Rewind

How many times have I found myself here.. once more, starting again, trying to figure out who I am ... yet, again. My most recent secret.. a hand ago I considered throwing myself at any slavers feet to stop this vicious cycle. My greatest fear is my children being told I am weak, a slut, or worse. I do not want them taught that I was a nothing. I brought them into this world with the greatest of love, I love their father with all my heart.. they were not an act of lust but a entwining of hearts to make these wonderful young people. For all my mistakes in my life, the one thing I did well was be their mother.

I realize I have put myself in this prison, running from my past and being ashamed of it. I have been dragged back over and over by the same men and been allowed to live a fake life of a free woman. In some respect I was very happy in that role. I had work that I loved and plenty to keep me busy but it is time for me to face my birth. I was born a slave. Bred to a perfection, what perfection I will never know. I came from a breeding house of high quality slaves in Port Kar.. a place where the most proud and vivacious of slaves are born. When did I forget that and is that when my slow decline began?

Dawson invited the free woman Bela to dinner. I asked him if he had missed me and his answer was yes, he had missed me very much.. I know I had missed him greatly, his absense has left a huge canyon of space inside of me, it has been hard to breath without him. The Lady Bela left that dinner at his feet again. When questioned where his collar was, I could not do anything but say it was still worn, I had no way to remove it. I was given the news that this last few hands while I thought I had my life back, my trusted guard, Aris, had been working on the payroll of Dawson. Returned to my knees, I now serve both my Master and Aris. I work at the winery for the Master Aris because it is something I am good at. Aris has full use of me for all his hard work put in all these years. Aris is enjoying it right now... he certainly is. I ache, am bruised and he is relentless.. so is my Master.

A Visit

I was at the Arena, watching the fights and counting out the coins for my betting that night when the disgruntled sound of Aris was what first brought my gaze up. I had to chuckle as Max sat between Aris and myself setting off Aris' temper. These two men have such a hatred for each other that I try not to enjoy it too much but they are very amusing!

I asked him if his ship went down in the river. It had been a time since our last contact and soon he will visit to see the children. They are very excited to see him and I think it would be good for them all. All of us.. it does me good to see the laughter and fun between he and them.. a part of life that we were denied. It was good to smile and laugh with him. I can see he drinks too much and wonder what profits my first winery might be showing or if he is drinking it all...

I have not seen Dawson since he apologized to me.. something I have not forgotten, he is not a man to do such things. The cases of wine have been sent to the cottage.

We meet again..

How cool and retortive I was. I rather enjoyed his bit of misery he let me see. Tonight I think Dawson was very honest with me while I spilled lie after lie and then more lies to him as if every word was the truth. I have always been told I am prideful. I am. I am also a terrible liar.

I felt like an uptight free woman again.. worried about proper behavior to a man I submitted myself heart and soul to, to a man I lay naked before while he took out every desire on my flesh. Yet now I must stand tall and stiff, as if I never did these things... as if he has no affect on me.

Back in robes this time is worse than it has ever been. Am I finally realizing this? I have let man after man tell me that I am not a free woman but they would allow me to live this facade anyway. Perhaps it is because this time Dawson touched upon the woman I had been so lost without. Losing her again is so painful.

As always.. I will land on my feet, I shall prevail.

And.. again.

I find myself wandering aimlessly once more. Perhaps not by geography but inside. The newer of books closed with a silken ribbon wrapped around it and buried in a trunk in my room. The words written by me will not be looked at for some time. Looking out towards the future is a slight difficult. Aris as always so stoic and silent as I sit many ahns by the window looking out at the river. The days pass slowly as I put away a woman I liked very much. I have not yet learned how to balance she and me.. in a way that makes life bearable either side of the lives I have lived.

To start again. One more time.