Dark of Night

It was the Inn that I blamed my inability to sleep. All the noise, the footsteps of boots across the tems. I wondered a few times if they sounded like the walk of Trusk. In reality it was my body that was intent on keeping me awake. Again I have to quell the belly and the urges like I did many years ago when Max first left. By the time Akil met me I had become a woman terrified of touch and he forced his way through the high walls I put up and gave me a place to be what I was. Meeting up with Dawson again was the undoing of the heat let out. Now he is gone and his intensive training of the last hands must be reversed and I must put my body at rest and to a dormant stage again. It is so hard with the heart connected to each part of my flesh. It will be my will that must break the chain.

The night tossed and turned away. My thoughts to Trusk. I saw him briefly from my window as he came back to the Inn. The last conversation we had bringing a newborn hope. I am trying to have a strong outlook, forward movement. Seeking the future like he has urged me to do. Still, the darkness will come and go as the emotions run their course and settle into something liveable. He is understanding and strong. I am grateful for his presence in my life. I hope he feels the same about mine.

A Man Called Trusk

It is funny how things happen. The night I met Trusk the first time, he was treading water in the Vosk river off the shore of Destiny Point. It was the night that I visited there with Lucian. Here was a man who kept me in conversation about the winery and seemed to enjoy speaking business with me and I remember leaving there with a smile and hoping I would see him again. I don't often get a chance to talk about anything and everything. It was quite some time before I ran into him again and now he is my guard.

The timing is perfect. I think it is best that Aris and I have some time apart. In a sense I have run away from home. I can not be there right now and traveling with Trusk seems to let me free my spirit a bit and enjoy it. I have not heard from Max yet so patiently wait for word of a visit with the children but in the meantime I am taking life with fresh approach. Today I am going to find someplace where I can swim. For no other reason but that I want to.

I am very relaxed with him and perhaps it is because I told him the truth from the start. I have nothing to hide and he knows I suffer and am going through a healing process. I find I like him very much. To laugh and chatter, to be talked back to is like a gift. Feeling safe and protected is a plus. The playful woman has not been allowed out in so long that I feel like I act so silly at times but I feel it is very good for me to spread my wings and let myself be as I am.

He took a space in the tarn cot of the Inn to make sure I had a room. I feel so bad that he is out there in the cold so have made sure that the Inn Keeper has extra furs and anything he needs sent to him.

I left him a note with the Inn Keeper last night letting him know that he will soon be Captain of a new ship. "The Wandering Vine" will be finished in about a hand. I am so very excited! Losing such a large percentage of the winery will make this purchase a bit more tight than I hoped. While I am in no threat of the winery suffering for the depletion of cash, still I will not have Aris owning any part of that ship. It will come from my fifty-five percent of the winery. Dawson was a little too generous with what is MINE!

Risk and Regret

I am a free woman now. Aris now owns a portion of my winery and he is kept at a distance from me. Now that he has such a percentage, he can well do the work.


In an effort to show that I was independent I insulted Dawson to the point that he released me. What an error in judgement this was on my part, a regrettable moment that I was trying to be pleasing. The times I have approached him in public, he has acted cool or sent me away so in my thinking I thought to not approach him because I really thought that was what he wanted. The timing of all of this leads me to believe this is more than it is.

He said it himself, from his own lips.. "She is bred and has been given too many freedoms." He did the same thing, he joined the ranks of men he has scoffed at since I have known him. How disappointing he is. I am his prize, his beast, his devoted slave, that can not change just because he says so. I know in my heart I am all of these things. I remember his words from him telling me he would always love me. Dawson does not lie. If I am all of these things to him, why does he not put me beneath his collar and whip and teach me what he has scoffed at all this time? Put up or shut up comes to mind.


I submitted myself to him upon a public path. Without care or thought of anything but him and my place at his feet I stripped and begged him to teach me the error of my ways. He stepped over this woman he loves, the woman he called his prize without care or taking responsibility for what he has created in this woman. One more owner among the many of this planet that doesn't take care of what is his.


Yes, I am angry. I am there for the long haul.. I submit myself to anything he can do to me. I am the stronger.


Yes, I am enraged.


I sat down with Trusk and I told him exactly what I had done today. I told him everything. I told him that I stripped and submitted to be walked away from. I will not lie to the man and let him find out by gossip. I will not lead anyone to believe anything but exactly what I am. One more discarded slave .. a sickness in this society that really isn't this way. Yet, I am a free woman. It was a risk, yet another of a black day in my life. He could have collared me. He had every right to put me in a collar. He did not. He thanked me for the truth and realizes that he might some day find me at the feet of Dawson in a collar. Perhaps he is more optomistic than I but he was kind. He listened and lent me a shoulder to cry on and put me in motion to a future. I am buying a ship for him to Captain to move the wines around and other cargo. While it all sounds grand and will be once I accept what I am given for this so called life .. inside is a dark place. I am sick into my soul.


To mark the worst day in my life I took the dagger that I had purchased for Dawson. It was a gift marking the two years since we were drawn together after all those years past when he first saw me with Jaren and knew I would be his one day. The knife cut deep into the mark Akil put there.. it bled profusely and for a time I let it bleed, to feel the pain of this day, to never forget the worst mistake of mine to date. Over this "A" is cut deep with a "D". Yes, that will probably anger him too but I am a free woman now............aren't I.

More Surprises

When on my way back from shopping I came upon Dawson who looked extremely angry at me. I thought to do a nice thing for Aris by giving him some time off. I know Dawson pays him now but did not realize Dawson has been paying my other guards as well. He is furious and said Claudus would be killed. Well, perhaps I didn't care at first but I really hope he doesn't have to die... he is just not as good as Aris is at his job. While I know I will have to deal with his anger, in a way it is reassuring ..

I wonder if I dare give him the gift I bought him. I wanted to mark the two en'vars.. ah well.

I did as Dawson told me, I went straight back home. I didn't disturb Aris.. he needs some time off and time to enjoy some personal time.

Normalcy

He is home from traveling! Aris brought Dawson up to speed on the work Aris and I did this past hand. I need to find several things.. a ship builder and a kaiila breeder. I will be getting a couple of the beasts for Aris. For this addition I will need to expand the stables to house them. I will meet with a builder this hand to see about starting construction before the winery gets busy.

It was good to see him, I have missed him greatly this past hand.

The Longest Hand Ever..

While I have been extremely busy this hand, still it seems to drag on by as I impatiently try to patiently wait for his return from business. I am rather excited to show him the progress Aris and I have made this week and wonder if he will feel there was progress made.. You can never tell with him.

We have been up at dawn and to bed late. It keeps me busy so I don't get too weepy over the absense of my darling brood. I am fixing a package to send to them with a note telling them I will be coming to see them soon.

I love the vineyard at this time of year.. the air is cold, wilds a bit aggressive from the river. A quiet about the land as it rests and gains strength for the next growing season. The cask makers have been busy and working over time. Aris has been seeing to their bonus for their time put in. All in all, things are running smoothly.

A Project

After Dawson left, Aris and I worked on a project before I had the chance to walk the property and see a bit more of this stable. Dawson will be traveling and so he has set to keep me busy, Aris and I are to work together. The winery is quiet right now. The harvest is in, bottling the seasoned wines won't be for another few hands so the property is quiet right now. Many of the field hands have gone home to their families.

I explored the stable more. The lower level is used for cask building and storage, the upper level sits empty and unused. It seems my guard enjoys training kaiila, perhaps I ought to get him a few to keep him busy. He and Dawson seem to put their heads together quite often. ::smirk::

Each stall explored, it was just a stable but a place that will have meaning to me for some time to come.

It is amazing what good changes can take place when the need before them is much more stronger than the fear. The fears melt away, the confidence blossoms.

Welcome home, Bela.

Peace and Loneliness

I miss my children terribly. On many occasions I will grow weepy over the emptiness of the house. It is the quiet time of the vineyard so the work is not enough to fully absorb me. I haven't heard from Max with a report of how they are doing. I worry over Madeline, I am concerned that young Max me feel a bit lost without Aris. Regarding Maxine, I am concerned for Max having to deal with her moodiness of puberty or perhaps I should enjoy that he is getting his own taste of it!

I have not seen or heard from Lucian in quite a while. Perhaps he has no interest in me visiting Destiny Point any longer. I am not sure what to make of what we are when we speak. At times it feels odd. With Dawson I know exactly what he sees when he looks at me. Perhaps that is the confusion with the Scribe. I do not know what he sees when he looks at me while we speak. I probably will never know, his absense is noted.

I am not sure what status the trip to Bazi is in right now. I have not the chance to speak to Dawson yet he is never far away from me. I am ready.

The side that does not miss her children is very much at peace and rather enjoying this new bit of what life has to offer.

I have been invited to a picnic and await to hear from Chimene on when it is. It is something I am looking forward to.

Continued Changes

It was a moment hard to describe. We had been here once before... Me so quiet, he concentrating and my following the lead with a hushed silence yet so much more was beneath the surface. While I was full of questions and chatter, I didn't give into these urges in more of a need to observe him and the surroundings, the gate that led to this quiet spot. The icey cold water of the fountain.

Yes, it is hard to describe, the exchange by energy.. words didn't need to represent a thing.

I did not tell him .. I went home to an empty house. Two nights prior Max and I agreed that he would take the children for a two month trial period. Already I count the days and I find I worry over our youngest, my sweet Madeline.. is she lonely, is she doing alright without me? She seemed excited about the trip but the last look back at me as she bravely boarded the ship showed she was a bit frightened. I am sure she is fine.. I wonder if I will be. It was time for this day to come, I am just not sure I am ready..

Max's arrival put off the trip to Destiny Point for a bit, I had planned to go there before I left for Bazi but now there will not be time.

Overnight Guest

Maximus arrived with Maximillian bearing gifts for the three children. The reunion was heart warming and filled with laughter. The four children soon with their heads together playing games. Each child so unique and different. Maxine our oldest growing into a young woman, young Maximus greeting his father man to man yet such a young boy hugging his father so tight, Madeline who is so full of energy and interest in anything the others are doing, and Maximillian, a young man so comfortable with his brothers and sisters that you would not think they lived in separate homes. I have to say I enjoyed the evening very much.

Once the children were rapt in their games, I took the opportunity to talk to Max. Something that has been on my mind for a very long time.. something I feel is the right thing to do for the four children more than anyone else needed to be discussed. I have asked if he would like to try a trial period of having our three go to Port Cos with he and Maximillian. Of course this was met with suspician and I could feel Max trying to figure out what I was up to or hiding, as the case may be. He questioned me about Jula, why I left, and what happened between me and Akil. I told him pretty much what happened. Our home had grown quiet and Dawson, whom I had known a great many years before, challenged me to live life and so I did. I suppose Max saw a little bit through the vagueness but what is there to tell. Life is not about enduring it but living it and I have finally stopped waiting for Max. I suppose part of me will always have wished it had turned out differently but at the same time.. living on hope has become very old. I am inspired and my focus held strongly in a different direction. Max said he should pull me over his knee and spank me for my elusiveness and that may have brought a blush to my cheeks and thankfully we didn't have to experience the surprise on his face. He agreed to take the children for two months to start and see how it goes... I am very hesitant, nervous as well but this is for my children, not me. They need to know the City that is theirs, the home that is theirs.. their father and their brother. My greatest fear all along of letting them go was that they would be taught that I am less than their mother. Being their mother is the one thing I have done well, that is one thing I will not have taken away from me.. I have been a good mother. It is time I trust Max to remind them of that on occasion and to not allow our children ever to think less of me. A hard decision but it is done and it will be good for them to have experiences away from home. I have full invitation to come to Port Cos at any time and see them.

It grew late, Max was given a room to stay in and Maximillian stayed in young Maximus' room. I imagine the two boys were up half the night goofing off. Max and I have become so civilized yet I will say that Aris was a bit more protective of the door of my chambers during the night. Aris and Max will probably never mend their fences.

Counsel

I realize that I have no women friends in which to confide or disinterested parties in which could listen without some sort of investment in the outcome. For a long time I have been mulling something over but have been afraid to let the words be heard, afraid it would put the action into motion when I am not sure I am ready for this yet. I took a leap of faith and confided in someone I feared the most to tell these thoughts to. I feel better saying it and facing that I have these thoughts and the guilt that comes along with it. My focus was redirected for me, my view skewed to remember two things. I left this meeting barely able to breath but such a feeling of calm and peace.

Later I saw Lucian at the springs. The trip to KoRoBa is off but I have been invited to Destiny Point to visit. Perhaps I will take him up on that since it is not that far down river. Much like Port Cos yet Max seems to keep getting lost on the short journey. I wait patiently to speak to Max.

Once home I asked to meet with Aris. I am told I can trust him yet I do find I watch him like a herlit, timing him to see if he has the time to sneak off and take meetings with Dawson. He did this before. So far I think he is on the up and up. I brought to him a request that surprised him or perhaps did not surprise him at all. I almost regretted making him part of this but he managed to accept my request and help me. I do not know what has come over me, I am driven to succeed.

Gift of Clarity

I am not sure how it came to pass .. while part of me wants to question this change, it is best that I focus on taking care of what I have been given. And I am. I am not sure what changed in me to be so accepting and so willing. Maybe I am finally understanding that I have nothing to prove .. all I have to do is to be me, to let go and allow myself to be me.

The other day I was given the greatest of gifts. Connection, kind words, a union of emotion. No hashing out a past. I think it may have been the single most perfect moment in my life. It is a moment that I will not soon forget and one that will be cherished for quite some time to come.

I know who I am, I understand my purpose and I will learn to be everything I can be.

History

I had the opportunity to introduce Dawson and Maximus. I have to say it was a civil experience, much unlike Akil meeting each of the two men. I am rather sure the only thing they might disagree on is Aris. Dawson and Aris have a great respect for one another and Max and Aris would prefer to kill each other than look at each other.

Lucian came along a bit later and I found myself in the most interesting of positions. I was surrounded by three of the four men that have had the most influence in my life. Each of them so very different, each of them having great impact on me as a person. Lucian had to find out in the most unkind ways that Sekret had been claimed by another. I was there when the two first came together in a claimed arrangement for many reasons. Two friends becoming one. They have a lot of time together. Later I found him to make sure he was doing well. It is not like I can do a thing to ease that discomfort, only time can do that but I was there. How odd our relationship is now. Once upon a time I was the most beautiful of women at his feet. He always made me feel that way.

Maximus, my Maximus. I had waited for so long for that man to come to his senses and realize we belonged together. Time marches on. His actions are a little backward and for the wrong reasons. His pulling me to his lap might have meant something had we been alone and it was me that this action was meant for. Glaringly obvious that it was for the the others there, a possessive motion. That has been the one consistent thing about him in all the years I have known him. Too bad he never did these things for me but an audience. He seemed puzzled that I would not wiggle on his lap like a robed slut, something I will not do. Soon a woman came along that snagged his attention. I had to chuckle, Maximus will never change. I imagine he met up with her later. Such a charmer that man is.........

Dawson seemed to know the woman too, there seemed a tension between the three.. what a small world it is sometimes.

The Scribe

I had settled to a bench at the springs to enjoy some time away from work. It took me a moment to realize that a man there I knew very well, or had known many years ago. It was his voice that drew my attention, my gaze settled on him in pleasant surprise. Lucian Simon, the Scribe that took me to Port Kar. A man that seemed so reserved to my outward brazenness and boldness. He had surprised me and had been one of the more happier times in my life.

It was very different speaking to him as free man to free woman and not Master to slave. Now I am the one reserved in manner, it is now expected of me, I have never taken my freedom for granted and have never allowed it to give me permission to behave loosely. I suppose a conflicting statement for a woman born into slavery. As a free woman I subdue those urges as expected of me and as Lucian reminded me.. I was always the consummate actress and had an ease in pretending things didn't bother me when really they did.

I thanked him for being the owner he was to me, this may have surprised him. At the time I knew I was very lucky to have an owner like him. He had always engaged my mind alongside his training of me. The trip to Schendi not forgotten, the apartment above his office where many ahns were spent helping him still remembered fondly.

He is different now but not so different.

He invited me with him to Destiny Point. The company of another man and woman there made for an enjoyable eveing. A pleasant evening spent there and our goodnights so formal and proper. It was a restless night spent in the room given to me for the night. Once on my way in the morning, Turmus not far down river, a rented skiff posed a quick way home and a beautiful day to enjoy on the water.

I have no idea how I feel about anything anymore. Have I become so skilled at pretending I am never bothered that I have convinced myself of this as well? Dawson's presence is so huge and in my field of vision, I feel I see nothing clearly at all right now. The Scribe as well unsettling the dust of a better time in life.

As I said to Lucian. Perhaps someday I will be what I really am.

Someday.

Changes

Aris has been fired as my guard. While he has not left the cottage and vineyard, I am rather adept at not seeing him. No longer could I look at him and not feel the pang of loneliness in my heart that he reminds me is there for his "silent partner". Forgiveness is not forthcoming to my traitor of a guard to the payroll of Dawson. I allow him to stay for the children, they see him as a parental figure and he takes very good care of them. Young Maximus is doing well with his warrior training. Many times he has caught me at my desk staring off into space. Once he commented that he knew where I was in spirit if not in body. That was the day he was banished from speaking to me again.

Claudus has taken Aris' place, he has beneath him Jarid and Pethdor.

I have some weighty decisions to make but I seem to have to tangle with my greatest flaw... indecision.

Relief and Regret

A Chapter ends.. I am not surprised, but I regret that it could not find a happy ending in this chapter I had so much hope for. I should come with a warning label stating flat out that everything that goes wrong is 100% my fault, no one elses, only mine. No one need share in the blame of failure with me around. *smirk* I buckled under the pressure.. the weight of the world brought me down. I am relieved and released from the stress of feeling under fire and defensive to a long past. I regret that I lost a friend in trying to make this work. I had misgivings and should have opted to save the friendship instead of the path traveled. Be well, you will be missed.

Again I am free. It suits me fine in most ways, I can see my children and have a grand reunion. I am not sure what to do about Aris right now.. I view him as a traitor to my best interests, he is not yet fired but he is not the guard that will be at my side any time soon.

I am not sure if I can face the Masked man of the cliffs.. I care very much what he thinks of me. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

It is time I am just Bela, free or slave.. simply Bela and nothing but Bela.

Done.

The Cliffs Again

I roam more now than I ever did. Again I saw the masked Master and I was delighted to see him and he brought me a treat! His new girl baked for him and he thought to bring a bit along with him. I spent a bit of time in service to him and he sent me to serve a haughty free woman that seemed more eager to be at a mans feet than any woman I have seen yet. Her attitude and over the edge rebelliousness I am sure got her just what she wanted. Pointedly she asked me if I preferred to be at the feet of men and pointed out the Master Mateo.. of course, I could not lie and told her that yes, it is at his feet I would prefer to be. She sent me off with a smirk and I could see plainly her jealousy that it was I that allowed to kneel there.

Soon after he was leaving to attend some business.. she must of whispered something to him as she passed, she spurred his anger to be sure. He protests his hatred of free women quite vocally but enjoys it just the same.. Men, go figure.

The winery if flourishing but of course, it would be.

The Masked Man

How bold was I tonight. I think it was the way he looked at me at first. His gaze on me made me think about my posture and I did preen a slight for his continued attention. A man on kaiila and a mask worn. I know what he is, I lived with the Tuchuks a time back when Trajen and another took me from the arena. I crept toward him and soon found myself lost in conversation with him. Before I knew it an ahn had gone by and I was still rapt and he with ease seemed to know things about me. A beauty was called to him, he looked at her and knew she would be his slave. She is a barbarian with pale features, dark hair and pretty slanted eyes.

I took my leave to offer them some privacy. I have been invited to visit with him again and I do look forward to doing so. A little giddy from the kiss he took from me, leashed, I was led down the hill. I have become so introverted and reclusive.. I have no idea what inspired my boldness but for a while tonight I was comfortable in my own skin.

Reminders

I bathed a man not my Master nor my Companion. While I felt comfortable in the bath with him, I realized that it had been quite some time since I had been in this situation and this vulnerable to a man I do not know. I was allowed to speak, I have become so introverted over the years. Perhaps a woman in hiding would be that way. Conversation was pleasant, the High Jarl is a nice man and while he was expectant that I would take care of him as he expected, I enjoyed the time. Perhaps I garnered a good word to my Master as now I am back in my world of silence and she-sleen.

I imagine I must be amusing to men such as him, body responsive and mind so prudish. I have watched other free women over time and listened to conversations of other veiled women. In my efforts to keep myself free I became so rigid. Bred for heat and the facade of cool to keep my lovely neck free of metal ring. I suppose I have taken that to the opposite extreme but I am proud of the fact that in freedom, I was not a common slut.

There is much challenge ahead of me and changes as I learn the return to me. I rise in the morning placing my focus on what must be done in the day, letting the rest take care of itself.

Trip to Hunjer

I was taken to a place called Hunjer to visit with Master. It has been a great many years since I have been to the north, I remember living there for a time when Jaren left to live there.. right after I had my Master in fact. When Jaren died, Jarl Bruule took me as his to care for me. It was then that I met Maximus.

The High Jarl and his intended Lady seem very nice. I would enjoy their company if still free. I did end up moving crates around and scrubbing the kitchen floor and other chores as well. I met a curious little animal that batted at my hair as it dragged on the floor, it is rather cute. When I reached out to pet it, I realized that I have been so lonely for such a very long time. Amazing that a small animal can teach that. I found myself wanting to cry but I didn't dare as I might displease. It is very important to me to please my Master and his friends.

I am not sure if it is Master that has changed or if it is me.. perhaps we both have since we parted ways. I must find myself and grow comfortable in my skin while making sure that I do not faulter in my service. I try not to miss my children too much but it is very hard.