not recognize him but after a time speaking with him.. it is the presence I remember so well. Back then would Dawson have saved me like Jaren did. Jaren had watched me for the longest time go from collar to collar. For a time I was plagued by men that would collar then disappear, then stolen, collared to disappear and so on. After about a dozen times Jaren stepped in and told he me would take me and sell me to a better owner. I was ever grateful by then and not long after that I was Jaren's, there would be no sale. He did have a companion back then, she despised me and so he freed me and shoved manumission papers in my hands as I knelt naked before him at the falls. It was the most bizarre moment of my life I think. With no where to go I found myself at a paga den dancing on a table for a man quite intent on having me for his. Jaren had followed me to storm into that paga den, carrying me away while telling me I would not be lost to him again. What would have happened if Jaren hadn't have died... Fate is a tricky thing.

Introductions between Akin and Dawson did not go well. Within a moments time I was offered an out to go with Dawson which completely shocked and enraged me. The two of them were a hundred times worse than the meeting between Akil and Maximus. I am just shocked by the behavior and the lack of civility with all the name calling. Akil could not understand my anger so we ended up on a somewhat stare off until I excused myself to go about my business. This side of Akil is not endearing at the least.

My night of sleep was fitful at best. Visions of years gone by. Have I gotten that lost in my travels that the woman that drew men to risk much to have me has gone into a deep sleep? Would Akil have liked that woman I once was? Over the time with him I have become his woman, a new version of the old. I feel so dull and lifeless, always trying to balance myself to stay free. Granted I am safe with Akil, I am allowed my status of free woman to work and raise my children and allowed to writhe beneath him as the woman I was born as.

I mentioned my desire to travel to Turmus, he has declined that request. I mentioned it was time to see the physician for renewal of sip root. He declined that for now to think about it more. I will not be put in the position again of taking the blame for a mans hasty actions. No, no. No.

It is off to market today, I have some shopping to do and the walk will do me good. The Cabot children and growing fast, all I seem to do is replace outgrown clothing. Madelaine will accompany me today, she is feeling left out as Maxine is busy with her schooling and Maximus is busy with his young warriors training.

Take a Hint?

I must be the most dense woman on the planet. Yes indeed I think this must be.

I have neglected the Turmus property for far too long. Aris is setting the arrangements for river travel. The children will enjoy the trip. It will be a short trip but I must do something to keep myself busy.

-

Days of Warmth

Many days have passed since I have touched this secret book of my thoughts. For a time I caressed the ribbon that held this sanctuary closed. What would I write? What could I write? Then I realize, I have much to say.

Happiness has been hard won. The light I live in now is certainly warm and enveloping. I can not remember a time where I felt more at home and like I belonged in a place or to a place. I am settling into Jula nicely. The warehouse is filling from the winery in Turmus. A rented ship has been doing well enough and we have not experienced any piracey on the river. I need to sit down and pen a note to Marcus telling him of my news and settling the business of the Ar winery.

With Akil there is an easiness that I have not felt before. I realize that he will handle our life and that I can look at a future that is there, this makes me more inclined to be myself and not a woman I think he wants. I wonder how many times I have changed to suit the man I was with. Have I not in the end taken away the woman they desired... I hope to avoid this mistake with Akil. Walls come down and I am more willing to say what I feel knowing well Akil will not turn from me and look elsewhere, if he doesn't like my views, he changes them atop a solid foundation. A slow trust is building amid my wary eye.

As I drift through the house in search of him, many times he will be found in the garden with my.. our.. family. While the children miss Maximus and look forward to his visits, still, a family has grown. Akil on his own has created a bond with each even if the littlest still clings to my skirts shyly, it seems she adores him by that tell tale smile that is seen when Akil comes home. Thank you Akil for taking it upon yourself to do this. You have far surpassed my expectations.

To many more years...

Days of Warmth

Many days have passed since I have touched this secret book of my thoughts. For a time I caressed the ribbon that held this sanctuary closed. What would I write? What could I write? Then I realize, I have much to say.

Happiness has been hard won. The light I live in now is certainly warm and enveloping. I can not remember a time where I felt more at home and like I belonged in a place or to a place. I am settling into Jula nicely. The warehouse is filling from the winery in Turmus. A rented ship has been doing well enough and we have not experienced any piracey on the river. I need to sit down and pen a note to Marcus telling him of my news and settling the business of the Ar winery.

With Akil there is an easiness that I have not felt before. I realize that he will handle our life and that I can look at a future that is there, this makes me more inclined to be myself and not a woman I think he wants. I wonder how many times I have changed to suit the man I was with. Have I not in the end taken away the woman they desired... I hope to avoid this mistake with Akil. Walls come down and I am more willing to say what I feel knowing well Akil will not turn from me and look elsewhere, if he doesn't like my views, he changes them atop a solid foundation. A slow trust is building amid my wary eye.

As I drift through the house in search of him, many times he will be found in the garden with my.. our.. family. While the children miss Maximus and look forward to his visits, still, a family has grown. Akil on his own has created a bond with each even if the littlest still clings to my skirts shyly, it seems she adores him by that tell tale smile that is seen when Akil comes home. Thank you Akil for taking it upon yourself to do this. You have far surpassed my expectations.

To many more years...

The Visit

Max came to Jula to visit his children. Max shorted his children his time while he rushed off to find himself something to replace me. Max shorted Maximillian by denying him a visit with his brother and sisters, something all four children need.

What a disappointment Max is.

How predictable Max is.

I write this in an anger and hurt so deep that I do not know where to begin. The ink spills to parchment as if blood from a cut open vein. For years that door has been open waiting for him to make some sort of move or commitment. How long I hoped he would gather me up one more time that I had not realized how much I let it put a stand still on my life. Marcus never stood a chance because I know in my heart I was waiting for Max to come save me and carry me away. Always I dreamed of that happily ever after with him. I loved him, I will love him always in a certain way but sometimes things change when a different color of light is shed on things.

Akil was friendly enough when we met. Any contact that began by chance meeting furthered by a business contract of wine delivered. When I came to Jula, I had no intention of letting events go further than business but this man did as he pleased, took me in a way that I could not deny him even if it was not really my choice. When I left Jula the first time, I didn't intend to go back but I did. I missed the man, I missed the way he looked at me. Maybe it was then that I realized that I would feel as Niko felt with Max. I was never jealous of her, but I was jealous of the excitement Max displayed over her. I was hurt that as much as he said he loved me, wanted only me.. that I excited him in bed more than any woman ever had that still he didn't seem to find that same excitement in me.. or perhaps it was that I craved the Max from when we first me, that is the man I was waiting for. Still, he treated me as second rate and as the one that would always be there to pick up the pieces or better yet, to fill that void until his next conquest came? Is he really that shallow? I knew he was never true to me, he is a man lacking in control and commitment. Last night I told him that he will always end up as he is. He will always be alone.

Akil didn't allow the shadow of Max to stand in his way and really, Akil did not choose to see that shadow, to him it did not exist. The only thing that existed to him was me, a woman he wanted to and now does possess so fully. How exciting it is to be looked at like that, to be approached with the expectation that I will be his because he says it is so. The night that door almost came in to my room was a night that Akil did not let a door or all the walls I have up stand in his way. He didn't turn and run, he didn't seek solace with someone else to lick his wounds. He is a man.

As Max left in his obvious displeasure at the announcement of our Mating he said he would go out and find a new gem. Well, that would be fine but he won't treat her any better than he did me as he let his true gem get away by sheer laziness on his part. Did he really have no idea that I would wait for him forever if only he stepped up and made something happen? Max, you are a very stupid man and how disappointing you are.

It was time I woke up and looked to the future. It was time I stopped sleeping my life away hoping Max would come claim what had been his for so long.

Akil teaches me that there is so much more to life. I have a partner, someone who attends my booming business with me, a partner who takes his time every day to bond with three beautiful children. A man that will see to that all of us are happy and protected. He teaches me that I can safely be the Bela I am, I am with a man that sees the balance I have in my life as a needed thing.

Was I waiting for Max or was I really waiting for Akil?

How grand it is to love again without doubt or reservation. When I look at Akil I find the old feelings are gone, it is fresh and brand new. I know Akil will not be like Max. How many times did I look at Max saying, "Yes I love him but I don't trust him in the least." Akil finds he has my old habits to deal with at times but kings.. that man is divine.

::Bela looked long at what she had written, dagger drawn, sentences spilled out, pent up filth now cleansed. Dagger sheathed, stylus laid to rest. As she closed the book to the private world of her thoughts, she smiled. This chapter closed, a new one having begun. It was then that the smile emerged, one brand new.. pure and true.::

Possession

While at the desk, working on a letter that I need to get sent off, Akil was heard calling down the hallway for me as he approached our room. Tonight I stepped past the night of my claiming to a step beyond, a future marked by the man himself. In two hands time the old brands will be removed.

An urgency resides in me and while I remember this back in the day when I lived exactly as my breeding dictated.. slowly over the years those needs have thinned, have diluted by the confusion of a woman caught between free and slave. I like being a free woman. I enjoy my life as it but there are times when Akil reminds me that I am his woman, his concubine and more than anything, a female... free or not, I know it would be easy to beg things in that state of mind that I might regret. I live the life of a free woman yet I am a submitted woman, to one.

I will be ready ...

What started as my defiance to keep him out of my world ended in me being quite frightened in what would happen if he had to force entry into my room. How smart I was thinking to throw the bolt on that door as if that would keep him out of my heart, my head and my life. Comparing myself found me on the edge of a confusion, unsure just where I stood with Akil and so I ran, seeking out a safe haven, to not end up back in time, to not end up back in that place I hated. Uncertainty drives me to such drastic behavior at times.

While I listened to him pushing his way through that door, finally I shouted at him to go away but in my heart I knew I did not want him to go. I am his submitted woman, what else can I be and to think of a day without him brought a recoil of doubt and finally the latch slid out of place to allow him entry. I did however run for cover because I knew he was angry at me. My only weapon a thrown slipper, putting my foot down on my independence of it all, taking my rights! It was a soft gesture but one that demanded my space. A gesture he would not comply to, a gesture that brought me within his grip and he taking his rights as a man.

In the tradition of our birth place, Port Kar, I am now his claimed woman, his mate. While I told him I was not ready for such a thing, I was informed that I was ready and that I would be ready to accept how it is between us, who I belong to as free woman and beyond in our private world.

Yes, I am claimed in many ways and while I think I am not ready for such a step, there is no where else I would rather be than where I am. His.

This morning came a smirk from Aris. I could barely walk and no doubt the entire house heard what went on in my room last night. From the battered door unlatched just before it was forced open, to his raised voice and my protests, to the awed silence as I was claimed and finally to the acceptance of it all, the night of passion laced with his punishing takings of me throughout the night forcing home just who I belong to. The smile that does not seem to leave me and the quiet manner I project today as I let it all sink in, still I am stunned. Yet Aris watched me intently, I could not tell how he really feels about all of this and with our history.... who knows. He went to the Inn this morning, no doubt to take out his feelings on the slave he likes there.

How nice it all is

How nice it is to feel part of a home and a future. I am part of a partnership .. of sorts. Akil takes an active role in the property search for the new winery and warehousing in Jula. While sometimes I feel standoffish, living my own life, and too .. this is the first man to take an active role in my life, including the children. Each day that goes by brings a new level of closeness with this man I am coming to care for very much. He pays attention to every facet of my life and keeps the control of those decisions I might make, making many of them for us.

Beneath the surface of the professional woman burns the light of a long lost woman, one who is coming to life again and one not so afraid to reach out and offer to him wholly. While he is a man who will take and conquer, I seem to feel equally safe and delighted that he will not allow the walls I have erected to stay.. erected. There are moments when I feel raw and exploited, the look in his eyes when he reveals more of this woman he had no idea existed. I think on some occasions his discoveries leave us both a bit surprised. Bela of old I thought dead to me; Bela of old is not dead to Akil. He seems to like what he see's, he wants it, he takes it and devours it, I simply revel in it and crave yet more and give.. much more.

We came full circle recently... in a bathing room oddly enough. What started there in my ire of his treatment of me to end the circle of my willingness at his slightest glance at me.. the roots have set, from here we grow. More of the happier woman creeps out each day to feel the light of day, to dust herself off.. to live. Now.. I can not imagine my days without him.

A Longer Visit

Back in Ar for a while, I decided to head to Jula again to visit. This stay has ended up longer than planned and for the time being is indefinate. I am enjoying myself there and for the first time in a while I am allowing myself to enjoy, to not over worry things and to just be. I enjoy the time spent with Akil and instead of the Inn, he has put me in a room at his house, Aris in the next room over. It is more comfortable than the Inn, the gardens are lovely as well.

At times I am not sure if he is serious by the things he will say, I do not know him overly well and while he teases in some regards, I think he might be deadly serious. When I broached the subject of the children, I said I would have to go back or bring them to me and was leaning toward heading to Turmus to meet them there at the vineyard on the river. It had been decided that the children will meet me here. Aris was sent to see to their safety on the journey with instructions to add an entourage of guards until my children are safe with me. I have had word that they have set out on their journey. I am very excited to see them.

Work is still taking place.. I manage both wineries, Marcus' and mine, by documents coming back and forth. At some point I will have to go to Ar to oversee the bottling. The Turmus winery is small enough and my staff trustworthy so I don't worry about that winery much.

Reck - - if only he knew what a space he left in my life. I owe him much for reminding me that there is a life to reach out and grab. I have ended up playing it safe and have become so stagnant. Now, I allow myself to look out to the horizon and start.. there.

The Meeting of Children

Since the night at the alley I have been trying to put the horrible scene behind me. It isn't easy as I worry over.. and miss.. Reck. Daily walks past the shop leave Aris in a foul mood. Nothing I do seems to please him and so it is good that I don't try to please him. That would get us no where. He notices things though and so I feel his hard and dark gaze on me more and more. He knows how he found me, he doesn't know what transpired, only that I still have the remnants of occasional nightmares and this obsession with finding Reck. Asking about Reck on the Street of Brands only brought my guards into an altercation with an overzealous slaver. The man offered that he was more suited to my needs than Reck. For once I did not reply and was escorted away swiftly before the situation became worse. I do not know who else to go to. Thalonius doesn't seem to know anything and if he does he isn't giving me any sign that he has any knowledge of his whereabouts. The wine sales are going well in the arena and finally I am seeing some return on that venture. Still I look for him, still I see him how he was the last I saw him.. from a man I knew in a fevered embrace, to the killer that I stood staring at, trying to help and being smacked away from him to protect me. Reck, I hope you are safe. Please, I need some peace, I wish you would get word to me that you are alive and well. He should have taken me with him, I have coin, I could have helped him.. Bah, this is insanity.

My work has been part of my sanity, instead of laying in bed most of the day like I was trying to.. now I have decided to do something with all of the peach juice I ended up with from the added polination orchards. A peach wine and a peach liquor seem to be a minor success. Perhaps I have sampled a bit more of the liquor than I should but I am thinking when the taste tests are ready to generate to the public, we will find this line a success. The drink does add a mellow warmth to my frayed edges.

Finally the Cabot children have met. I found my heart went out to the young Maximillian but soon he was embraced by our three and romping the gardens like they have known each other forever. Madeline keeps asking over and over when she will see him again. I was a bit nervous about the meeting, more worried about how Maxine would take things as they are but she seems to be taking all in stride, the visit with her father adding more of a smile to her eyes. Of the three I think she is most like him in looks and personality. Young Maximus met his father "man to man" but then caved into the young boy he is by hugging to his father like the child he still is. My young stoic man trying to be the man of the house. I enjoyed watching the two of them together. Then there was Maddy, the child Max has not yet met. She was very shy at first but then seemed to take over like she usually does. Our dramatic child and the child most like me. May the Priest Kings watch over her closely!

Soon the children were having to much fun playing that Max and I were able to talk for a while. There seemed so much to say but not much was said. We seem so formal with one another but he did extend an invitation that I have accepted. Parting was difficult when he and Maximillian had to leave. My heart went out to the boy who now knew his brother and sisters to now going back to a quiet house. I know my three miss him and Max already. Maxine cried herself to sleep, I heard her yet the next day she would admit to nothing - just, like her father. The Cabot brood still snicker at what they saw, I only need to give them the eye to hush them to silence. Max told me that I needed to get some meat back onto my bones. Looking in the mirror that night I realize that I have lost some weight.

Back to work then my daily walk to the Street of Brands and to the shop .. will today be a day of news?

::closing the book she sat back in her chair and rubbed her eyes while she rested for a moment, thinking about where he could be. She knew what she heard, she had a better idea just where he might be and this brought a unpleasant crease to her brow. It was hard to admit but she missed him. A soft sigh as she drew her lower lip between her teeth, memory from one moment to the next, a nibble then to the dark smear of leaking liquid, that nauseous wave once more. He could have left her for dead...::