The Visit

Max came to Jula to visit his children. Max shorted his children his time while he rushed off to find himself something to replace me. Max shorted Maximillian by denying him a visit with his brother and sisters, something all four children need.

What a disappointment Max is.

How predictable Max is.

I write this in an anger and hurt so deep that I do not know where to begin. The ink spills to parchment as if blood from a cut open vein. For years that door has been open waiting for him to make some sort of move or commitment. How long I hoped he would gather me up one more time that I had not realized how much I let it put a stand still on my life. Marcus never stood a chance because I know in my heart I was waiting for Max to come save me and carry me away. Always I dreamed of that happily ever after with him. I loved him, I will love him always in a certain way but sometimes things change when a different color of light is shed on things.

Akil was friendly enough when we met. Any contact that began by chance meeting furthered by a business contract of wine delivered. When I came to Jula, I had no intention of letting events go further than business but this man did as he pleased, took me in a way that I could not deny him even if it was not really my choice. When I left Jula the first time, I didn't intend to go back but I did. I missed the man, I missed the way he looked at me. Maybe it was then that I realized that I would feel as Niko felt with Max. I was never jealous of her, but I was jealous of the excitement Max displayed over her. I was hurt that as much as he said he loved me, wanted only me.. that I excited him in bed more than any woman ever had that still he didn't seem to find that same excitement in me.. or perhaps it was that I craved the Max from when we first me, that is the man I was waiting for. Still, he treated me as second rate and as the one that would always be there to pick up the pieces or better yet, to fill that void until his next conquest came? Is he really that shallow? I knew he was never true to me, he is a man lacking in control and commitment. Last night I told him that he will always end up as he is. He will always be alone.

Akil didn't allow the shadow of Max to stand in his way and really, Akil did not choose to see that shadow, to him it did not exist. The only thing that existed to him was me, a woman he wanted to and now does possess so fully. How exciting it is to be looked at like that, to be approached with the expectation that I will be his because he says it is so. The night that door almost came in to my room was a night that Akil did not let a door or all the walls I have up stand in his way. He didn't turn and run, he didn't seek solace with someone else to lick his wounds. He is a man.

As Max left in his obvious displeasure at the announcement of our Mating he said he would go out and find a new gem. Well, that would be fine but he won't treat her any better than he did me as he let his true gem get away by sheer laziness on his part. Did he really have no idea that I would wait for him forever if only he stepped up and made something happen? Max, you are a very stupid man and how disappointing you are.

It was time I woke up and looked to the future. It was time I stopped sleeping my life away hoping Max would come claim what had been his for so long.

Akil teaches me that there is so much more to life. I have a partner, someone who attends my booming business with me, a partner who takes his time every day to bond with three beautiful children. A man that will see to that all of us are happy and protected. He teaches me that I can safely be the Bela I am, I am with a man that sees the balance I have in my life as a needed thing.

Was I waiting for Max or was I really waiting for Akil?

How grand it is to love again without doubt or reservation. When I look at Akil I find the old feelings are gone, it is fresh and brand new. I know Akil will not be like Max. How many times did I look at Max saying, "Yes I love him but I don't trust him in the least." Akil finds he has my old habits to deal with at times but kings.. that man is divine.

::Bela looked long at what she had written, dagger drawn, sentences spilled out, pent up filth now cleansed. Dagger sheathed, stylus laid to rest. As she closed the book to the private world of her thoughts, she smiled. This chapter closed, a new one having begun. It was then that the smile emerged, one brand new.. pure and true.::

Possession

While at the desk, working on a letter that I need to get sent off, Akil was heard calling down the hallway for me as he approached our room. Tonight I stepped past the night of my claiming to a step beyond, a future marked by the man himself. In two hands time the old brands will be removed.

An urgency resides in me and while I remember this back in the day when I lived exactly as my breeding dictated.. slowly over the years those needs have thinned, have diluted by the confusion of a woman caught between free and slave. I like being a free woman. I enjoy my life as it but there are times when Akil reminds me that I am his woman, his concubine and more than anything, a female... free or not, I know it would be easy to beg things in that state of mind that I might regret. I live the life of a free woman yet I am a submitted woman, to one.

I will be ready ...

What started as my defiance to keep him out of my world ended in me being quite frightened in what would happen if he had to force entry into my room. How smart I was thinking to throw the bolt on that door as if that would keep him out of my heart, my head and my life. Comparing myself found me on the edge of a confusion, unsure just where I stood with Akil and so I ran, seeking out a safe haven, to not end up back in time, to not end up back in that place I hated. Uncertainty drives me to such drastic behavior at times.

While I listened to him pushing his way through that door, finally I shouted at him to go away but in my heart I knew I did not want him to go. I am his submitted woman, what else can I be and to think of a day without him brought a recoil of doubt and finally the latch slid out of place to allow him entry. I did however run for cover because I knew he was angry at me. My only weapon a thrown slipper, putting my foot down on my independence of it all, taking my rights! It was a soft gesture but one that demanded my space. A gesture he would not comply to, a gesture that brought me within his grip and he taking his rights as a man.

In the tradition of our birth place, Port Kar, I am now his claimed woman, his mate. While I told him I was not ready for such a thing, I was informed that I was ready and that I would be ready to accept how it is between us, who I belong to as free woman and beyond in our private world.

Yes, I am claimed in many ways and while I think I am not ready for such a step, there is no where else I would rather be than where I am. His.

This morning came a smirk from Aris. I could barely walk and no doubt the entire house heard what went on in my room last night. From the battered door unlatched just before it was forced open, to his raised voice and my protests, to the awed silence as I was claimed and finally to the acceptance of it all, the night of passion laced with his punishing takings of me throughout the night forcing home just who I belong to. The smile that does not seem to leave me and the quiet manner I project today as I let it all sink in, still I am stunned. Yet Aris watched me intently, I could not tell how he really feels about all of this and with our history.... who knows. He went to the Inn this morning, no doubt to take out his feelings on the slave he likes there.

How nice it all is

How nice it is to feel part of a home and a future. I am part of a partnership .. of sorts. Akil takes an active role in the property search for the new winery and warehousing in Jula. While sometimes I feel standoffish, living my own life, and too .. this is the first man to take an active role in my life, including the children. Each day that goes by brings a new level of closeness with this man I am coming to care for very much. He pays attention to every facet of my life and keeps the control of those decisions I might make, making many of them for us.

Beneath the surface of the professional woman burns the light of a long lost woman, one who is coming to life again and one not so afraid to reach out and offer to him wholly. While he is a man who will take and conquer, I seem to feel equally safe and delighted that he will not allow the walls I have erected to stay.. erected. There are moments when I feel raw and exploited, the look in his eyes when he reveals more of this woman he had no idea existed. I think on some occasions his discoveries leave us both a bit surprised. Bela of old I thought dead to me; Bela of old is not dead to Akil. He seems to like what he see's, he wants it, he takes it and devours it, I simply revel in it and crave yet more and give.. much more.

We came full circle recently... in a bathing room oddly enough. What started there in my ire of his treatment of me to end the circle of my willingness at his slightest glance at me.. the roots have set, from here we grow. More of the happier woman creeps out each day to feel the light of day, to dust herself off.. to live. Now.. I can not imagine my days without him.