Dark of Night

It was the Inn that I blamed my inability to sleep. All the noise, the footsteps of boots across the tems. I wondered a few times if they sounded like the walk of Trusk. In reality it was my body that was intent on keeping me awake. Again I have to quell the belly and the urges like I did many years ago when Max first left. By the time Akil met me I had become a woman terrified of touch and he forced his way through the high walls I put up and gave me a place to be what I was. Meeting up with Dawson again was the undoing of the heat let out. Now he is gone and his intensive training of the last hands must be reversed and I must put my body at rest and to a dormant stage again. It is so hard with the heart connected to each part of my flesh. It will be my will that must break the chain.

The night tossed and turned away. My thoughts to Trusk. I saw him briefly from my window as he came back to the Inn. The last conversation we had bringing a newborn hope. I am trying to have a strong outlook, forward movement. Seeking the future like he has urged me to do. Still, the darkness will come and go as the emotions run their course and settle into something liveable. He is understanding and strong. I am grateful for his presence in my life. I hope he feels the same about mine.

A Man Called Trusk

It is funny how things happen. The night I met Trusk the first time, he was treading water in the Vosk river off the shore of Destiny Point. It was the night that I visited there with Lucian. Here was a man who kept me in conversation about the winery and seemed to enjoy speaking business with me and I remember leaving there with a smile and hoping I would see him again. I don't often get a chance to talk about anything and everything. It was quite some time before I ran into him again and now he is my guard.

The timing is perfect. I think it is best that Aris and I have some time apart. In a sense I have run away from home. I can not be there right now and traveling with Trusk seems to let me free my spirit a bit and enjoy it. I have not heard from Max yet so patiently wait for word of a visit with the children but in the meantime I am taking life with fresh approach. Today I am going to find someplace where I can swim. For no other reason but that I want to.

I am very relaxed with him and perhaps it is because I told him the truth from the start. I have nothing to hide and he knows I suffer and am going through a healing process. I find I like him very much. To laugh and chatter, to be talked back to is like a gift. Feeling safe and protected is a plus. The playful woman has not been allowed out in so long that I feel like I act so silly at times but I feel it is very good for me to spread my wings and let myself be as I am.

He took a space in the tarn cot of the Inn to make sure I had a room. I feel so bad that he is out there in the cold so have made sure that the Inn Keeper has extra furs and anything he needs sent to him.

I left him a note with the Inn Keeper last night letting him know that he will soon be Captain of a new ship. "The Wandering Vine" will be finished in about a hand. I am so very excited! Losing such a large percentage of the winery will make this purchase a bit more tight than I hoped. While I am in no threat of the winery suffering for the depletion of cash, still I will not have Aris owning any part of that ship. It will come from my fifty-five percent of the winery. Dawson was a little too generous with what is MINE!

Risk and Regret

I am a free woman now. Aris now owns a portion of my winery and he is kept at a distance from me. Now that he has such a percentage, he can well do the work.


In an effort to show that I was independent I insulted Dawson to the point that he released me. What an error in judgement this was on my part, a regrettable moment that I was trying to be pleasing. The times I have approached him in public, he has acted cool or sent me away so in my thinking I thought to not approach him because I really thought that was what he wanted. The timing of all of this leads me to believe this is more than it is.

He said it himself, from his own lips.. "She is bred and has been given too many freedoms." He did the same thing, he joined the ranks of men he has scoffed at since I have known him. How disappointing he is. I am his prize, his beast, his devoted slave, that can not change just because he says so. I know in my heart I am all of these things. I remember his words from him telling me he would always love me. Dawson does not lie. If I am all of these things to him, why does he not put me beneath his collar and whip and teach me what he has scoffed at all this time? Put up or shut up comes to mind.


I submitted myself to him upon a public path. Without care or thought of anything but him and my place at his feet I stripped and begged him to teach me the error of my ways. He stepped over this woman he loves, the woman he called his prize without care or taking responsibility for what he has created in this woman. One more owner among the many of this planet that doesn't take care of what is his.


Yes, I am angry. I am there for the long haul.. I submit myself to anything he can do to me. I am the stronger.


Yes, I am enraged.


I sat down with Trusk and I told him exactly what I had done today. I told him everything. I told him that I stripped and submitted to be walked away from. I will not lie to the man and let him find out by gossip. I will not lead anyone to believe anything but exactly what I am. One more discarded slave .. a sickness in this society that really isn't this way. Yet, I am a free woman. It was a risk, yet another of a black day in my life. He could have collared me. He had every right to put me in a collar. He did not. He thanked me for the truth and realizes that he might some day find me at the feet of Dawson in a collar. Perhaps he is more optomistic than I but he was kind. He listened and lent me a shoulder to cry on and put me in motion to a future. I am buying a ship for him to Captain to move the wines around and other cargo. While it all sounds grand and will be once I accept what I am given for this so called life .. inside is a dark place. I am sick into my soul.


To mark the worst day in my life I took the dagger that I had purchased for Dawson. It was a gift marking the two years since we were drawn together after all those years past when he first saw me with Jaren and knew I would be his one day. The knife cut deep into the mark Akil put there.. it bled profusely and for a time I let it bleed, to feel the pain of this day, to never forget the worst mistake of mine to date. Over this "A" is cut deep with a "D". Yes, that will probably anger him too but I am a free woman now............aren't I.

More Surprises

When on my way back from shopping I came upon Dawson who looked extremely angry at me. I thought to do a nice thing for Aris by giving him some time off. I know Dawson pays him now but did not realize Dawson has been paying my other guards as well. He is furious and said Claudus would be killed. Well, perhaps I didn't care at first but I really hope he doesn't have to die... he is just not as good as Aris is at his job. While I know I will have to deal with his anger, in a way it is reassuring ..

I wonder if I dare give him the gift I bought him. I wanted to mark the two en'vars.. ah well.

I did as Dawson told me, I went straight back home. I didn't disturb Aris.. he needs some time off and time to enjoy some personal time.

Normalcy

He is home from traveling! Aris brought Dawson up to speed on the work Aris and I did this past hand. I need to find several things.. a ship builder and a kaiila breeder. I will be getting a couple of the beasts for Aris. For this addition I will need to expand the stables to house them. I will meet with a builder this hand to see about starting construction before the winery gets busy.

It was good to see him, I have missed him greatly this past hand.

The Longest Hand Ever..

While I have been extremely busy this hand, still it seems to drag on by as I impatiently try to patiently wait for his return from business. I am rather excited to show him the progress Aris and I have made this week and wonder if he will feel there was progress made.. You can never tell with him.

We have been up at dawn and to bed late. It keeps me busy so I don't get too weepy over the absense of my darling brood. I am fixing a package to send to them with a note telling them I will be coming to see them soon.

I love the vineyard at this time of year.. the air is cold, wilds a bit aggressive from the river. A quiet about the land as it rests and gains strength for the next growing season. The cask makers have been busy and working over time. Aris has been seeing to their bonus for their time put in. All in all, things are running smoothly.

A Project

After Dawson left, Aris and I worked on a project before I had the chance to walk the property and see a bit more of this stable. Dawson will be traveling and so he has set to keep me busy, Aris and I are to work together. The winery is quiet right now. The harvest is in, bottling the seasoned wines won't be for another few hands so the property is quiet right now. Many of the field hands have gone home to their families.

I explored the stable more. The lower level is used for cask building and storage, the upper level sits empty and unused. It seems my guard enjoys training kaiila, perhaps I ought to get him a few to keep him busy. He and Dawson seem to put their heads together quite often. ::smirk::

Each stall explored, it was just a stable but a place that will have meaning to me for some time to come.

It is amazing what good changes can take place when the need before them is much more stronger than the fear. The fears melt away, the confidence blossoms.

Welcome home, Bela.

Peace and Loneliness

I miss my children terribly. On many occasions I will grow weepy over the emptiness of the house. It is the quiet time of the vineyard so the work is not enough to fully absorb me. I haven't heard from Max with a report of how they are doing. I worry over Madeline, I am concerned that young Max me feel a bit lost without Aris. Regarding Maxine, I am concerned for Max having to deal with her moodiness of puberty or perhaps I should enjoy that he is getting his own taste of it!

I have not seen or heard from Lucian in quite a while. Perhaps he has no interest in me visiting Destiny Point any longer. I am not sure what to make of what we are when we speak. At times it feels odd. With Dawson I know exactly what he sees when he looks at me. Perhaps that is the confusion with the Scribe. I do not know what he sees when he looks at me while we speak. I probably will never know, his absense is noted.

I am not sure what status the trip to Bazi is in right now. I have not the chance to speak to Dawson yet he is never far away from me. I am ready.

The side that does not miss her children is very much at peace and rather enjoying this new bit of what life has to offer.

I have been invited to a picnic and await to hear from Chimene on when it is. It is something I am looking forward to.

Continued Changes

It was a moment hard to describe. We had been here once before... Me so quiet, he concentrating and my following the lead with a hushed silence yet so much more was beneath the surface. While I was full of questions and chatter, I didn't give into these urges in more of a need to observe him and the surroundings, the gate that led to this quiet spot. The icey cold water of the fountain.

Yes, it is hard to describe, the exchange by energy.. words didn't need to represent a thing.

I did not tell him .. I went home to an empty house. Two nights prior Max and I agreed that he would take the children for a two month trial period. Already I count the days and I find I worry over our youngest, my sweet Madeline.. is she lonely, is she doing alright without me? She seemed excited about the trip but the last look back at me as she bravely boarded the ship showed she was a bit frightened. I am sure she is fine.. I wonder if I will be. It was time for this day to come, I am just not sure I am ready..

Max's arrival put off the trip to Destiny Point for a bit, I had planned to go there before I left for Bazi but now there will not be time.