Changes

Today I woke a bit later than normal, most likely because of all the tossing and turning I did through the night. When I awoke I laid in my rather large bed with the finest linens and wondered where I might sleep tonight. Once I dragged myself from my luxury, I met with Aris to have a long breakfast going over final details regarding the children and the winery. I had so many plans for the winery but it just all seems so unimportant right now. There is a blood curdling scream beneath the surface of my flesh, a woman intent in finding her way into the sunlight once again.

I will never regret the reasons for my freedom but I am not sure Max realized at that moment that my freedom brought the loss of what he loved most. I know I did not see this at the time.. I saw all of the things I wanted to do for him.. keep him happy and bring him children. Certainly the slavers that bred me never intended on that ability from me but they did breed a woman with a heart. Perhaps a flaw in blood line, perhaps not.

For the last two days I have been going over my decisions and the reasons for them. There is no decision here on the part of Dawson.. I would have submitted to him a hand ago and I can not give a good reason why. It is something that is right.. it is something that I crave. It is something that I have to do.

During the long ahns of the night I closed my eyes and went back in time. A time finally pinpointed in where Dawson knew me from. In Dartmoth he saw a woman at her worst. I did not want to go there but what choices did I have, I had to follow on the heel of my Master, Jaren. We went there by the want of his Companion who absolutely hated me and felt I might ruin their chances of being accepted there. Gratefully the woman did not last long with Jaren. I tried to do my best there but oft found myself in Jaren's room in tears after trying to serve those of the City to make him proud. Yes, Dawson saw me at my worst and at the very beginning of my fall. Soon after we left Dartmoth I had my first taste of being a free woman, Jaren having taken me out of collar to Companion and bear children.

After all these years he remembers a woman that intrigued him. I think he did not like that the woman he looked at now had hidden the Bela he knew. And so began his unraveling of the tightly woven free woman that is holding the woman he wants at bay.

I am so scared.

I need him so much..

And then more reflections...

Tonight I came home and Aris knew something heavy was on my mind. Two days I have to think about my future. I tried to start it tonight but I was denied for two days to think and put things in order. I sat at length with Aris and talked about what would be done. He is not a happy man tonight but he knows I have been struggling for so many years. Within my hand is a cloth bag and within the weight that I will bear soon. I can not seem to let it go.

The House is open and aired out and the children are happily exploring as the staff is getting settled. Aris will continue young Max's warrior studies and as each child comes of age, they will go to Max. Aris has been so wonderful to the four of us. I wish I could have been for him what he needed. I have told him it is time for him to find a Companion, to have his own children and to help me with mine.. he is considering this.

When we left Jula, no forwarding address was left. Akil will be fine I am sure. I am certain in no time he will have a new collection and beyond.

In the last hand I have danced on the edge of danger. Drawn to a man that once looked upon me with a hunger.. and still does. Last week I could have easily submitted and for a moment it was very possible for the words to slip free. While there were moments when almost he took me, he would not have another mans woman which offered me a reprieve. I wonder.. at the last moment, would have I said no?

Perhaps that makes me a slut, was I not born that way? But no, to those curious of mind.. Since I have been given my freedom I have treated this position with respect. I have buried what I am to conform to society and make Max and then Akil happy. I failed to make Marcus happy. I regret that, he cared so much but the spark for me had died so long ago. He was not getting the woman who had burned beneath him so many years before.

I am so old.. and so tonight I face myself.

Maximus.. you are my soul mate. The moment we laid eyes on each other we knew. There is a love there that no one can touch. Who knows what the future holds.. I am sure we will drift in and out of each others lives. That is our fate. To this day, I still love you, that will never end. ::pensive she was for a moment, touching over his name in ink::

Akil.. You came into my life like a charging larl. You would not take a no for an answer and you excited me so. Once I was conquered and submitted at your feet behind our closed doors.. a silence came over the house. How I longed to grow with you but that was not to be. I can't remember the last time you inspired my mind.. The flesh is the easy part.

Reck.. still to this day I wonder what ever happened to you. That last night .. the blood, the fear and the sound of my own screams drowning out my thoughts.. I would have done anything that night to help you. You excited me so. I will never forget you and I hope you are well.

Dawson... You have exposed me and crept under my skin. I can not tell you how afraid I am to trust, I can not tell you how afraid I am to not come to you. I have hated every moment that it was time to leave for home. On many occasion Aris dragged me along by my elbow. You have reminded me that I once was a confident and strong woman. You have reminded me that I miss this woman. You remind me that even with my Mate, I still am pensive, held back because of a fear of living as a slave. You have made me face these fears. You have put me here in this moment, sorting my life out and aching so deeply for you. It is rare the man that can render me to my knees. Knowing very well you could have taken me for yours just because.. still I stood before you and shed my free woman facade. ::his name she tapped her finger on and looked at the cloth pouch resting on the table. It was a slow smile that emerged. if he didn't think she was screaming beneath all of that robery he better listen a little more closely, even from the cabin::

Yes.. tonight I think yet my decision is made.

Reflections..

There will always be men that I will meet that are so strong that they inspire this thing in me. There will always be men in my life that think they do inspire these things and yet they can scratch no farther than the surface of my skin.

I stood on the edge of danger this past hand. For a moment I thought I could step away from my life and take a dive into this world in which I was born. Emotion is a powerful thing and can not always be controlled. There were times in this past hand that the sensible side of me would watch what the impetuous side of me was doing. I was powerless to stop myself in a proactive sense. Beneath it all, well, I hope I would have done the right thing.

I found myself beginning to care for a man that took me down memory lane. I found myself beginning to care for a man that was able to put his fingers on the pulse of the woman of hunger on the inside. The Bela of old is there, she is tempered, subdued just enough. I need to remember that and I need to introduce her to Akil, not keep her hidden until someone reminds me that she is there. There is a fine line of just how much the born slave should show. I was once told that I was too beautiful as a slave to be free of collar. So.. I tend to not show much of that woman. Perhaps it is time to trust Akil, fully.

I almost walked away from this life .. while it would have been easy at first, down the road I would have regretted my choices.

Some things I do know about myself. I have always been a woman of indecision, my actions usually stem from that flaw alone. It is why I require a very strong man who will keep me in line.

Some things I do know about myself..

A New Dilemma

I have been forced to do a lot of soul searching. While Dawson would like to see that fiery woman resurrected, I find that allowing her to live once more would come at a great price. Marcus oft said he wanted to find the woman he knew but for whatever reason there was no inspiration felt by me to let him try. I gave him more excuses than anything else and by then I had met Akil.

Back when, Maximus had decided to put me back to my beginnings, to find that Bela he fell in love with. By then I was carrying our third child and while I was freed to give birth to our precious Maddy, still that collar closing on me again was not the answer when by then my heart was fully in motherhood and raising three children of love. Max had the right idea .. but the Bela of old can not live as a free woman.

I am ever changing. I seem to grow into a new person with every situation I am in. In my heart I know why I do some of these things.. I covet a few things that were Max's. While Akil is given everything I have to give, still I am a new version of the old.

Today I have been tested. I passed in some ways, failed in others. On several occasions I angered Dawson but he needs to see that there are many years between the woman he new then and the woman he is getting to know now. I see that getting in touch with that Bela of old will require the greatest act on my part and I am not so willing to submit. The cost is too great. The loss of my children would be the slowest death imaginable.

I earned the humiliation of a spanking today, Aris still laughs at me and says I deserved it for disrespecting him. Perhaps.

A great many things happened today. I faced loneliness. I am challenged to tame my bitterness and mistrust without being asked. I have faced the sadness that I will not find the Bela of old, the Bela that Max fell in love with, right now. I am not yet ready to give everything up to do so.

There are so many things on my mind tonight..

I wish Akil would take an interest in my life again.

I wish I could talk to Max and tell him these things I have learned.

I wish Dawson didn't know me so well. He is entirely too good at putting his finger on the pulse of the reasons things are as they are.

I wish that I hadn't angered him.

I wish that he hadn't sent me away today ..

Meeting from the past

Last night was a night I had never expected. Last night I got a glimpse of a woman long lost. The fiery Port Karian woman. What was so interesting about her back then. What makes men who knew her intent on finding her again? I would like to say that she was an ordinary slave like the rest. Perhaps, perhaps not. I know I was despised by other slaves. I was despised by free women as well because I was not afraid to be just what I was. As it was put to me, I was comfortable in my own skin and I had a fiery spark that came out around free women. Meeting Dawson again last night has flooded me with memories of ages gone by making me realize just how old I am. When he mentioned Jaren he put me back in the time when I knew him .. at first I did not recognize him but after a time speaking with him.. it is the presence I remember so well. Back then would Dawson have saved me like Jaren did. Jaren had watched me for the longest time go from collar to collar. For a time I was plagued by men that would collar then disappear, then stolen, collared to disappear and so on. After about a dozen times Jaren stepped in and told he me would take me and sell me to a better owner. I was ever grateful by then and not long after that I was Jaren's, there would be no sale. He did have a companion back then, she despised me and so he freed me and shoved manumission papers in my hands as I knelt naked before him at the falls. It was the most bizarre moment of my life I think. With no where to go I found myself at a paga den dancing on a table for a man quite intent on having me for his. Jaren had followed me to storm into that paga den, carrying me away while telling me I would not be lost to him again. What would have happened if Jaren hadn't have died... Fate is a tricky thing.

Introductions between Akin and Dawson did not go well. Within a moments time I was offered an out to go with Dawson which completely shocked and enraged me. The two of them were a hundred times worse than the meeting between Akil and Maximus. I am just shocked by the behavior and the lack of civility with all the name calling. Akil could not understand my anger so we ended up on a somewhat stare off until I excused myself to go about my business. This side of Akil is not endearing at the least.

My night of sleep was fitful at best. Visions of years gone by. Have I gotten that lost in my travels that the woman that drew men to risk much to have me has gone into a deep sleep? Would Akil have liked that woman I once was? Over the time with him I have become his woman, a new version of the old. I feel so dull and lifeless, always trying to balance myself to stay free. Granted I am safe with Akil, I am allowed my status of free woman to work and raise my children and allowed to writhe beneath him as the woman I was born as.

I mentioned my desire to travel to Turmus, he has declined that request. I mentioned it was time to see the physician for renewal of sip root. He declined that for now to think about it more. I will not be put in the position again of taking the blame for a mans hasty actions. No, no. No.

It is off to market today, I have some shopping to do and the walk will do me good. The Cabot children and growing fast, all I seem to do is replace outgrown clothing. Madelaine will accompany me today, she is feeling left out as Maxine is busy with her schooling and Maximus is busy with his young warriors training.