A Longer Visit

Back in Ar for a while, I decided to head to Jula again to visit. This stay has ended up longer than planned and for the time being is indefinate. I am enjoying myself there and for the first time in a while I am allowing myself to enjoy, to not over worry things and to just be. I enjoy the time spent with Akil and instead of the Inn, he has put me in a room at his house, Aris in the next room over. It is more comfortable than the Inn, the gardens are lovely as well.

At times I am not sure if he is serious by the things he will say, I do not know him overly well and while he teases in some regards, I think he might be deadly serious. When I broached the subject of the children, I said I would have to go back or bring them to me and was leaning toward heading to Turmus to meet them there at the vineyard on the river. It had been decided that the children will meet me here. Aris was sent to see to their safety on the journey with instructions to add an entourage of guards until my children are safe with me. I have had word that they have set out on their journey. I am very excited to see them.

Work is still taking place.. I manage both wineries, Marcus' and mine, by documents coming back and forth. At some point I will have to go to Ar to oversee the bottling. The Turmus winery is small enough and my staff trustworthy so I don't worry about that winery much.

Reck - - if only he knew what a space he left in my life. I owe him much for reminding me that there is a life to reach out and grab. I have ended up playing it safe and have become so stagnant. Now, I allow myself to look out to the horizon and start.. there.

The Meeting of Children

Since the night at the alley I have been trying to put the horrible scene behind me. It isn't easy as I worry over.. and miss.. Reck. Daily walks past the shop leave Aris in a foul mood. Nothing I do seems to please him and so it is good that I don't try to please him. That would get us no where. He notices things though and so I feel his hard and dark gaze on me more and more. He knows how he found me, he doesn't know what transpired, only that I still have the remnants of occasional nightmares and this obsession with finding Reck. Asking about Reck on the Street of Brands only brought my guards into an altercation with an overzealous slaver. The man offered that he was more suited to my needs than Reck. For once I did not reply and was escorted away swiftly before the situation became worse. I do not know who else to go to. Thalonius doesn't seem to know anything and if he does he isn't giving me any sign that he has any knowledge of his whereabouts. The wine sales are going well in the arena and finally I am seeing some return on that venture. Still I look for him, still I see him how he was the last I saw him.. from a man I knew in a fevered embrace, to the killer that I stood staring at, trying to help and being smacked away from him to protect me. Reck, I hope you are safe. Please, I need some peace, I wish you would get word to me that you are alive and well. He should have taken me with him, I have coin, I could have helped him.. Bah, this is insanity.

My work has been part of my sanity, instead of laying in bed most of the day like I was trying to.. now I have decided to do something with all of the peach juice I ended up with from the added polination orchards. A peach wine and a peach liquor seem to be a minor success. Perhaps I have sampled a bit more of the liquor than I should but I am thinking when the taste tests are ready to generate to the public, we will find this line a success. The drink does add a mellow warmth to my frayed edges.

Finally the Cabot children have met. I found my heart went out to the young Maximillian but soon he was embraced by our three and romping the gardens like they have known each other forever. Madeline keeps asking over and over when she will see him again. I was a bit nervous about the meeting, more worried about how Maxine would take things as they are but she seems to be taking all in stride, the visit with her father adding more of a smile to her eyes. Of the three I think she is most like him in looks and personality. Young Maximus met his father "man to man" but then caved into the young boy he is by hugging to his father like the child he still is. My young stoic man trying to be the man of the house. I enjoyed watching the two of them together. Then there was Maddy, the child Max has not yet met. She was very shy at first but then seemed to take over like she usually does. Our dramatic child and the child most like me. May the Priest Kings watch over her closely!

Soon the children were having to much fun playing that Max and I were able to talk for a while. There seemed so much to say but not much was said. We seem so formal with one another but he did extend an invitation that I have accepted. Parting was difficult when he and Maximillian had to leave. My heart went out to the boy who now knew his brother and sisters to now going back to a quiet house. I know my three miss him and Max already. Maxine cried herself to sleep, I heard her yet the next day she would admit to nothing - just, like her father. The Cabot brood still snicker at what they saw, I only need to give them the eye to hush them to silence. Max told me that I needed to get some meat back onto my bones. Looking in the mirror that night I realize that I have lost some weight.

Back to work then my daily walk to the Street of Brands and to the shop .. will today be a day of news?

::closing the book she sat back in her chair and rubbed her eyes while she rested for a moment, thinking about where he could be. She knew what she heard, she had a better idea just where he might be and this brought a unpleasant crease to her brow. It was hard to admit but she missed him. A soft sigh as she drew her lower lip between her teeth, memory from one moment to the next, a nibble then to the dark smear of leaking liquid, that nauseous wave once more. He could have left her for dead...::

The Gift of a Fur

Aris convinced me to get out for some air and stimulation by taking a walk to the springs. He said I was pale and quiet so to shut him up I went along to humor him. I understand that too, he would have allowed me no choice in this matter, his mind had been made up. He is angry at himself for letting me motion him away. Still, I think he knows I would do it again where Reck is concerned.

The Hunter, Aslan, was at the springs and as we sat and chatted, me in the form of a free woman, I had to endure his smirks and knowing looks. I felt a bit deflated, a bit confused by it all. Has all my hard work to create three prolific wineries been for naught if only I am looked at like a robed slave? I must get these brands off soon, if only for myself, closing the door on 'that' life. I found myself watching Akil for every expression or look my way as well while his 'slave' served me less than adequate juice. I made her drink the sour drink, he felt I should be specific with the slave, next time I will be specific enough to get my own drink after all, what slave 'asks' for sour juice. I wondered if he looked at me the same as Aslan had, I am feeling very defensive.

Must I always wonder if those I meet my know who I was.. will I ever have friends, those who are interested in more than what I look like out of robes? I have no one to confide in and the funny thing is the person I would confide in sent me away from him for my safety. I might tell him just about anything after all.. am I not the keeper of his secrets? Secrets that I guard. I am not sure if I am in danger or not. I have been watching for him, I have to know he is well and safe. No word has come since that night, the nightmares lessen but I will not rest until I know he is safe.

Aslan gifted me with a beautiful fur of light brown near white. Luxuriously soft, I toss it over my feet at night for warmth. I spend more time in bed, tired.

I think I have my answer for Marcus..

Alley's Aftermath

Prologue:

Aris had found the shrieking Bela in the alley with a man having fallen to his death close by her. The eyes of the man held the terror he was gripped by when he met his untimely death, his throat with an open gash of being ripped open.. flowing free to the pavement was his life's blood. It was enough to make Aris sick as he saw Bela standing there, barely, pale and sobbing while crying out his name over and over, "Reckkkkk!" He grasped her arm and scooping the woman up, veils, gloves, and single slipper left behind on the ground, carried her to safety as she wept against his shoulder, nothing said.. she would not talk of what she had seen.

Once back at the house he bellowed rather nastily for a slave to come tend the Lady of the house. Hastily the slave made a bath for Bela and once Bela was soaking in the tub she ordered the slave to burn her clothing. Hitting the step as she did the outer garment had torn a large rent and it was not to be repaired.. she wanted it all.. burned.

As the slave did her bidding another brought her tea once back to her room. Bela curled beneath the blankets where she laid for the longest time, eyes closed and lost in her own world. Quivering lips.. warm breath, the scent of pipe tobacco. The nibble. Eyes opened and she felt queasy. She could guess, was she ill? Or was it worry over him? She tried to calm herself, her mind working over every detail of the evening.. holding to the enjoyable part.. clinging to it but behind closed eyes as the movie of her mind played over and over.. the wildness in his eyes, the change of pupils, the look in his face, the tension of his body like a striking animal... the conversation she had heard and and watching what he had done. Blood, the look in the dead mans eyes, stark terror. A cry was heard from her room, Aris sitting outside her door in a easy chair bolted into her room to find her fighting with her covers, frantically trying to get out of the nightmare she was having. When she awoke, she bound from the bed and into the bathing chamber, ill, sick to her stomach and once her gut wretched all it could, she laid to the cool floor, recovering as her tongue smoothed over that spot where she could still feel the nibbling. It was mind over matter.. seeing what she saw.. smacked away when she tried to aid him with fallen veils.. yes, she was worrying over nothing certainly. Making herself sick over it.

Getting her back to bed, sleep was lost from her.. the remainder of the night laying there staring at the ceiling wishing she knew where he was, was he in need of help. Wishing. The look in his eyes, sending her away from him by a smack to her reaching hands. She was wise enough to know he did this to save her life... how could she repay this, ever.

Finally, she slept.

Rummaging Through the Mind

Things are not as easy without Aris seeing to my safety.. I had quite the fright last night and I do not know if the hired guards have returned. It is safe to say that they have lost their employment with Silverton Estates. A rather disgusting man came up to me and said some vile things to me and so they got to their job but then let me get separated from them in their eagerness to do their job. I had thought I was safe until from the tunnel came the man that caused the situation. It was then that I felt the heavy rock like feeling in my gut and the instinct to flee for my life. When I tried to get to the guards, the man got in between us then other men came to his aid but then luck was mine. I told him I was going back to the Arena, safe and out of the rain. He allowed this so I fled to the safety of the interior of the Arena and got to the Arian Guard for an escort home. I still tremble at the idea at how fragile my existence is and I am afraid to tell Marcus what happened because I do not know what he would do. Must I always live in fear being the weaker of sexes? I find this all very frustrating. I hate it, in fact. I did not like feeling vulnerable and unsafe with this man facing me last night. I will hire on more guards.

Reck seems gone.. I asked Thalonius about him and a muttered snort with some mumbled words laced at the end with Vaako. So.... I am not sure how I feel about this. In my experience people come and go so quick it was like they were a figment of my imagination yet still at night I feel his lips against that final veil that he left in place what seemed so long ago. The work was secondary but I let that be my focus.. how clever I am...

Marcus would soon like an answer to his request for Companionship. He says he is missing something from his life but am I the one to fill it really? We don't love each other. There is an attachment there of history and regard. Friendship yet I avoid telling him much because I feel that dangle of invisible collar there when he questions me. He knows Aris was fired and questions me on my trip to Jula but I am not willing to answer anything he asks. Sadly, a companionship for me would be a business proposition, there is nothing left inside to feel one way or another about anything. He said long ago that inside I was deeply scarred. Well many people are and do they to just stop feeling much about anything? I am flawed. Maybe it was my breeding, that weakness of emotion....

Amazingly..

Finally I have made it back to Ar. It seems the only people who knew I was missing was the children. They were glad to see me and our reunion was great fun and never have I loved them more. I was frightened I might not make it back to the safety of the Estate but it seems Marcus didn't know I was missing? I have sent a missive off to Max, I would like him to visit with the children. It is time.

Aris and Claud have been fired. Aris keeps nearby and feels shifting his duties to the older two children will suffice. I can't even bring myself to speak to him. I have hired two men in their place.. I find them both annoying.

Akil... who knows when next we meet, the next shipment of wine will be delivered on time.

I don't know if Reck is to be found.. I passed by the shop and found no light on.... I was in such a rush to find him, what am I doing.. ::just sighs and snaps the book shut, shoving it away::

The Whirlwind

The day started off quietly. The winery is running smoothly since the inventory has been done. I made the purchase of a large quantity of bottles, the price was right and it will be enough to get through the barreled reserves I have. New barrels are being made for the harvest that is coming in. The new foreman is working out well and doesn't mind too much that I tend to have done what I want done. In a way he reminds me of the gardener in Port Cos that just hated me when I started to rip up the lawns for what is now a successful winery.

Reck is home. I feel so foolish spying on Thalonius now, and even sure that he had brought harm to him. And look at how I behaved trotting right over to him.. so eager. Hopefully it didn't lift too many brows. It was good to see him and though I keep fussing about business, I do want to get to know him better.... to ask him about those things the wine merchant said. While I don't look at him as a conquest, something about him. I am changing and for whatever reason, I feel he is instrumental in the birth of this new woman I am becoming. Perhaps that he lives to his own step, something I could never do yet now want to try. The strangest thing with him happened. While he was eyeing up Max and politely trying to be on his way.. I was so busy talking that I wasn't paying attention but the moment he was gone.. inside my head as the clicking of that rod against his teeth. Strange how that was. Once he was gone I heard it. During the rest of the day I heard it. Laying in my bed with my mind whirling after the conversation with Marcus, all I could hear and so loudly was that clacking of metal against his teeth. Thalonius now has a few bottles of my wine in his stock yet he is driving a hard bargain. I am being ripped off but soon the tables will turn when my wine is expressly asked for and he doesn't have it to offer. Then he will lower his percentage and we will get along fine. He is not the only shrewd merchant around.

Maximus. The chemistry is there, it always has been there and always will be I imagine. Today was so different, so odd. We sat and talked. I told him the truth, I will always love him but life.. happens. He treated me like a free woman, perhaps that was a first. Usually it was his beating his chest exclaiming that I am his woman and carrying me away. The problems would disappear for a short time but then it would all start again. I wish the man did not have such a roving eye. I had always wished he would take care of his family but no matter how we love each other and always will, perhaps it is best this way. We will meet again. He needs to see his children and our children need to meet their brother. I will not punish an innocent young boy for the mess the adults made. He has asked me to come to Port Cos on occasion to tend to the winery. He says it needs some up keep, I wonder what he has done to my winery! It will be business only and I may need the stored wine there for this contract I spoke to Keiran about. Asperiche is looking to fill a large contract. I wonder how my loved garden in Port Cos is. I made the cottage in Turmus with a beautiful garden very much like the one in Port Cos. I have not yet found where I want a new garden at the Estate. The house that Marcus built is nice but I loved the original house there and the garden that was within the crook of quiet in the back.

Marcus. Our arrangement was easy, for him. While I did not mind it at first.. I can not be that woman of the past that he looks for. He never allowed me choices but now that he does, I am making them with gusto. My choices, my life. Sadly, it is bringing me to a new phase of my life. Last night Marcus discussed with me his desire to contract Companionship for a term of a year. While I do not really understand his desire for this, I told him I would listen to what he brings to the table when he is ready. Marcus and I do not love each other. Once long ago we sounded these words to each other.. the love of Master and slave. My heart was already Max's. Perhaps it was that I loved where he put me, a place I do not desire any longer. He gifted me with a beautiful box with my name etched. Within the box is a mix of gifts that bring very mixed feelings. A necklace that he said would help remind me of the slave I am. Earrings to wear at night and a beautiful ring fitting for a free woman with a lustrous stone of deep blue. I was rather surprised by his choice of gifts as a dowry of Companionship. I do not intend on getting my ears pierced because I do not intend on being a slave again. I know what Marcus wants from me but that woman is long gone. He says the hurt and the pain has scarred me and perhaps so. He wants to see the Port Karian wench that he once owned, he wants to see the fire in my eyes again. Perhaps if he looked he would see that there is a new fire, a rebirth of a different Bela. I have been smothering in a cycle of two men that want to keep me as I was.

That brings me to Bela... my Dearest Max and Marcus.. the Bela that both of you have loved died a natural death. Never forget her. Within the ashes of Bela, the Port Karian slut is the Lady Bela Cabot. Brand new, getting to know who she is. Know her.

*fingertip touched over the last paragraph after she wrote it. Melancholy in her small smile as she put the book away. Laying there in the dark for the longest time, she mourned the Bela of long ago with silent tears slipping down her cheeks and that clacking of rod against teeth ringing in her head*

Thalonius.. Agents... and more

While I would like to do business with Thalonius, to get the vineyard's label seen in the arena, it was under this guise that I managed to get closer to the man. I was certain he had something to do with the disappearence of Reck. Finally I did ask about him and the merchant started to toss information at me that I am not sure I was meant to hear and imagine Reck wouldn't like me to know. Still, I will talk to him when I see him. Agents and Priest Kings, that is what I keep hearing over and over again. I am going to find out, or try.

I find I miss his presence. Or maybe it is that hint of the old Bela that is missing and seems to breathe while talking to this man. When I close my eyes I can still feel lips against veils, the moisture left there and the wild beating of my heart at the boldness of it all. Still, I am too old for the romantic side of life but needs are a necessary evil and a powerful.. dangerous draw.

I have to be careful with this man. On the one hand he pulls from me a long missed woman, on the other hand, I must be careful with that because of what he pulls from me. It is all rather exciting, like walking the sharp edge of a finely honed blade.

I am so tired of the quiet in my life.

Lets.. make some noise.

Coldness

A chance meeting from my past recently has brought my thoughts to what I am trying to do now. Am I trying to reinvent the old me or am I trying to forge out a new existance. Aris tells me that I work to hard and that I don't let many near me. I have already heard his feelings on Reck. I imagine I should not tell him that I will be having some work done. I might not see the light of day again.

Anyway.. to be looked at as I was today by a man that knew me before left a cold feeling inside of me. I am this fresh new person and would really like to let the past fade away and I think that is why I seek this work done, to finalize it if only in my own mind. Max.. I think of him often, he has yet to materialize like he said. Marcus.. though we live in the same house, I do not see him any longer. I have my thoughts on the matter.

Once more I went by the shop, it looked deserted, the sleen were not even there as when I knocked I was greeted with silence. I am not so adventurous that I would enter. I remember he had that snake in there, not that I would enter without invitation. I hope that he is traveling and that it has nothing to do with his fight with Thalonius. I think I will watch that man more closely.

I wonder ... yes, I wonder about that beaded tongue, what more lies beneath... "mine is...", he had said. Yes, I wonder.

A Gift Left

I had stood outside on the street for the longest time. The shop looked quiet and I had not seen Reck since he left the arena that night with a bottle of the wine from the crate. I was wary to do business with Thalonius until I spoke to Reck more on the subject, his warnings about the merchant taking root. Once Reck left I would watch Thalonius more closely, watching who approached him differently than the more common girl buying a drink for a free man or woman that was being served. I saw nothing suspicious that night but there have been times I have seen the man carrying on business other than the wines he sells. Still, I think it is important for the winery to be represented at the Arena.

Finally I walked to the door and tapped lightly. The sleen, they startled me and by hearing their racket I knew he was not there so left a gift of reserve wine hanging on the door. I imagined he drank the wine like our first meeting, from the bottle like an ale, guzzling without stopping until much of it is gone. I like the way he drinks wine, I like how different he is. I like that it will be his way..

I tell myself I go to the shop about our business at hand.. it is more...

Street of Brands

I ventured out and toward the Street of Brands last night. At first I was a bit nervous, moreso because Aris was inclined to turn back to the Vineyard when he realized where I was going. I was insistant as I had business to do and I intended on doing that business.

Once to my destination, I stood for a time looking at the face of the building, contemplating just why I was going there. Truly, was it all business that was on my mind? Honestly, no, it was not. I turned, I looked at my guards and told them they would wait for me outside. I did not give Aris the opportunity to argue. I pressed onward with a turn of the handle, entry and closure of the door before a word between us could be had. I felt somewhat emanicpated and nervous, this meeting something I had been mulling over since breakfast with Reck and knowing his profession.

While I was thinking to find an artist to design some labels for the wines, my mind seems stuck on some redesigning of my body, removal and covering of older markings. We will know better when the next appointment is made.. Beyond the business.. I left there in a delightful turmoil I had not felt in some time. I think I was encouraged to be myself in a safe environment, not by the watching eye of those that have been in my life. While I look at these men who care about me in one way or another, still I always feel like the collar is hanging like a noose where I can see it, to keep me terrified of ending there again. I will admit that it was quite nice to push the boundaries, play on that edge of excitement and not feel in a greater danger. I have forgotten how to have fun. I would like to reintroduce myself to such a word.

It is nice just to be... not worry about all the trappings.

Last night Aris looked mighty good by the time we arrived back home. As I went to my room I did turn and consider a seduction of the man .. the urges were powerful but then I decided to savor the feelings.. to let them simmer and build.

In my enthusiasm, I think I misspoke as I left. I regretted it the moment I said it.. how dare I be so assumptive. I was ashamed of myself thinking to try and be more .. than I am.

Bela.. Bela. *grins* Bellllahhhhh.

*the book snapped shut and tied with the white satin ribbon, placed back in the locked chest*

".... Mine is..."

To say the least, the shock was there or was it more... Truly, would I be daring enough to see this? I know what he meant but still I gave the man my name anyways. Hearing my name roll off his tongue.. "Belllaaaa".. Kings! It was too much wine, that is what it was. Aris yapped at me all the way home. Claud didn't dare once he saw the look I gave him. Once back to the house I ignored them both, retreating to my room with a slam of my door, throwing the lock. That made it understood I was not to be bothered.

Feeling quite flushed and tipsy I stripped down to lay in my bed and think. The idea was to sleep off the wine but I found my mind would not shut off. I had breakfast with a man I did not know but too, perhaps I have a new contact for the business. This Merchant, this acquaintance of Reck's, he seemed inclined to speak with me again. A distributor needs to be found as I saw not one vendor at the Arena selling wine from this vineyard.

Yes, the business. The business.. I wonder why then that my mind keeps drifting to this man, that charming smile and what he does for a living. What will I do if I see him again.. beyond making Aris turn red in the face! It was a first in a long time. I ordered my guards to step away from me, to give me room to breathe. Aris has been quiet since. I await for his rage, he is stewing on it for now....

A groggy half-sleep I had. I could not seem to settle and rest.

Settling In

The property has changed quite a bit since Marcus took over the winery. This house, largely built to accomodate the wealth he has acquired in owning this business. The north wing is for the four of us, Aris and Claud to live comfortably. A teacher has been hired to continue the studies of Max and Maxine, Madelaine has just started as well.

While Marcus was away it seemed he had a few employees enjoying the fruits our labors. The first that I poked my nose into the books, it was plain to see that something was amiss. Within a few days the foreman was let go as well as the bookkeeper. The bookkeeper did not know that a few people were paid that did not work there. Which was why the bookkeeper was let go. Already the receipts are fatter on the books and I have started the inventory process already making my suggestions to improve the operation overall. I have no idea where this business side of me came from but it is the one thing I do well.

I saw Ivy the other day.. Aris like he always did, has an eye for the slave. Pleasantries were had between us but how do we speak now. We were either friends or at each others throats, highly competitive but now, what do I have in common with a slave? I endured having my guard drag off the woman to the bushes, the entire area forced to listen to grunting and rutting while I pretended to read my ledger book. I did not care that he used the woman but that he had to do it as he did. Aris is a beast, uncouth at that.

Marcus and I have an arrangement.. it works for us both at this time. I am not sure if I am a ward of his or not, I am sure we will argue that line plenty. It is what we do best. After arriving back to the house with a grinning Aris, I excused myself and went to spend a few ahns with the children, early evening playtime is my favorite part of my day. Once they were settled in their beds, I took a long bath and let my mind drift to pleasant places. I was brushing my hair and about to turn in myself when there was a tap at my door. For a long moment I would look at myself in the mirror. Who did I see in those eyes so vibrant? Are they just a facade hiding a dullness within? I admit that I am finding my life a tad boring yet at the same time I still stir something in a few.. And so, each day brings new experience as I step out and seek new friends and places of interest.

Recently.. to the ire of Aris, I saw him. He looked well yet I was extremely guarded, the desire to fall into his arms was strong yet the memories too cruel. Inside my heart .. always.

::the book fell shut and tied with white ribbon, fingertips would touch lightly over the satiny bow. The book placed on top of the old one, locked in her trunk. Private sanctuary for private thoughts::