And then one day

We found after some time together that we are both talking, really talking and we both realized about the same time that we were in fact talking, and mature. In the many years of Maximus being in my life and through all the anger, desire, frustration, fighting, love, hate and every other display of emotion between us, it was this time with him that I found I enjoyed more than I can express simply by the act of communication and both of us feeling heard. We both listened, we both spoke our concerns for ourselves and each other. I can appreciate his not wanting to hurt me again... I offer him home, not random comfort but know him well enough that maybe he is not ready.

I showed him the letter I wrote to Maxine, he feels I should let her read it now, to let her know me before she learns of me through someone else. I suppose it would spare her shock and possible humiliation to find out I was a slave, her fathers love slave. I suppose it would take away a fear I live with daily. I will admit that I am scared but I will do what is best for our daughter. Max was affected by the letter and while we both face things about us that hurts, still, we communicated, shared, accepted each other and even helped each other through the initial pain by the offer of a smile or a light caress.

While legally I am not his Companion and may never be again.. it is my heart that is committed to him and it will stay that way, it simply can not be any other way and we both knew this the day we met.

Drac had some good suggestions.. I imagine he thought we were both out of our minds listening to us say the same things but differently.. it was so different from the day we stood before him in our Companionship ceremony.

Is it possible to rekindle that thing he misses? Yes.

To Maxine, Beloved Daughter

Our oldest daughter turns 18. I look at Maximus and I do not see a man that has an 18 year old child. She is beautiful, so very beautiful and currently content to learning the winery business with me in Port Cos. She will do well filling my shoes in just a few years. My life is riddled with mistakes but the two things I have done well is being a mother and my work.

Of late I look at her and reflect on my life. What would I tell her, what advice can I give her. Love hard and don't regret it. Love hard and mean it. That is the easy part. My heart says, dear daughter, don't do what I have done. Know your mind and live it. She has the benefit of being born free and raised free, she was protected from my mistakes and I hope that she will never be hurt by the cruel people that I know are out there. What would I tell her about regret? A lot. What if she looked at me and said, "Mama, what do you regret?" I would say I regret forcing myself to forget what can not be forgotten, I regret hurting others to fill the void of emptiness.

My Dearest Maxine,

You look in my eyes and see a mother that loves you and your brother and sister more than life itself. You do not see the woman of indecision, the woman that has run through life on ricocheting emotion. You do not see the woman that reacts and acts without thinking. You do not see the woman who has had times in her life that she was so scared she would choose the wrong path for herself. You do not see the woman that would lie to herself trying to convince another that her heart was there with them when it was dying without your father. This is the woman I hope you will never know and if you should ever find this journal in your possession I hope you will remember that I love you.

My Dearest Maxine, do not be like me.

My Dearest Maxine, be just like me.

Do not be afraid to love. Do not be afraid to fight for it when it is what is most important. Do not stand down feeling doubt and afraid when you really feel you know your heart and mind. Do not try to veil the truth of your heart by giving it to another. If I can tell you one thing and one thing only... if you love one man, you can not find love with another no matter what you convince yourself. Do not repeat my mistakes.. in this one thing I know what I am talking about. In my hurt, anger, hate and intense love, I have tried to convince myself that I loved other men that were not your father. Do not lie like me. These are footsteps that I forbid you to follow. I hope you love a man like your father and I have loved each other. I hope you take better care of it than we have.

Life had to stop, I had to stop running from the pain. The last years have been good for me. Work and raising you has brought my life into perspective. I will not apologize for loving your father. I will not apologize for being unable to deny him. I will not feel guilty nor ashamed for loving one man for a great many years. I do apologize to the men I have hurt thinking I could. I apologize to you, Maximus and Madeline for letting you down even when you didn't know I did. Know that it will not happen again. Know that after many years I have grown up.

I will probably never have everything I want or be with the man I want to be with as companion and partner in life but I am proud of you, I love you and you have made the good side of me outshine anything I ever hoped to achieve.

Thank you for being my mine.

Mama.

I give up.

Why I was surprised is beyond me. Cruel to be cruel blindsided me. Why would I be outed when I have tried to be his friend and there was no purpose to put me in such a spot. It is not like he is waiting for me to drop to my knees begging to be his again and in honesty, my soul is burned out. I don't have the energy to kneel to a man again. It takes too much out of me and recovery takes forever.

Or maybe the problem is that I continue to care about people. It has been me approaching him, it has been me offering to help him, it has been me showing interest in him and his life as a friend. I was blind to the fact that he doesn't show these things back toward me and that should have been my first clue. Well, I thought he was back when he was at Destiny Point and brought me there to visit.

There I go thinking I am worth something again... my history proves otherwise.

I
give
up.

Status Quo

My days are good. Cabot Estates Winery thrives once more. Though the winery is not mine anymore, I have to do something to keep me busy. Aris sends word that all is well in Turmus.

A quiet routine as been settled into. I imagine if Max wanted me gone he would let me know but I really don't want to take the children from him and if I leave they will be going with me. The agreed upon time has come and gone but it is getting harder for me to let either he or I be without what matters most to us. And so I stay.

The gardens were always my favorite place when I lived here as Max's companion. Each afternoon I sit in quiet and daydream about anything and everything as the children work their studies or play in the fresh air and sunshine.

Oft I wonder of Trusk.. I hope he is healthy and whole. I do miss my guard very much, he was a good friend. Dawson.. there is a fine line between bitterness and wisdom of experience. On a good day I am fairly sure I have made it to the side of wisdom. On occasion a day of bitterness reigns. I hope giving me up was worth the prize he sought. I hope he is happy and prospering.

Max and I enjoy a quiet co-existance. We have come a long way over a great many years and have circled back to a pleasant place. At times he seems surprised that I am still here. I told him I would let him know if I left on business. For now the children are very happy with both of us available to them. And so it shall be for the time being.

Onward I Go

I have never been a woman to let grass grow under my feet for long. There is only so much I will take before my life is firmly taken into my control again. I steer my course. It is the way it has to be. Sometimes I sit and watch women in the commons, women that can't seem to accomplish a thing without a man to cling to. Their days seem put to finding a man rather than finding themselves. They wander aimlessly unless they have a man to follow. Then there are those women that will stand up and make sure the world knew they were here and that they made a contribution. I will be a woman of the latter group, thank you very much. Whether I ever have a Companion again or not, I will leave my mark on this world in the success of my wineries and the promise of my children's future. I "need" nothing more. That does not say that in time maybe I would "like" more.

Before I left I pressed a kiss to his sleeping brow. It was rushed and welcome. The connection just as deep as ever. I left our stolen time with a smile and the promise of more. This is a promise I shall keep. This is a promise that will bring me back to him time and again. For now, I need nothing more. This is something that I want.

I stood on the deck of "The Wandering Vine". She is a fine ocean worthy vessel. The slow trek down river was very pleasant. My destination Port Cos and to my family. Our reunion was another wonderful moment of my life. I have settled in and gotten into the routine of the childrens lessons. I left Aris with the winery unsure how Max would handle Aris in his house. However the children do ask about him and miss him very much. Aris has been a staple of their lives since birth. I hope to see Max soon, I understand he has been busy yet the days go quickly managing our brood.

Yes, this is the direction life should take. I am content to have things as they are. I will be seeking out a new City to build a second winery that will be mine. This time will be a City with an active population.

Return to Turmus

With Trusk's hasty departure, I had to book passage back to Turmus from Ar and that left only Nigel with me. Suddenly I was questioning being so far away from Aris but this time away from him was needed and too, I must do some things on my own and I know I am heavily dependent on him. He has been with me for a great many years.

Plainly, the journey was horrid. Conditions on the way home were a bit less than I have grown accustomed to but I had a chance to practice the patience I do not possess. Highly irritable by the time we pulled into Turmus it was Aris I saw first; before I knew it I was in his arms weeping against him. I suppose it is true, you can't run from emotions, they only wait for your return to the places you feel safe. So far I had been able to push off the pain by keeping busy and focusing on business, it was only a matter of time. The ride to the winery was talk about the winery and Aris said there was surprise waiting for me there. While he wouldn't tell me what it was, I know for a fleeting moment I knew what I wished it was but soon we were talking about the morning. I would have a good night sleep and we would meet over a long breakfast and a pile of papers. The bottling had gone well and I had an overflowing warehouse of case upon case of perfect wines!

I realized he was taking me the long away toward the house. The winery calmed me, soothed every travel ache and pain. I breathe well here. Surrounded by my success. I noticed he avoided the road to the stables which was the quickest route to the house. This brought me to ask, "Have you seen him?" He looked at me tenderly, he perhaps was amazed by how long it took me to ask but nudged me as the wagon came to a stop and pointed outward toward the river and grinned. "Surprise", He said.

I looked out toward the river and screamed. There she was! I was off the wagon and running toward the docks and stopped dead to look at my ship! I own a ship! My business will grow, I own a ship! Majestically she rocked softly with the river waves. A small crew I noticed worked on her. Aris came up beside me and said we had a Captain though he felt Trusk would have been better. I had to agree, I miss him and looked forward to the adventures that were to be had on this ship. However the crew was busy making minor changes or adding a shelf here or there. I came aboard to give my inspection. I got a few looks but looked right back. This was my gold I was standing on! I did have to take out a small loan on the property to finish paying for it but it will be worth it ten fold.

I went into my cabin and looked around. I remembered the teasing between Trusk and I. My saying that I would decorate with pretty colors and pretty things. He firmly told me no or the men would be in a riot in no time. Of course I planned on smuggling some things in. Once in my cabin, how would he have known? The smile faded for a moment but I let that moment pass. After well over an ahn of going through the entire ship I stepped out to the dock. We will christen her the first voyage out which will be down river toward Port Cos. I need to hug my children.

I stood for a long moment looking at her name boldy painted, "The Wandering Vine". The winery and the ship aptly named. It describes us all. I watch people that have known people forever, have thrived in the same place for so long. Such a longing there is in my heart to be like that. Settled, part of a community. Remembered.

Once back to the house, I finished up a few details with Aris and closed myself in my room. After a long hot bath and laid in my bed for ahns, restless and exhausted. Glad to be home even if now it meant dealing with the things I ran from.

The Exit of Trusk

Trusk came to me rather grim in mood. We sat and looked at each other for the longest time, I could see the tense flexing of his jaw, something he does when deep in thought or on the edge of anger. He looked at me and finally said that he had word that he was needed elsewhere, that he had some business that required his attention. I watched him for a time, seeing the look in his eyes, watching his carriage. Something was going to need his attention, I could see it clearly.

I hid the disappointment, it was so very hard to do. Perhaps he knows me well enough by now to know how deeply I will miss him. I tried to make light of it, asking that he come back when he found he had taken care of his business. Of course I got that smile. The press of his lips to veiled cheek brought my hand to lightly squeeze his. He has been a good friend beyond my guard. I had so wanted to see him step proudly onto the deck of that brand new ship he would Captain.

I made sure he had everything he could possibly need for his travels. A trunk brought to him to fill with his belongings and passage purchased for him to get to where he needed to go as quick as possible. Our last goodbye brought me tearful. It has been good to have a friend.

Trusk.. I wish you enough. My home will always be open to you. Tal and Safe Journeys, may the Priest Kings watch over you.

( To the mun of Trusk - Thank you for reminding me how nice people can be. You lifted my spirits without knowing it. Thank you for the smiles and the fun. I will miss you. If ever you want, I would love to hear from you. I wish you well! )

Silence

While a comfort level had been building between my guard and I, I was not prepared for the turn in his behavior, I suppose he feels he does this for my own good but really now, perhaps he doesn't think as high of me as I had thought. While it started out as an awkward moment to an all out war raging, I found his actions of ordering me about a bit to lofty considering I pay his wage and offer him comforts I do not have to offer. When his comment came at me about my fate, I told him that I had no fate but he seems to feel I walk a line between steel and robes. Well that is a given, that is my life, I have lived on both sides but where he got the idea I haphazzardly submitted to anyone just stunned me then brought about an anger I have not yet recovered from. Today I do not like him very much.

He asked good reason why I should not be in collar and flatly I told him because I don't want to be in one! No more will I love a man that much, no more will I offer my neck to any man. Riches and men in my life on my terms from now on. The slave is dead, end of discussion! Dawson cured me of that folly. I do not act in public as I should not.. veiled and gloved always and no one can say that I am one of those free women that would make better slaves. If I am a free woman, I am one to the core. If I am a slave, I am the one of the best around. Two completely different worlds to me.

After he hauled me out of my couch and dumped me in the tub, he took his way back to the tarn cot where he will be staying for our duration at this Inn. I have not seen him since and perhaps that is best, or perhaps he has disappeared like all the rest.

On a good note, my ship is ready and will be in Turmus within a few days.

Trusk

He is a man worth watching and I find I spend many an ehn doing just that. He is a thoughtful man, a man who thinks with a remarkable common sense. He is not quick to react but will weigh the word, the inflection and come to slow opinion with an intelligent or thought provoking answer. I find I speak to him as if defending myself on occasion and he never speaks to me in an accusatory style.. I know why I do this.. I would hate to see the look of disgust in his eyes should I cross a line with him. I realized this today when we walked along the trail the led above the pool. He asked me what I saw when I looked out at the forest, the rock face and the pool below. I answered that I saw great beauty. Certainly it was but his answer of what he saw was so much different. As he compared me to each bit of surrounding nature, in my mind I could see the faces of men in my past that the description would fit.

It is nice to be liked. I find I enjoy this man quite a bit. What I am finding is a man I can confide in and I care to do the same in return. A trust is forming. He has his requirements like gloves and veils which I always wear but it is his job to keep me safe and not have to risk his own life. So of course he would mention this. So far I have not angered him to badly and I will admit to testing him a bit on occasion. I can't help that, it is a natural instinct!

I like him so much.

Anxiously I await word of the completion of the ship. I am looking forward to the adventure even if I am not allowed to decorate my cabin the way I want!

In Memory of the Scribe

I told Trusk about the news I read in the paper about the death of Lucian. He took the news quietly and that seemed to break the ice to speak on the Scribe. A conversation not avoided persay, but a conversation not yet had. I asked him if Luc had told him of our past and yes, he had. Trusk had curbed what he would say in respect to Lucian but he did listen to me speak on the past. The scribe had taken a damaged creature and showed her she had something good inside so very long ago. I grew as a person with him but I have the knack of picking men short on patience and attention span. It was a good time in my life and I have never regretted it.

I laid awake staring at dark ceiling, a trip through the memories. He made an impact on my life and I hope I brought some sort of lasting memory to his. The moody Scribe in crumpled clothing, scruffed down in a curled half sit laying position, scowling in thought. That was the first glimpse I had of him. I approached him full of that Port Karian fire that their women are known for. Two personalities not even close in compatability but we seemed to give each other something we needed. He was a good owner and he brought the better of me outward.

Tal, Lucian Simon, Scribe of Ar and Port Kar. I thank you for the time we had, please be well..

The Return of Trusk

I was sitting by the fire sipping tea in the main room of the Inn. Lost in thought, reliving every moment of that wonderful visit with my family, I heard the heavy foot steps and Trusk slapping his hand down onto the counter, insistance that the Keep appear. When I looked over seeing him have that one fur in a strangle hold, I decided it was time to retreat upstairs to my room and headed that way rather quickly. That blasted Keep looked directly at me as the reason to why he was back to one rather mangy looking fur. The bellow of my name, full name mind you, halted me on the steps and a turn with charming smile as I faced the rather irate man. He did have me a bit nervous.

His inquiry to my actions brought cool answers that since he was not sleeping in them, certainly he didn't need the extra furs and it was then that he captured my wrist and lead me to the tarn cot to meet the conditions he sleeps in at night to ensure I had the last room of the Inn. The clench of his jaw was enough to keep my tongue in check and once out to the tarn cot I found myself sticking close to him as it was smelly, cold, very dark and quite frightening. I asked if there were tarns in there and he said yes, there were. I waited for one to attack or something while being taught what he volunteered to do for my benefit by sleeping out there. I felt bad for him and now knew why he usually smelled like he needed a bath. I relented, more furs for him and I insisted we go speak to the Keep to find a better arrangement. I am not sure why I was being so nice..

Anyway, a new arrangement made. After seeing his irritation, I have now reconsidered the dock of pay and will not do what I had planned. He had his work cut out for him. He has to outfit the ship. He mentioned in his most recent missive while he traveled that he would be hiring free men instead of buying slaves. Their pay will be handed out as the shipments are delivered. That way I am not out a chunk of coin and a crew that disappeared.

I think he will make a fine Captain.

I laid awake for some time after my hot bath and a deep snuggle into my warm furs. Listening to the sounds of the Inn. Thinking of Dawson. Dawson, I think of him quite often but try to suppress the hurt and anger. I am injured inside and have retreated to heal. I felt so separate from his life, not really part of everything he was. I found that gap so difficult to understand. I do not feel we are finished, only time will tell. I have changed so much in the last several hands. I think I will blame that on Trusk. I have calmed and have a positive outlook and I am willing to take things as they may. He has been very good for me.

I must remember to tell Trusk about the Scribe. I was reading the paper and see he has passed on to the Cities of Dust. For a moment that brought a sadness in my heart. While it had been many years since I had been his, he had taught me a few things about myself that I have not forgotten. Time with him was good while it lasted. I hadn't seen him for some time and had wondered how he faired at Destiny Point. Trusk told me Lucian had traveled to Ar. I hope he is at peace, he was a discontented soul. Fondly Lucian, I wish you well.

Port Cos

Trusk went to Tharna to deal with some business so that left me some free time. The ship should be finished by the end of the hand. I am rather excited about the prospect of travel and exploration.

The few days I had sent me to Port Cos to see my children. The reunion was incredible and I found myself buried in a pile of children, happily hugging and kissing each, inspecting each for grooming and grilling them on their studies. They seem just as happy with Max as they were with me so some of the anxiety has melted away but nothing can take away the hole left in my life without them there with me. Maximillian too has benefited from his sisters and brothers in the same house with him. He is a wonderful child and while I was respectful of his mothers place, I had plenty of love and hugs for him too. The four of them soothed troubled soul.

Max could see there was much on my mind. I wonder if he realizes how many years we have been in each others lives. We have found a contentment in each other. There is a new honesty between us that marks us forever together even if we will probably be apart. The love for him has never faded but time marches on, things change and lives take different paths. I know he feels the same for me and the few days in Port Cos were truly remarkable and peaceful. Ah Maximus, love of my life. Never will the first time we set eyes on each other be forgotten. All the hurt of prior years has worked its way to oblivion yet that moment is still there. Perhaps I have grown up, mellowed.. something.

The last say there each child had several ahns of alone time with me so that I could catch up on every moment of their lives and to play or talk with them depending the age. Maxine my brooding young girl on the threshold of womanhood. I worry over her at times. She is very intelligent as is showing in her studies. It won't be too many more years before Max is fighting off suitors and he will be. She is very beautiful. My young warrior, Maximus. He is at that awkward age where he is very serious about being a warrior. Proper and circumspect, treating me like a free woman, not his mother. But then there is a side that will show, a young boy needing to be held and nurtured by his mother. I have to smile in those moments and enjoy them because soon they will be gone. He misses Aris but that is understandable. A bound had been found between the two. Aris has been part of the children's life since they were very young. I do hope young Max didn't inherit the roving eye of his father. My sweet little Madeline. She is much better than I thought she would be without me. She did get teary telling me of her first few days but she has a spirit unlike the other two. She is fun loving and resilient and still so needful of both her parents. Once I had time with each, the entire family had time together. The four children so fun to watch and even Max with that proud father like smile. In the course of my travels once the ship arrives, Port Cos will be a regular port of call. While I know we can't be together right now, I need them. They sooth something untameable in me.. being a mother was the one thing I did right.

Once back to the Inn I spoke to the Inn Keep and had the extra furs I had put to the tarn cot for Trusk taken back. He was not yet back so I was sure he would not need them, why pay the coin for them. Too, I am considering docking his pay for the days he is gone, pay he already has!

Yes, I have missed the man these last days and I hope he will return soon.

Dark of Night

It was the Inn that I blamed my inability to sleep. All the noise, the footsteps of boots across the tems. I wondered a few times if they sounded like the walk of Trusk. In reality it was my body that was intent on keeping me awake. Again I have to quell the belly and the urges like I did many years ago when Max first left. By the time Akil met me I had become a woman terrified of touch and he forced his way through the high walls I put up and gave me a place to be what I was. Meeting up with Dawson again was the undoing of the heat let out. Now he is gone and his intensive training of the last hands must be reversed and I must put my body at rest and to a dormant stage again. It is so hard with the heart connected to each part of my flesh. It will be my will that must break the chain.

The night tossed and turned away. My thoughts to Trusk. I saw him briefly from my window as he came back to the Inn. The last conversation we had bringing a newborn hope. I am trying to have a strong outlook, forward movement. Seeking the future like he has urged me to do. Still, the darkness will come and go as the emotions run their course and settle into something liveable. He is understanding and strong. I am grateful for his presence in my life. I hope he feels the same about mine.

A Man Called Trusk

It is funny how things happen. The night I met Trusk the first time, he was treading water in the Vosk river off the shore of Destiny Point. It was the night that I visited there with Lucian. Here was a man who kept me in conversation about the winery and seemed to enjoy speaking business with me and I remember leaving there with a smile and hoping I would see him again. I don't often get a chance to talk about anything and everything. It was quite some time before I ran into him again and now he is my guard.

The timing is perfect. I think it is best that Aris and I have some time apart. In a sense I have run away from home. I can not be there right now and traveling with Trusk seems to let me free my spirit a bit and enjoy it. I have not heard from Max yet so patiently wait for word of a visit with the children but in the meantime I am taking life with fresh approach. Today I am going to find someplace where I can swim. For no other reason but that I want to.

I am very relaxed with him and perhaps it is because I told him the truth from the start. I have nothing to hide and he knows I suffer and am going through a healing process. I find I like him very much. To laugh and chatter, to be talked back to is like a gift. Feeling safe and protected is a plus. The playful woman has not been allowed out in so long that I feel like I act so silly at times but I feel it is very good for me to spread my wings and let myself be as I am.

He took a space in the tarn cot of the Inn to make sure I had a room. I feel so bad that he is out there in the cold so have made sure that the Inn Keeper has extra furs and anything he needs sent to him.

I left him a note with the Inn Keeper last night letting him know that he will soon be Captain of a new ship. "The Wandering Vine" will be finished in about a hand. I am so very excited! Losing such a large percentage of the winery will make this purchase a bit more tight than I hoped. While I am in no threat of the winery suffering for the depletion of cash, still I will not have Aris owning any part of that ship. It will come from my fifty-five percent of the winery. Dawson was a little too generous with what is MINE!

Risk and Regret

I am a free woman now. Aris now owns a portion of my winery and he is kept at a distance from me. Now that he has such a percentage, he can well do the work.


In an effort to show that I was independent I insulted Dawson to the point that he released me. What an error in judgement this was on my part, a regrettable moment that I was trying to be pleasing. The times I have approached him in public, he has acted cool or sent me away so in my thinking I thought to not approach him because I really thought that was what he wanted. The timing of all of this leads me to believe this is more than it is.

He said it himself, from his own lips.. "She is bred and has been given too many freedoms." He did the same thing, he joined the ranks of men he has scoffed at since I have known him. How disappointing he is. I am his prize, his beast, his devoted slave, that can not change just because he says so. I know in my heart I am all of these things. I remember his words from him telling me he would always love me. Dawson does not lie. If I am all of these things to him, why does he not put me beneath his collar and whip and teach me what he has scoffed at all this time? Put up or shut up comes to mind.


I submitted myself to him upon a public path. Without care or thought of anything but him and my place at his feet I stripped and begged him to teach me the error of my ways. He stepped over this woman he loves, the woman he called his prize without care or taking responsibility for what he has created in this woman. One more owner among the many of this planet that doesn't take care of what is his.


Yes, I am angry. I am there for the long haul.. I submit myself to anything he can do to me. I am the stronger.


Yes, I am enraged.


I sat down with Trusk and I told him exactly what I had done today. I told him everything. I told him that I stripped and submitted to be walked away from. I will not lie to the man and let him find out by gossip. I will not lead anyone to believe anything but exactly what I am. One more discarded slave .. a sickness in this society that really isn't this way. Yet, I am a free woman. It was a risk, yet another of a black day in my life. He could have collared me. He had every right to put me in a collar. He did not. He thanked me for the truth and realizes that he might some day find me at the feet of Dawson in a collar. Perhaps he is more optomistic than I but he was kind. He listened and lent me a shoulder to cry on and put me in motion to a future. I am buying a ship for him to Captain to move the wines around and other cargo. While it all sounds grand and will be once I accept what I am given for this so called life .. inside is a dark place. I am sick into my soul.


To mark the worst day in my life I took the dagger that I had purchased for Dawson. It was a gift marking the two years since we were drawn together after all those years past when he first saw me with Jaren and knew I would be his one day. The knife cut deep into the mark Akil put there.. it bled profusely and for a time I let it bleed, to feel the pain of this day, to never forget the worst mistake of mine to date. Over this "A" is cut deep with a "D". Yes, that will probably anger him too but I am a free woman now............aren't I.

More Surprises

When on my way back from shopping I came upon Dawson who looked extremely angry at me. I thought to do a nice thing for Aris by giving him some time off. I know Dawson pays him now but did not realize Dawson has been paying my other guards as well. He is furious and said Claudus would be killed. Well, perhaps I didn't care at first but I really hope he doesn't have to die... he is just not as good as Aris is at his job. While I know I will have to deal with his anger, in a way it is reassuring ..

I wonder if I dare give him the gift I bought him. I wanted to mark the two en'vars.. ah well.

I did as Dawson told me, I went straight back home. I didn't disturb Aris.. he needs some time off and time to enjoy some personal time.

Normalcy

He is home from traveling! Aris brought Dawson up to speed on the work Aris and I did this past hand. I need to find several things.. a ship builder and a kaiila breeder. I will be getting a couple of the beasts for Aris. For this addition I will need to expand the stables to house them. I will meet with a builder this hand to see about starting construction before the winery gets busy.

It was good to see him, I have missed him greatly this past hand.

The Longest Hand Ever..

While I have been extremely busy this hand, still it seems to drag on by as I impatiently try to patiently wait for his return from business. I am rather excited to show him the progress Aris and I have made this week and wonder if he will feel there was progress made.. You can never tell with him.

We have been up at dawn and to bed late. It keeps me busy so I don't get too weepy over the absense of my darling brood. I am fixing a package to send to them with a note telling them I will be coming to see them soon.

I love the vineyard at this time of year.. the air is cold, wilds a bit aggressive from the river. A quiet about the land as it rests and gains strength for the next growing season. The cask makers have been busy and working over time. Aris has been seeing to their bonus for their time put in. All in all, things are running smoothly.

A Project

After Dawson left, Aris and I worked on a project before I had the chance to walk the property and see a bit more of this stable. Dawson will be traveling and so he has set to keep me busy, Aris and I are to work together. The winery is quiet right now. The harvest is in, bottling the seasoned wines won't be for another few hands so the property is quiet right now. Many of the field hands have gone home to their families.

I explored the stable more. The lower level is used for cask building and storage, the upper level sits empty and unused. It seems my guard enjoys training kaiila, perhaps I ought to get him a few to keep him busy. He and Dawson seem to put their heads together quite often. ::smirk::

Each stall explored, it was just a stable but a place that will have meaning to me for some time to come.

It is amazing what good changes can take place when the need before them is much more stronger than the fear. The fears melt away, the confidence blossoms.

Welcome home, Bela.

Peace and Loneliness

I miss my children terribly. On many occasions I will grow weepy over the emptiness of the house. It is the quiet time of the vineyard so the work is not enough to fully absorb me. I haven't heard from Max with a report of how they are doing. I worry over Madeline, I am concerned that young Max me feel a bit lost without Aris. Regarding Maxine, I am concerned for Max having to deal with her moodiness of puberty or perhaps I should enjoy that he is getting his own taste of it!

I have not seen or heard from Lucian in quite a while. Perhaps he has no interest in me visiting Destiny Point any longer. I am not sure what to make of what we are when we speak. At times it feels odd. With Dawson I know exactly what he sees when he looks at me. Perhaps that is the confusion with the Scribe. I do not know what he sees when he looks at me while we speak. I probably will never know, his absense is noted.

I am not sure what status the trip to Bazi is in right now. I have not the chance to speak to Dawson yet he is never far away from me. I am ready.

The side that does not miss her children is very much at peace and rather enjoying this new bit of what life has to offer.

I have been invited to a picnic and await to hear from Chimene on when it is. It is something I am looking forward to.

Continued Changes

It was a moment hard to describe. We had been here once before... Me so quiet, he concentrating and my following the lead with a hushed silence yet so much more was beneath the surface. While I was full of questions and chatter, I didn't give into these urges in more of a need to observe him and the surroundings, the gate that led to this quiet spot. The icey cold water of the fountain.

Yes, it is hard to describe, the exchange by energy.. words didn't need to represent a thing.

I did not tell him .. I went home to an empty house. Two nights prior Max and I agreed that he would take the children for a two month trial period. Already I count the days and I find I worry over our youngest, my sweet Madeline.. is she lonely, is she doing alright without me? She seemed excited about the trip but the last look back at me as she bravely boarded the ship showed she was a bit frightened. I am sure she is fine.. I wonder if I will be. It was time for this day to come, I am just not sure I am ready..

Max's arrival put off the trip to Destiny Point for a bit, I had planned to go there before I left for Bazi but now there will not be time.

Overnight Guest

Maximus arrived with Maximillian bearing gifts for the three children. The reunion was heart warming and filled with laughter. The four children soon with their heads together playing games. Each child so unique and different. Maxine our oldest growing into a young woman, young Maximus greeting his father man to man yet such a young boy hugging his father so tight, Madeline who is so full of energy and interest in anything the others are doing, and Maximillian, a young man so comfortable with his brothers and sisters that you would not think they lived in separate homes. I have to say I enjoyed the evening very much.

Once the children were rapt in their games, I took the opportunity to talk to Max. Something that has been on my mind for a very long time.. something I feel is the right thing to do for the four children more than anyone else needed to be discussed. I have asked if he would like to try a trial period of having our three go to Port Cos with he and Maximillian. Of course this was met with suspician and I could feel Max trying to figure out what I was up to or hiding, as the case may be. He questioned me about Jula, why I left, and what happened between me and Akil. I told him pretty much what happened. Our home had grown quiet and Dawson, whom I had known a great many years before, challenged me to live life and so I did. I suppose Max saw a little bit through the vagueness but what is there to tell. Life is not about enduring it but living it and I have finally stopped waiting for Max. I suppose part of me will always have wished it had turned out differently but at the same time.. living on hope has become very old. I am inspired and my focus held strongly in a different direction. Max said he should pull me over his knee and spank me for my elusiveness and that may have brought a blush to my cheeks and thankfully we didn't have to experience the surprise on his face. He agreed to take the children for two months to start and see how it goes... I am very hesitant, nervous as well but this is for my children, not me. They need to know the City that is theirs, the home that is theirs.. their father and their brother. My greatest fear all along of letting them go was that they would be taught that I am less than their mother. Being their mother is the one thing I have done well, that is one thing I will not have taken away from me.. I have been a good mother. It is time I trust Max to remind them of that on occasion and to not allow our children ever to think less of me. A hard decision but it is done and it will be good for them to have experiences away from home. I have full invitation to come to Port Cos at any time and see them.

It grew late, Max was given a room to stay in and Maximillian stayed in young Maximus' room. I imagine the two boys were up half the night goofing off. Max and I have become so civilized yet I will say that Aris was a bit more protective of the door of my chambers during the night. Aris and Max will probably never mend their fences.

Counsel

I realize that I have no women friends in which to confide or disinterested parties in which could listen without some sort of investment in the outcome. For a long time I have been mulling something over but have been afraid to let the words be heard, afraid it would put the action into motion when I am not sure I am ready for this yet. I took a leap of faith and confided in someone I feared the most to tell these thoughts to. I feel better saying it and facing that I have these thoughts and the guilt that comes along with it. My focus was redirected for me, my view skewed to remember two things. I left this meeting barely able to breath but such a feeling of calm and peace.

Later I saw Lucian at the springs. The trip to KoRoBa is off but I have been invited to Destiny Point to visit. Perhaps I will take him up on that since it is not that far down river. Much like Port Cos yet Max seems to keep getting lost on the short journey. I wait patiently to speak to Max.

Once home I asked to meet with Aris. I am told I can trust him yet I do find I watch him like a herlit, timing him to see if he has the time to sneak off and take meetings with Dawson. He did this before. So far I think he is on the up and up. I brought to him a request that surprised him or perhaps did not surprise him at all. I almost regretted making him part of this but he managed to accept my request and help me. I do not know what has come over me, I am driven to succeed.

Gift of Clarity

I am not sure how it came to pass .. while part of me wants to question this change, it is best that I focus on taking care of what I have been given. And I am. I am not sure what changed in me to be so accepting and so willing. Maybe I am finally understanding that I have nothing to prove .. all I have to do is to be me, to let go and allow myself to be me.

The other day I was given the greatest of gifts. Connection, kind words, a union of emotion. No hashing out a past. I think it may have been the single most perfect moment in my life. It is a moment that I will not soon forget and one that will be cherished for quite some time to come.

I know who I am, I understand my purpose and I will learn to be everything I can be.

History

I had the opportunity to introduce Dawson and Maximus. I have to say it was a civil experience, much unlike Akil meeting each of the two men. I am rather sure the only thing they might disagree on is Aris. Dawson and Aris have a great respect for one another and Max and Aris would prefer to kill each other than look at each other.

Lucian came along a bit later and I found myself in the most interesting of positions. I was surrounded by three of the four men that have had the most influence in my life. Each of them so very different, each of them having great impact on me as a person. Lucian had to find out in the most unkind ways that Sekret had been claimed by another. I was there when the two first came together in a claimed arrangement for many reasons. Two friends becoming one. They have a lot of time together. Later I found him to make sure he was doing well. It is not like I can do a thing to ease that discomfort, only time can do that but I was there. How odd our relationship is now. Once upon a time I was the most beautiful of women at his feet. He always made me feel that way.

Maximus, my Maximus. I had waited for so long for that man to come to his senses and realize we belonged together. Time marches on. His actions are a little backward and for the wrong reasons. His pulling me to his lap might have meant something had we been alone and it was me that this action was meant for. Glaringly obvious that it was for the the others there, a possessive motion. That has been the one consistent thing about him in all the years I have known him. Too bad he never did these things for me but an audience. He seemed puzzled that I would not wiggle on his lap like a robed slut, something I will not do. Soon a woman came along that snagged his attention. I had to chuckle, Maximus will never change. I imagine he met up with her later. Such a charmer that man is.........

Dawson seemed to know the woman too, there seemed a tension between the three.. what a small world it is sometimes.

The Scribe

I had settled to a bench at the springs to enjoy some time away from work. It took me a moment to realize that a man there I knew very well, or had known many years ago. It was his voice that drew my attention, my gaze settled on him in pleasant surprise. Lucian Simon, the Scribe that took me to Port Kar. A man that seemed so reserved to my outward brazenness and boldness. He had surprised me and had been one of the more happier times in my life.

It was very different speaking to him as free man to free woman and not Master to slave. Now I am the one reserved in manner, it is now expected of me, I have never taken my freedom for granted and have never allowed it to give me permission to behave loosely. I suppose a conflicting statement for a woman born into slavery. As a free woman I subdue those urges as expected of me and as Lucian reminded me.. I was always the consummate actress and had an ease in pretending things didn't bother me when really they did.

I thanked him for being the owner he was to me, this may have surprised him. At the time I knew I was very lucky to have an owner like him. He had always engaged my mind alongside his training of me. The trip to Schendi not forgotten, the apartment above his office where many ahns were spent helping him still remembered fondly.

He is different now but not so different.

He invited me with him to Destiny Point. The company of another man and woman there made for an enjoyable eveing. A pleasant evening spent there and our goodnights so formal and proper. It was a restless night spent in the room given to me for the night. Once on my way in the morning, Turmus not far down river, a rented skiff posed a quick way home and a beautiful day to enjoy on the water.

I have no idea how I feel about anything anymore. Have I become so skilled at pretending I am never bothered that I have convinced myself of this as well? Dawson's presence is so huge and in my field of vision, I feel I see nothing clearly at all right now. The Scribe as well unsettling the dust of a better time in life.

As I said to Lucian. Perhaps someday I will be what I really am.

Someday.

Changes

Aris has been fired as my guard. While he has not left the cottage and vineyard, I am rather adept at not seeing him. No longer could I look at him and not feel the pang of loneliness in my heart that he reminds me is there for his "silent partner". Forgiveness is not forthcoming to my traitor of a guard to the payroll of Dawson. I allow him to stay for the children, they see him as a parental figure and he takes very good care of them. Young Maximus is doing well with his warrior training. Many times he has caught me at my desk staring off into space. Once he commented that he knew where I was in spirit if not in body. That was the day he was banished from speaking to me again.

Claudus has taken Aris' place, he has beneath him Jarid and Pethdor.

I have some weighty decisions to make but I seem to have to tangle with my greatest flaw... indecision.

Relief and Regret

A Chapter ends.. I am not surprised, but I regret that it could not find a happy ending in this chapter I had so much hope for. I should come with a warning label stating flat out that everything that goes wrong is 100% my fault, no one elses, only mine. No one need share in the blame of failure with me around. *smirk* I buckled under the pressure.. the weight of the world brought me down. I am relieved and released from the stress of feeling under fire and defensive to a long past. I regret that I lost a friend in trying to make this work. I had misgivings and should have opted to save the friendship instead of the path traveled. Be well, you will be missed.

Again I am free. It suits me fine in most ways, I can see my children and have a grand reunion. I am not sure what to do about Aris right now.. I view him as a traitor to my best interests, he is not yet fired but he is not the guard that will be at my side any time soon.

I am not sure if I can face the Masked man of the cliffs.. I care very much what he thinks of me. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

It is time I am just Bela, free or slave.. simply Bela and nothing but Bela.

Done.

The Cliffs Again

I roam more now than I ever did. Again I saw the masked Master and I was delighted to see him and he brought me a treat! His new girl baked for him and he thought to bring a bit along with him. I spent a bit of time in service to him and he sent me to serve a haughty free woman that seemed more eager to be at a mans feet than any woman I have seen yet. Her attitude and over the edge rebelliousness I am sure got her just what she wanted. Pointedly she asked me if I preferred to be at the feet of men and pointed out the Master Mateo.. of course, I could not lie and told her that yes, it is at his feet I would prefer to be. She sent me off with a smirk and I could see plainly her jealousy that it was I that allowed to kneel there.

Soon after he was leaving to attend some business.. she must of whispered something to him as she passed, she spurred his anger to be sure. He protests his hatred of free women quite vocally but enjoys it just the same.. Men, go figure.

The winery if flourishing but of course, it would be.

The Masked Man

How bold was I tonight. I think it was the way he looked at me at first. His gaze on me made me think about my posture and I did preen a slight for his continued attention. A man on kaiila and a mask worn. I know what he is, I lived with the Tuchuks a time back when Trajen and another took me from the arena. I crept toward him and soon found myself lost in conversation with him. Before I knew it an ahn had gone by and I was still rapt and he with ease seemed to know things about me. A beauty was called to him, he looked at her and knew she would be his slave. She is a barbarian with pale features, dark hair and pretty slanted eyes.

I took my leave to offer them some privacy. I have been invited to visit with him again and I do look forward to doing so. A little giddy from the kiss he took from me, leashed, I was led down the hill. I have become so introverted and reclusive.. I have no idea what inspired my boldness but for a while tonight I was comfortable in my own skin.

Reminders

I bathed a man not my Master nor my Companion. While I felt comfortable in the bath with him, I realized that it had been quite some time since I had been in this situation and this vulnerable to a man I do not know. I was allowed to speak, I have become so introverted over the years. Perhaps a woman in hiding would be that way. Conversation was pleasant, the High Jarl is a nice man and while he was expectant that I would take care of him as he expected, I enjoyed the time. Perhaps I garnered a good word to my Master as now I am back in my world of silence and she-sleen.

I imagine I must be amusing to men such as him, body responsive and mind so prudish. I have watched other free women over time and listened to conversations of other veiled women. In my efforts to keep myself free I became so rigid. Bred for heat and the facade of cool to keep my lovely neck free of metal ring. I suppose I have taken that to the opposite extreme but I am proud of the fact that in freedom, I was not a common slut.

There is much challenge ahead of me and changes as I learn the return to me. I rise in the morning placing my focus on what must be done in the day, letting the rest take care of itself.

Trip to Hunjer

I was taken to a place called Hunjer to visit with Master. It has been a great many years since I have been to the north, I remember living there for a time when Jaren left to live there.. right after I had my Master in fact. When Jaren died, Jarl Bruule took me as his to care for me. It was then that I met Maximus.

The High Jarl and his intended Lady seem very nice. I would enjoy their company if still free. I did end up moving crates around and scrubbing the kitchen floor and other chores as well. I met a curious little animal that batted at my hair as it dragged on the floor, it is rather cute. When I reached out to pet it, I realized that I have been so lonely for such a very long time. Amazing that a small animal can teach that. I found myself wanting to cry but I didn't dare as I might displease. It is very important to me to please my Master and his friends.

I am not sure if it is Master that has changed or if it is me.. perhaps we both have since we parted ways. I must find myself and grow comfortable in my skin while making sure that I do not faulter in my service. I try not to miss my children too much but it is very hard.

Shy new slave

While the turn of my thinking will take some work, my body is being taught once again what it was born to be. I must confess that I am sore and my muscles ache.. it has been many... years? since I have laid beneath a man. Akil was never gentle with me but it has been since with him that I have serviced a mans body. Master sat back sending me off to seduce Aris, in some ways I feel like a shy new slave.. I remember those days as a teen, newly into my blossoming body put to the task of seducing the men of the slaving house, working on my skills. Becoming a free woman had changed the direction of my thoughts and what was once like breathing to me is now leaving me clumsy and careful. Once upon a time I would go for a man's laces without a hesitation or thought, the cuff or push away always worth the risk. I approach the men like a free woman now.. careful, hesitant, waiting to be allowed to be that way. I have much to relearn. I felt like I was more my old self when first with Master.. was I or am I imagining it?