Aris convinced me to get out for some air and stimulation by taking a walk to the springs. He said I was pale and quiet so to shut him up I went along to humor him. I understand that too, he would have allowed me no choice in this matter, his mind had been made up. He is angry at himself for letting me motion him away. Still, I think he knows I would do it again where Reck is concerned.
The Hunter, Aslan, was at the springs and as we sat and chatted, me in the form of a free woman, I had to endure his smirks and knowing looks. I felt a bit deflated, a bit confused by it all. Has all my hard work to create three prolific wineries been for naught if only I am looked at like a robed slave? I must get these brands off soon, if only for myself, closing the door on 'that' life. I found myself watching Akil for every expression or look my way as well while his 'slave' served me less than adequate juice. I made her drink the sour drink, he felt I should be specific with the slave, next time I will be specific enough to get my own drink after all, what slave 'asks' for sour juice. I wondered if he looked at me the same as Aslan had, I am feeling very defensive.
Must I always wonder if those I meet my know who I was.. will I ever have friends, those who are interested in more than what I look like out of robes? I have no one to confide in and the funny thing is the person I would confide in sent me away from him for my safety. I might tell him just about anything after all.. am I not the keeper of his secrets? Secrets that I guard. I am not sure if I am in danger or not. I have been watching for him, I have to know he is well and safe. No word has come since that night, the nightmares lessen but I will not rest until I know he is safe.
Aslan gifted me with a beautiful fur of light brown near white. Luxuriously soft, I toss it over my feet at night for warmth. I spend more time in bed, tired.
I think I have my answer for Marcus..
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
Alley's Aftermath
Prologue:
Aris had found the shrieking Bela in the alley with a man having fallen to his death close by her. The eyes of the man held the terror he was gripped by when he met his untimely death, his throat with an open gash of being ripped open.. flowing free to the pavement was his life's blood. It was enough to make Aris sick as he saw Bela standing there, barely, pale and sobbing while crying out his name over and over, "Reckkkkk!" He grasped her arm and scooping the woman up, veils, gloves, and single slipper left behind on the ground, carried her to safety as she wept against his shoulder, nothing said.. she would not talk of what she had seen.
Once back at the house he bellowed rather nastily for a slave to come tend the Lady of the house. Hastily the slave made a bath for Bela and once Bela was soaking in the tub she ordered the slave to burn her clothing. Hitting the step as she did the outer garment had torn a large rent and it was not to be repaired.. she wanted it all.. burned.
As the slave did her bidding another brought her tea once back to her room. Bela curled beneath the blankets where she laid for the longest time, eyes closed and lost in her own world. Quivering lips.. warm breath, the scent of pipe tobacco. The nibble. Eyes opened and she felt queasy. She could guess, was she ill? Or was it worry over him? She tried to calm herself, her mind working over every detail of the evening.. holding to the enjoyable part.. clinging to it but behind closed eyes as the movie of her mind played over and over.. the wildness in his eyes, the change of pupils, the look in his face, the tension of his body like a striking animal... the conversation she had heard and and watching what he had done. Blood, the look in the dead mans eyes, stark terror. A cry was heard from her room, Aris sitting outside her door in a easy chair bolted into her room to find her fighting with her covers, frantically trying to get out of the nightmare she was having. When she awoke, she bound from the bed and into the bathing chamber, ill, sick to her stomach and once her gut wretched all it could, she laid to the cool floor, recovering as her tongue smoothed over that spot where she could still feel the nibbling. It was mind over matter.. seeing what she saw.. smacked away when she tried to aid him with fallen veils.. yes, she was worrying over nothing certainly. Making herself sick over it.
Getting her back to bed, sleep was lost from her.. the remainder of the night laying there staring at the ceiling wishing she knew where he was, was he in need of help. Wishing. The look in his eyes, sending her away from him by a smack to her reaching hands. She was wise enough to know he did this to save her life... how could she repay this, ever.
Finally, she slept.
Aris had found the shrieking Bela in the alley with a man having fallen to his death close by her. The eyes of the man held the terror he was gripped by when he met his untimely death, his throat with an open gash of being ripped open.. flowing free to the pavement was his life's blood. It was enough to make Aris sick as he saw Bela standing there, barely, pale and sobbing while crying out his name over and over, "Reckkkkk!" He grasped her arm and scooping the woman up, veils, gloves, and single slipper left behind on the ground, carried her to safety as she wept against his shoulder, nothing said.. she would not talk of what she had seen.
Once back at the house he bellowed rather nastily for a slave to come tend the Lady of the house. Hastily the slave made a bath for Bela and once Bela was soaking in the tub she ordered the slave to burn her clothing. Hitting the step as she did the outer garment had torn a large rent and it was not to be repaired.. she wanted it all.. burned.
As the slave did her bidding another brought her tea once back to her room. Bela curled beneath the blankets where she laid for the longest time, eyes closed and lost in her own world. Quivering lips.. warm breath, the scent of pipe tobacco. The nibble. Eyes opened and she felt queasy. She could guess, was she ill? Or was it worry over him? She tried to calm herself, her mind working over every detail of the evening.. holding to the enjoyable part.. clinging to it but behind closed eyes as the movie of her mind played over and over.. the wildness in his eyes, the change of pupils, the look in his face, the tension of his body like a striking animal... the conversation she had heard and and watching what he had done. Blood, the look in the dead mans eyes, stark terror. A cry was heard from her room, Aris sitting outside her door in a easy chair bolted into her room to find her fighting with her covers, frantically trying to get out of the nightmare she was having. When she awoke, she bound from the bed and into the bathing chamber, ill, sick to her stomach and once her gut wretched all it could, she laid to the cool floor, recovering as her tongue smoothed over that spot where she could still feel the nibbling. It was mind over matter.. seeing what she saw.. smacked away when she tried to aid him with fallen veils.. yes, she was worrying over nothing certainly. Making herself sick over it.
Getting her back to bed, sleep was lost from her.. the remainder of the night laying there staring at the ceiling wishing she knew where he was, was he in need of help. Wishing. The look in his eyes, sending her away from him by a smack to her reaching hands. She was wise enough to know he did this to save her life... how could she repay this, ever.
Finally, she slept.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Rummaging Through the Mind
Things are not as easy without Aris seeing to my safety.. I had quite the fright last night and I do not know if the hired guards have returned. It is safe to say that they have lost their employment with Silverton Estates. A rather disgusting man came up to me and said some vile things to me and so they got to their job but then let me get separated from them in their eagerness to do their job. I had thought I was safe until from the tunnel came the man that caused the situation. It was then that I felt the heavy rock like feeling in my gut and the instinct to flee for my life. When I tried to get to the guards, the man got in between us then other men came to his aid but then luck was mine. I told him I was going back to the Arena, safe and out of the rain. He allowed this so I fled to the safety of the interior of the Arena and got to the Arian Guard for an escort home. I still tremble at the idea at how fragile my existence is and I am afraid to tell Marcus what happened because I do not know what he would do. Must I always live in fear being the weaker of sexes? I find this all very frustrating. I hate it, in fact. I did not like feeling vulnerable and unsafe with this man facing me last night. I will hire on more guards.
Reck seems gone.. I asked Thalonius about him and a muttered snort with some mumbled words laced at the end with Vaako. So.... I am not sure how I feel about this. In my experience people come and go so quick it was like they were a figment of my imagination yet still at night I feel his lips against that final veil that he left in place what seemed so long ago. The work was secondary but I let that be my focus.. how clever I am...
Marcus would soon like an answer to his request for Companionship. He says he is missing something from his life but am I the one to fill it really? We don't love each other. There is an attachment there of history and regard. Friendship yet I avoid telling him much because I feel that dangle of invisible collar there when he questions me. He knows Aris was fired and questions me on my trip to Jula but I am not willing to answer anything he asks. Sadly, a companionship for me would be a business proposition, there is nothing left inside to feel one way or another about anything. He said long ago that inside I was deeply scarred. Well many people are and do they to just stop feeling much about anything? I am flawed. Maybe it was my breeding, that weakness of emotion....
Reck seems gone.. I asked Thalonius about him and a muttered snort with some mumbled words laced at the end with Vaako. So.... I am not sure how I feel about this. In my experience people come and go so quick it was like they were a figment of my imagination yet still at night I feel his lips against that final veil that he left in place what seemed so long ago. The work was secondary but I let that be my focus.. how clever I am...
Marcus would soon like an answer to his request for Companionship. He says he is missing something from his life but am I the one to fill it really? We don't love each other. There is an attachment there of history and regard. Friendship yet I avoid telling him much because I feel that dangle of invisible collar there when he questions me. He knows Aris was fired and questions me on my trip to Jula but I am not willing to answer anything he asks. Sadly, a companionship for me would be a business proposition, there is nothing left inside to feel one way or another about anything. He said long ago that inside I was deeply scarred. Well many people are and do they to just stop feeling much about anything? I am flawed. Maybe it was my breeding, that weakness of emotion....
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Amazingly..
Finally I have made it back to Ar. It seems the only people who knew I was missing was the children. They were glad to see me and our reunion was great fun and never have I loved them more. I was frightened I might not make it back to the safety of the Estate but it seems Marcus didn't know I was missing? I have sent a missive off to Max, I would like him to visit with the children. It is time.
Aris and Claud have been fired. Aris keeps nearby and feels shifting his duties to the older two children will suffice. I can't even bring myself to speak to him. I have hired two men in their place.. I find them both annoying.
Akil... who knows when next we meet, the next shipment of wine will be delivered on time.
I don't know if Reck is to be found.. I passed by the shop and found no light on.... I was in such a rush to find him, what am I doing.. ::just sighs and snaps the book shut, shoving it away::
Aris and Claud have been fired. Aris keeps nearby and feels shifting his duties to the older two children will suffice. I can't even bring myself to speak to him. I have hired two men in their place.. I find them both annoying.
Akil... who knows when next we meet, the next shipment of wine will be delivered on time.
I don't know if Reck is to be found.. I passed by the shop and found no light on.... I was in such a rush to find him, what am I doing.. ::just sighs and snaps the book shut, shoving it away::
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
The Whirlwind
The day started off quietly. The winery is running smoothly since the inventory has been done. I made the purchase of a large quantity of bottles, the price was right and it will be enough to get through the barreled reserves I have. New barrels are being made for the harvest that is coming in. The new foreman is working out well and doesn't mind too much that I tend to have done what I want done. In a way he reminds me of the gardener in Port Cos that just hated me when I started to rip up the lawns for what is now a successful winery.
Reck is home. I feel so foolish spying on Thalonius now, and even sure that he had brought harm to him. And look at how I behaved trotting right over to him.. so eager. Hopefully it didn't lift too many brows. It was good to see him and though I keep fussing about business, I do want to get to know him better.... to ask him about those things the wine merchant said. While I don't look at him as a conquest, something about him. I am changing and for whatever reason, I feel he is instrumental in the birth of this new woman I am becoming. Perhaps that he lives to his own step, something I could never do yet now want to try. The strangest thing with him happened. While he was eyeing up Max and politely trying to be on his way.. I was so busy talking that I wasn't paying attention but the moment he was gone.. inside my head as the clicking of that rod against his teeth. Strange how that was. Once he was gone I heard it. During the rest of the day I heard it. Laying in my bed with my mind whirling after the conversation with Marcus, all I could hear and so loudly was that clacking of metal against his teeth. Thalonius now has a few bottles of my wine in his stock yet he is driving a hard bargain. I am being ripped off but soon the tables will turn when my wine is expressly asked for and he doesn't have it to offer. Then he will lower his percentage and we will get along fine. He is not the only shrewd merchant around.
Maximus. The chemistry is there, it always has been there and always will be I imagine. Today was so different, so odd. We sat and talked. I told him the truth, I will always love him but life.. happens. He treated me like a free woman, perhaps that was a first. Usually it was his beating his chest exclaiming that I am his woman and carrying me away. The problems would disappear for a short time but then it would all start again. I wish the man did not have such a roving eye. I had always wished he would take care of his family but no matter how we love each other and always will, perhaps it is best this way. We will meet again. He needs to see his children and our children need to meet their brother. I will not punish an innocent young boy for the mess the adults made. He has asked me to come to Port Cos on occasion to tend to the winery. He says it needs some up keep, I wonder what he has done to my winery! It will be business only and I may need the stored wine there for this contract I spoke to Keiran about. Asperiche is looking to fill a large contract. I wonder how my loved garden in Port Cos is. I made the cottage in Turmus with a beautiful garden very much like the one in Port Cos. I have not yet found where I want a new garden at the Estate. The house that Marcus built is nice but I loved the original house there and the garden that was within the crook of quiet in the back.
Marcus. Our arrangement was easy, for him. While I did not mind it at first.. I can not be that woman of the past that he looks for. He never allowed me choices but now that he does, I am making them with gusto. My choices, my life. Sadly, it is bringing me to a new phase of my life. Last night Marcus discussed with me his desire to contract Companionship for a term of a year. While I do not really understand his desire for this, I told him I would listen to what he brings to the table when he is ready. Marcus and I do not love each other. Once long ago we sounded these words to each other.. the love of Master and slave. My heart was already Max's. Perhaps it was that I loved where he put me, a place I do not desire any longer. He gifted me with a beautiful box with my name etched. Within the box is a mix of gifts that bring very mixed feelings. A necklace that he said would help remind me of the slave I am. Earrings to wear at night and a beautiful ring fitting for a free woman with a lustrous stone of deep blue. I was rather surprised by his choice of gifts as a dowry of Companionship. I do not intend on getting my ears pierced because I do not intend on being a slave again. I know what Marcus wants from me but that woman is long gone. He says the hurt and the pain has scarred me and perhaps so. He wants to see the Port Karian wench that he once owned, he wants to see the fire in my eyes again. Perhaps if he looked he would see that there is a new fire, a rebirth of a different Bela. I have been smothering in a cycle of two men that want to keep me as I was.
That brings me to Bela... my Dearest Max and Marcus.. the Bela that both of you have loved died a natural death. Never forget her. Within the ashes of Bela, the Port Karian slut is the Lady Bela Cabot. Brand new, getting to know who she is. Know her.
*fingertip touched over the last paragraph after she wrote it. Melancholy in her small smile as she put the book away. Laying there in the dark for the longest time, she mourned the Bela of long ago with silent tears slipping down her cheeks and that clacking of rod against teeth ringing in her head*
Reck is home. I feel so foolish spying on Thalonius now, and even sure that he had brought harm to him. And look at how I behaved trotting right over to him.. so eager. Hopefully it didn't lift too many brows. It was good to see him and though I keep fussing about business, I do want to get to know him better.... to ask him about those things the wine merchant said. While I don't look at him as a conquest, something about him. I am changing and for whatever reason, I feel he is instrumental in the birth of this new woman I am becoming. Perhaps that he lives to his own step, something I could never do yet now want to try. The strangest thing with him happened. While he was eyeing up Max and politely trying to be on his way.. I was so busy talking that I wasn't paying attention but the moment he was gone.. inside my head as the clicking of that rod against his teeth. Strange how that was. Once he was gone I heard it. During the rest of the day I heard it. Laying in my bed with my mind whirling after the conversation with Marcus, all I could hear and so loudly was that clacking of metal against his teeth. Thalonius now has a few bottles of my wine in his stock yet he is driving a hard bargain. I am being ripped off but soon the tables will turn when my wine is expressly asked for and he doesn't have it to offer. Then he will lower his percentage and we will get along fine. He is not the only shrewd merchant around.
Maximus. The chemistry is there, it always has been there and always will be I imagine. Today was so different, so odd. We sat and talked. I told him the truth, I will always love him but life.. happens. He treated me like a free woman, perhaps that was a first. Usually it was his beating his chest exclaiming that I am his woman and carrying me away. The problems would disappear for a short time but then it would all start again. I wish the man did not have such a roving eye. I had always wished he would take care of his family but no matter how we love each other and always will, perhaps it is best this way. We will meet again. He needs to see his children and our children need to meet their brother. I will not punish an innocent young boy for the mess the adults made. He has asked me to come to Port Cos on occasion to tend to the winery. He says it needs some up keep, I wonder what he has done to my winery! It will be business only and I may need the stored wine there for this contract I spoke to Keiran about. Asperiche is looking to fill a large contract. I wonder how my loved garden in Port Cos is. I made the cottage in Turmus with a beautiful garden very much like the one in Port Cos. I have not yet found where I want a new garden at the Estate. The house that Marcus built is nice but I loved the original house there and the garden that was within the crook of quiet in the back.
Marcus. Our arrangement was easy, for him. While I did not mind it at first.. I can not be that woman of the past that he looks for. He never allowed me choices but now that he does, I am making them with gusto. My choices, my life. Sadly, it is bringing me to a new phase of my life. Last night Marcus discussed with me his desire to contract Companionship for a term of a year. While I do not really understand his desire for this, I told him I would listen to what he brings to the table when he is ready. Marcus and I do not love each other. Once long ago we sounded these words to each other.. the love of Master and slave. My heart was already Max's. Perhaps it was that I loved where he put me, a place I do not desire any longer. He gifted me with a beautiful box with my name etched. Within the box is a mix of gifts that bring very mixed feelings. A necklace that he said would help remind me of the slave I am. Earrings to wear at night and a beautiful ring fitting for a free woman with a lustrous stone of deep blue. I was rather surprised by his choice of gifts as a dowry of Companionship. I do not intend on getting my ears pierced because I do not intend on being a slave again. I know what Marcus wants from me but that woman is long gone. He says the hurt and the pain has scarred me and perhaps so. He wants to see the Port Karian wench that he once owned, he wants to see the fire in my eyes again. Perhaps if he looked he would see that there is a new fire, a rebirth of a different Bela. I have been smothering in a cycle of two men that want to keep me as I was.
That brings me to Bela... my Dearest Max and Marcus.. the Bela that both of you have loved died a natural death. Never forget her. Within the ashes of Bela, the Port Karian slut is the Lady Bela Cabot. Brand new, getting to know who she is. Know her.
*fingertip touched over the last paragraph after she wrote it. Melancholy in her small smile as she put the book away. Laying there in the dark for the longest time, she mourned the Bela of long ago with silent tears slipping down her cheeks and that clacking of rod against teeth ringing in her head*
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Thalonius.. Agents... and more
While I would like to do business with Thalonius, to get the vineyard's label seen in the arena, it was under this guise that I managed to get closer to the man. I was certain he had something to do with the disappearence of Reck. Finally I did ask about him and the merchant started to toss information at me that I am not sure I was meant to hear and imagine Reck wouldn't like me to know. Still, I will talk to him when I see him. Agents and Priest Kings, that is what I keep hearing over and over again. I am going to find out, or try.
I find I miss his presence. Or maybe it is that hint of the old Bela that is missing and seems to breathe while talking to this man. When I close my eyes I can still feel lips against veils, the moisture left there and the wild beating of my heart at the boldness of it all. Still, I am too old for the romantic side of life but needs are a necessary evil and a powerful.. dangerous draw.
I have to be careful with this man. On the one hand he pulls from me a long missed woman, on the other hand, I must be careful with that because of what he pulls from me. It is all rather exciting, like walking the sharp edge of a finely honed blade.
I am so tired of the quiet in my life.
Lets.. make some noise.
I find I miss his presence. Or maybe it is that hint of the old Bela that is missing and seems to breathe while talking to this man. When I close my eyes I can still feel lips against veils, the moisture left there and the wild beating of my heart at the boldness of it all. Still, I am too old for the romantic side of life but needs are a necessary evil and a powerful.. dangerous draw.
I have to be careful with this man. On the one hand he pulls from me a long missed woman, on the other hand, I must be careful with that because of what he pulls from me. It is all rather exciting, like walking the sharp edge of a finely honed blade.
I am so tired of the quiet in my life.
Lets.. make some noise.
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