The pen goes empty

the pen goes empty .. dry of ink
much like the heart with no well to fill..
no matter how she tries..
the stops and start overs..
it always seems to come down to one..
that brings her mind back to him.

at first sight she was His..
this does not seem to change .. ever..

she will never see him again..
too many things in their way..
the trust long broken and she afraid to believe..
told she was an empty shell.. what else could she be..
there is no room inside for anyone else..

she was certain that her lack of inspiration
was the lack of men willing to Master a slave..
in reality her lack if inspiration is the lack of feeling in her heart..
long ago left somewhere else..

the pen placed down, the book closed..
not to be open again..

Max

I care for the Scribe

Today I bear the marks of my Master, upon me are three bite marks.. to my neck, my hip and to my inner wrist, the bruising there fanning out over translucent skin where the veins can be seen. While that sort of pain is not pleasant, it was like the whipping.. I offered myself for more because I was helpless to do otherwise. His control over me excites me to the deepest of places.

I must admit to feeling a bit defeated today. Carefully guarded feelings are no longer mine, my fears having to be said while he tormented me with denial of movement, everything I was experiencing at that moment with the instruction that it would be said and it didn't start out so badly until he asked a direct question for me to answer. After having to tell him that I felt things deeper than before or that I could not remember feeling things as acutely, he then asked me what that said about time with Max and now time with him. I was caught within my own trap, no movement of aroused body to rely on, my having only the avenue of speech. I tried to evade his interrogation by vagueness and I told him I felt lost before and now I did not feel so lost. He left me sitting there, his touch removed and telling he that I was still lost.

At first I was content to sit there by myself for I felt I had come a great way in conveying to him what I was thinking and feeling but knowing he was on the other side of that bathing room door and knowing that I had committed the crime again of half truths.. it was not long before I was crawling to the side of the tub and confessed what had been so hard to say to him. I told him that I had grown to care for him very much and was afraid if I told him this that he would go away, that I didn't want to wander again wishing I could not feel. This ... this.. was the hardest thing ever to say. He told me that he will not go, that I am his property and he has shown that he does not take these things lightly. I earned his touch again, he pushing me to yield to him quite beautifully and his pleasure found in his slave who cares for him very much..

So begins a new day.. I am defeated by my own entrapment. I confess to caring for the Scribe.. I confess my fears by his having this knowledge. His possession of me deepens.. each day I lose more of my defenses, I am sure he thinks this is a good thing... I.. while it is hard to face a man such as he, to strip away everything to give to him .. it is his now to take. With all the clothing I wear, I feel so naked. Naked.. something he likes to see on me....

Today I bear the marks of my Master.. some quite beyond the surface..

The Gift

There was a surprise left upon the mat for me today. Admittedly it was not expected it and it brought the biggest smile. For the longest time I sat there with the silver wrapped package in my lap, my hands running over the paper trying to guess what it might be. I just had no idea what to expect and when the moment hit that I could not wait one more moment, fingers pulled the blue ribbon free - I just could not stand the excitement any further. Within was the most beautiful writing set ever and a note from my Master. The note will be tucked in this book along with the folded paper and ribbon. Already I write this with the beautiful quill.

To me, this is the most beautiful and thoughtful of gifts. This book always available for him to read as I must hide nothing from my Master.. he has said this so I shall obey. At times I try to hide within myself but it seems he will not allow that either. I must be careful with my feelings for him, perhaps I have no control of such things but I feel him drawing me out, requiring to know more about me, to see all of the things I don't let anyone see. The day I was so angry at him I was remiss in the mention of one of the things I spoke to him about. Something I wanted to deny because he did tell me what he desire in my thinking on this and it has been very hard to shift my thinking.

Guilt. I feel guilty for being where I am, I feel guilty happy in the collar that claims me to someone else. That does not mean that I do not love Max any less but it does mean that I am finding happiness. I think of him probably every day, the hurt and anger now begins to fade.. in honesty I think that the fading of these emotions allows me to turn more to my Owner, to serve him better and to feel for the place that I kneel at his feet. I know where Max will end up .. he is a very predictable man, habitually predictable, but I am beginning to come to terms with that. My Master is teaching me many things about the man Maximus Cabot. By example he does this, he does not have to say a word. My Master is teaching me many things about the woman called bela. Speaking slave is turning out to be a very hard thing to do but the one thing very clear of this exercise is that it keeps my mind on him and the lessons that he places me under.

Yes. I am very happy at my Masters feet.

He said last that I was not to feel guilty for being happy, that I was to serve him because he now owned me and I am in service to him. Each day that passes this is so much easier for me to obey.

Last night I served in the house of Caed and was taken with him to another house to serve, it is owned by a man called Rejar. It was an interesting evening as I saw the woman Mahalah.. hopefully she will not remember that I was the bela of Jaren, or that if she already remembers this that she just could not care less. One thing a bit distressing... the Master Jaeden asked the Master Caed if he could keep me. Thankfully Master Caed said no... kings, I would just be a miserable woman if taken from my Master.

I have known this but it was last night when Master Jaeden said this that I was struck with fear of being taken away from the Scribe. That would be the worst thing that could happen to me..

Gift from her Master

The shell must have an exit

While absorbing my Masters wishes of me I would have to admit to wrestling with a few emotions on the subject. Yes, in a way I want him to want me all to himself, to selfishly keep me from another mans touch, to be that prize in which only he delights in. I do know the role of a slave in society, very well I know this. Seeing Caed once more did remind me what kind of slave I used to be. I tried to read that note that Master wrote to Caed but could not see what was written. My Master did see a bit of that flirty side and it seemed to put a smile on his face yet I do not understand it. I am so conflicted but I imagine that would have a lot to do with so many years as a free woman and Max keeping me to himself. He did say I would serve other men at the end but that was because he was off doing whatever it was he does. Now, I have a Master who is part of my life, teaching me what it is I will be to him. It is daunting but so very exciting. I wake in the night dreaming of him and turn to listen to him breathing while I imagine myself beneath him, feeling his touch .. his weight. I realize with him that there is much of me that has gone dormant.

I try to see myself through my Masters eyes. I try to see myself as he spoke of his desires for me. Over the years I have become very shy and more than likely to watch other slaves service the men, myself very content to do so. I was watching some slave girls in my wanderings and took the time to study the habits of slaves that may not have been held to one man or a free woman. By watching them I learned that I have become very reserved in personality and that I have become more of a companion sort of slave. There are many men in which I have held conversation with in recent times but I have been happy just to talk to them, to tease them and enjoy them from a distance while keeping them company by conversation. I did not seek more. One man had made comment to that by mentioning he was surprised that I was not trying to seduce him but I did not know how to answer him. I was content as I was. One man did take me away for use before my Master purchased me and though I enjoyed the conversation I was of the mind to rush off home when it came to the use of my body. I didn’t, I serviced the man and well but my heart was not into it.

More recently, perhaps I am coming out of my shell a bit. I squirmed well against Caed last night when he kissed me goodbye, but I think it is easy to respond to the familiarity, he was a man I always enjoyed serving. Too, his son I followed around the arena for a bit and was comfortable with him, in actuality I am very comfortable around men, I just do not seek more. There was a man who I served in the main room of the house, I do not know who he was but I displayed myself well for him, hoping he and my Master would be pleased. The woman Sekret was thinking about luring me with the idea of trinkets for stories of old on the heathen Master, Caed. This could be a very lucrative deal for me.

Once back to my Masters room I crawled to his sleeping form and curled at his feet. I am missing him while he works long into the nights, he is a very busy man. As I laid at the feet of my Master, that kiss still felt to my lips, it was a slave I felt like and there is such a contentment settling inside. It is good to be owned by this man, it is good to be back in Port Kar. I do miss and think of my children often, finding I ache for them constantly but I know Aris will see to their well being, he is a good man.

Rebirth of a slave

It was the hardest thing to decide in the first place. I had to give up my hard won status of a free woman, my businesses of wineries.. I was very good at my chosen profession. The hardest thing of all was my children. They would not longer be mine. I think of them and Aris often, wonder where they have gone. When I submitted to Marcus.. he was a man who made me feel like a slave but he did not have the ability to get into the places the scribe seems to find and take possession without a thought. With Max I knew that it would be the easy life of a pampered slave so the decision of being a slave really wasn't all daunting..

Now with the scribe.. there is such a mix of excitement and fright. He wants to see the slave he has not seen and said he will bring her out in me and that I will learn not to think free and as his equal. He said he wanted to see what he had not seen before, use it for his pleasure and exploit it. How can I argue with that. I want to please him, before I wanted them to please me.

I balked when he said today that he would make my use available to a few ... this makes me nervous.. for the longest time I have been a one man woman. Granted I was free and it wasn't proper, plus I was completely devoted to my Companion. Once Max's slave again, being put out for use of other men usually meant a punishment and so when he said this I was sure I had been found displeasing in some way and I closed up feeling very distressed.

My anger was challenged today.. I felt insulted that perhaps he felt I could not be trusted and that he felt that I was shopping for a Master. For the first time that I remember in a very many years, I have a home.. I think He is the best thing to happen to me in the longest of time. Why would I want to lose that.... He made me speak my anger, that I would have no secrets from him.. I insulted him as well and when he spoke his view on things... well.. I do understand.

My Master, he can be so kind... these have been the hardest three days that I can remember and wept this to him as he comforted me for just a moment while not stepping back in just who was in control. How is it I suffer so by his training, his decisions yet it draws me more to him... begging and seeking, utterly miserable in my slavery yet so glad I am here.

I have become a woman of hiding, one who sits back and watches the world, lives just on the surface. Secretly, I miss that bela of old.

He makes me hunger.

Confessions

I sit and stare at this page....

I do not know where to begin.. I am not sure what it is but yesterday something overwhelming happened to me. He studies me, he asks me questions and he holds a conversation with me seeking the information about me that he desires. He listens to what I say, he watches how I respond to him yet, I am not sure he thinks I want to be with him... he is certain that I will someday beg to be sold to a warrior.....

He took me to a place I am not sure I have experienced and when I think back to Marcus... bound to the pole, his whip of my breasts and his rape... he did not even scratch the surface of the slave that I will be with the man, the Scribe.

I feel like I have been cut open and he is reaching in and dragging out a woman who is screaming and trying to go back into her shell.. the first light in her eyes so painful, consuming to the bone and so breathtaking that I am left so confused. I feel so alive, so raw.. so needful yet maybe some parts of me tries to continue to hide.

As he spoke to me, he allowed me against him and I enticed his desires by doing what came natural.. pressing me away from him he stood and led me into his room and once there I was a woman out of control, at his feet, servicing with a hunger from the connection made on the beach yet instead of taking his fill of me he pushed me away and ordered me to the ring in the corner and by wrist I was shackled.. it is quite something to be so vulnerable and helpless to a man and I will confess that I was hot and quite willingly displaying like a whore to earn my slave rape but he instead took a kurt to my flesh.

He seemed to take great delight in this but not in a sadistic way.. Master of slave and her body, he put me though my paces and found I writhed well under he and his whip. He asked if Max had been equally pleased by my writhing, saying I yielded well. I told him Max had never whipped me amid the turmoil yet so responsive body. I think this amused him and he said it was another of Max's mistakes as in such a state, I was beautiful. I will not say I understand what makes a man tick.. I do not understand why he thought me so beautiful at that moment but I do know I felt it and begged blantantly for sexual use. He took me as he was inspired to take me as he pleased, he was harsh and business like, using me simply, nothing more with the command that I was not to release.

Afterward, he put upon me his desires, for three days I can not touch him, I shall eat from his hand.. I shall sleep shackled to the ring. I accepted this, what choice did I have and besides.. I have spent many hands away from Max at the time so three days is a pittance. Yet, why did I seem happy by all of this .. being deprived and such.

He is a man to ponder.

Silence in a Schendi Garden

The ship arrived to Schendi without incident. Master kept me belted unless with him privately in his quarters and there seems plenty of work for me to do while we travel. He has business there that he takes care of himself.

After dinner I accompanied him to a garden and while my attention seemed to be on some bushes that caught my attention as well as the rest there, he garnered that attention to him with a grasp of my hair and a turn into his thigh. Yet it was once that we were alone that he surprised me yet again. Turning me to the bench he positioned me with the instruction that I was to be silent.. that if I made a sound he would take that as my displeasing him. It was the greatest of challenges to be silent while he touched me intimately and pushed my body to speak for itself.. not to be dependent on the pleasure sounds of a slave in heat.

At first I felt it was a sexual control and his desires of me to be silent but I learned quickly it went well beyond that, I was to use my body to speak the things I might say and while I looked at this as an exercise in silence, it was my body speaking so loudly and beyond the arousal he pressed upon me. I wanted to please him beyond the physical gratification so did so with that body of a slave girl. I was not prepared for how vulnerable I suddenly was, not in a physical way but his voice whispered to my ear, his touch just right making me squirm and writhe for more of his touch.. my Master exposed a place in me that was not his to have. Yes, I am a slave with an agenda. I want to serve and like the man.. I don't wish to feel again because of the hurt that sort of activity brings. I did not plan to give him a tear in my protective layers but that flaw must have been there to be found.

He is undermining my steadfast plan to not care again. He seems to know what to do to make me slip up and show myself and the most recent crime of his was that he brought me with him to Schendi.. he didn't leave me behind. On most occasions I am left behind.. he diffused my argument that he might just disappear by not even discussing it with me... just waking me when it was time to board the ship.

When he took his slave there in the darkness, that beautiful garden of the sweetest scented flowers.. the humidity thick in the air making my skin damp and hot to the touch, without a sound I yielded to him unlike I have to him yet, it was more than a hot slave finding release, it was a body speaking for the slave things she does not wish to say. He said next he would have me speak by word and I simply dread that day.

Where did my Master come from.. was it my fate that he would simply show up in my life?

The Scribe.. .. my Master.

Canvas for an Artist

My Master excites me. He caught me primping today and teased me saying he didn't know I needed to be primped in order to be beautiful, the Scribe has a wonderful sense of humor. He said I was non-refundable so would have to deal with the playful reasons why I needed to primp! As he sat at his furs I crawled to him and crawled like a sensual beast on the prowl -- his gaze upon me told me just how he enjoyed watching me come to him in such a way and as I tipped up to kneel then, splayed and luscious he in turn placed me back to my hands and knees and as the finishing touch the camisk I wear was whisked off of me to billow around my knees to rest. He is a subtle man and touched me in the slightest yet pulled so much from me without much effort, it did not take long before I was indeed feeling his presence before he was up and walking away to his desk, returning with ink and quill.

Once he settled beside me, he began to draw and make art out of his slave called, bela. What I found was an intimacy that I had not experienced from such an activity. He took his time making his drawings just as he wanted them, waiting for the ink to dry and while he worked on this art he found his slave relaxing under his touch, approaching an arousal that is simply not comparable to sexual arousal of just sex. I think that unassuming Scribe ventured further into a woman that I did not think could be penetrated past a certain point. Once he was finished and satisfied he then got some water and a cloth and washed the ink from my body... this was done with a minor change in my position as it was obvious I was a very soft and needful slave.. my cheek pressed to the fur as he continued to touch me, washing my skin clean of the ink. Once finished he pushed me down to the fur and rolled me over to my back. As I lay there looking up at him I realized that primping was not really a needed activity for at that moment I had never felt so beautiful as I did right there, flushed, warm, writhing beneath his gaze as he stood there watching what he had done to the woman he owns.

He said perhaps when the warmer weather came that he would paint a mural of a slave that looked like me, posing as I was for him, this time on my back it would be in color with a warrior or tarnsman watching this slave. He said something exciting... as I lay there I could do nothing but look up to a man that excited me more at that moment than I had been in a long time. He is different then most of the men I have known. He is taking his time and unwrapping me from outside to in.. digging for that hidden woman that he will possess. I told him how he excited me and he chuckled swearing me to secrecy.

Why our paths met, I will never know....

A Scribe full of surprises

The scribe returned early from his trip and I found that I was more excited to see his return than I had imagined I could feel. He saw that I had managed well in his absense and was pleased with my work for him. There is however an undercurrent there and I attempt to look at him as I have other men, just a man that wants a soft and supple slave nearby for nothing more than pleasure.

The Scribe has turned the tables on me.

A man that I thought I would be timid and closed off to a slave like me, a man that I was certain that I would be the teacher... he.. is full of surprises. I had not known how to behave with him, usually I am bold and brassy with no qualms to seduce a man yet I have been so careful with him because he was so different. I didn't want to scare him away.. I am sure that was what was on my mind because I found that I wanted to be with him and this too was something I was not prepared for. And what did he do? He pricked my skin and got underneath and when he decided that he would have me as a slave beneath him.. sly man, he handled me perfectly, exacting what he wanted from me while leaving me in shock and breathless and ... hooked. He informed me that he would buy me from Aris and if not, he would steal me. I was excited yet sad at the prospect. He had read my journal and felt he had figured out much about me, the slave called Bela. He asked me about my children, my life.. This is a man that is drawing me into his life as part of his life.. this is so different from what I know. Max always felt like a visitor in my life and it is amazing that it has taking many years to finally see that.

The Scribe took control of me last night.. me, silly woman that thought I would teach him, he turned and had my body leaping in lovely submission beneath the skill of his touch and command of me in its entirety... release was swift and from nowhere.. my body writhing well beneath his. But it goes way beyond sex.. I have let him past the walls I keep up or perhaps he will not let them stand in his way..

Today he met with Aris.. today he purchased me without my being there and told me later as he used the key to unlock my collar, his collar replacing the one I wore. He said the old collar would be gotten rid of, he would not have it around as a reminder. This is permanent and I will step into a future with him. His quiet characteristics are not to be believed as he well had a handle on the woman that is now his slave and he will have me serve him in perfection. He told me I might see Aris again some day but too he told me that I would not see my children again as he is breaking all ties to Maximus. It is in the best interest of his slave...

A Scribe. My Master.

The Scribe Returns ~ do I live again?

The scribe shortened his trip and came back early. While Aris let me stay to work for him I found I was eager for the scribes return and have adjusted well to Port Kar. That shyness seems to be fading away in some ways yet intensifying in others and I don't quite understand why I am being so careful. In my subtle teasing of the man yesterday I found something happening inside and yet I am so different with him than a man I simply serve.. there is nothing simple about serving him.

He touched a place I deemed untouchable. I could not escape the gaze that rested on me and his touch to my hair brought a seeking woman, one who has kept her distance. My kiss to his palm was meant in more than begging for a pet, something exchanged between us and I wanted to roll to my back and writhe to him begging. Soon after we left and I quite shaken though I hid this in all the walls I keep up. Could it be I am ready to step free …

Once to the apartment I was summoned to him by crook of finger and he quite surprised me as he gathered my wrists and pulled me to him, there was nothing more sensual than feeling his lips to mine so brief then to my neck and over my shoulder. So drawn to him, my body reached, moving into him in a needfulness, his whisper to my ear that this would stop and he would talk to Aris. I hope he does.

I am not sure from where the Scribe came.. maybe I finally opened my eyes to really look at the world around me.

Maximus will stay in my heart forever..

I hope the Scribe wants to keep me.

Delivered to the Scribe

I am not sure what has come over me. I have grown very careful with myself and as much as I love Max it just seems that I am so tired inside and can no longer bare having to deal with the constant rejection. For the last hands I was perfectly happy being alone and checking in with Aris. I just seemed to need that time to ignore everything and just function. I find it amusing that on the same day I said that I was ready to think about what would happen to me.. I saw the scribe amongst the rest.. he just sitting there quietly but what a presence he had and he... got a woman who is working hard to protect herself to open up and even ask him to take her. Perhaps it is time and perhaps I am ready.

Aris met with Lucian and the business transaction was made between them. I will be with Lucian doing office work for a hand, while he is away the following hand he has the option to keep me there working until his return. I imagine it would depend on the workload and if Aris likes me not being there.. Aris.. I found it hard to part with him yesterday, I have been under his care for years now and it is he that at least was a constant. I must confess that I miss him a bit more than I thought I would and I hope he is doing well without me.... I wonder if he feels the same.

I am a slave.. a very bold slave and never have I had pause to think about my behavior to a man until now.. Perhaps I want to please him more and with he being a Scribe, I feel like I should be less the slave that I am?... He is a man.. a Gorean man and there should be nothing about my behavior that changes but I find myself wanting him to want me nearby so I tread carefully until I know him better. I wonder if this means that I will writhe beneath him better than most.... He intrigues me so and well.. he attracts me. I organized the work today and started to sort and file things from the desk but many times I found myself drifting into thought and thinking about him.. that hold of my hand from the first night with him, the way he looked at it, then rested it back to his chest, his over mine possessively. He is so different from Max. He excites me. I hope he likes having me around....

I meet a free man, the Scribe

I rushed home looking for Aris tonight and it looks like he is at the paga den again. I am not sure if he met with Marcus or not about a job but there is someplace I can go to be useful.. and work. And .... I will beg my heart out to make this happen!

I met a man... a scribe and I found I wanted to go with him, to help him work. There was just something about him that drew me. I am a bold slave but usually it is my seduction of them as a slave. This man I was bold with but in different way. I asked him to take me with him! I asked if I could come work for him. He will meet with Aris to make the arrangements necessary.. I am so excited. I will be going to Port Kar where he lives.

It will be good to fill the empty ahns of my long days. I have to face that Maximus is gone and too... for the first time in a long time there was a longing.. a longing to belong and with this Scribe I will be busy and be around people as well. It is a wonderful opportunity and too... I really like him... I did not want to leave him tonight...

The end of the Thief's whip

I do not remember the last time I was whipped. Marcus whipped me but it was to remind me my place before he raped me while bound to the slave pole. Punishment wise? I am not sure Maximus ever did lay a whip to my skin, he usually would leave when I was out of line after chaining me to his couch.

Today.. my mouth earned me a whipping.

Today, the Thief called Mortis punished me and I deserved it. I am glad he did not cut out my tongue like he said he might, that blade scared me as it sat on my tongue and when that dull edge of blade moved over my throat, I did think for a moment that maybe I was learning a lesson I would not have the chance to learn from. Instead he commanded me to position and I endured the fall of his whip by five lashes. He was not easy on me, nor tender or kind when done. I kissed his feet as he ordered me away from him yet I wanted to writhe and beg him to fall on my body and violate me completely.

He confuses me. I hope to see him soon.....

Quiet Garden in Ar

It was over a hand now and the woman known as Bela, the one that did not care that Max was gone, good riddance! or was it.. Yes, anger possessed her and her not care attitude but then the days began to pass and while she was sure she would not feel a thing that he had left, he had so many times before... Bela began to feel the walls close in on her.. she felt she could not breath, after all, he was her very breath. But he was gone.. he would not be seen again so now what, where did the woman pick up after a dozen years loving one man so much.... Would she begin to die? He did take her heart.

Now just a woman of loss often found in this quiet garden in Ar... dancing the pain of love lost. The blooms and fragrance her saviour... a talendar in full bloom picked and slid behind her ear, the vibrant red standing out to accent the woman dark of hair, so green of eyes and so fair of skin. So feminine yet of Port Karian blood and known to be vibrant, vicious and aggressive. Yet now in that lovely garden of Ar, the slow twirls as hands lifted, fingers drawing up her hair to let it fall in slow release of silky locks, eyes closed and the soft smile as she let her mind drift to happier times. The pause in her step and a look behind her over shoulder, leading foot stilled in step, toe pressed into the soft grass and as her heel lifed, it was him that she saw.. he stood looking at the woman who he had made so beautiful, after all how more beautiful can a woman be than one submitted to her love for him. He smiled, she turned slowly, arched and statue like, the body of woman in perfect display, fingers drifting along her sides, framing the loveliness that he gazed upon as the roll back of her head brought on a dance of love. Before his eyes she came alive, hips in slow gyration... calling to him as the flush of skin, and subtle turn of her hip spoke volumns more than a common slut grinding herself to orgasm. Gorean dance and art of emotion and this woman danced .. love.

Turns perfection.. sleek body of toned muscle, the flat of belly easing out to tempt him as she drew so slowly that silk garment up to give a tease... that shadowy patch barely seen and the flicker of eyes that held a smile as one hand lifted, letting go of the silk, beckoning to him with a curl of finger, her lips whispered... "come see, come see what you do to me..." The lead of hip, the turn as she moved into a slow spin, the soft moans needing to be heard because within his eyes, she was helpless... so helpless. Fingers crawled.. the silk lifted in such a slowness, temptress.. seductress as she rolled her hips feeling the heat spread through limbs.. centered in the pulse of her belly. More loose her movements, liquid and without effort as that hem of silk allowed the wink of gold belly chain resting there... hips thrust, the turn bringing the kick up of one foot, she, Bela, such a flaming tease.. that silk touching over sensitive nipples and he could see how he affected her. There was nothing more than a slave.. a woman.. knowing where she belonged, how her body begged, how deliciously she moved... those sounds now the softest of whimpers. Silk, crimson, shimmering, fell from her body to land to the manicured grasses of the garden. She, breathtakingly needful, chest lifting as her breaths were more labored and not from the dance but circumstance... of her.. being a needful slave within the eyes of the man that loved her.

What would he have done with her that very moment as she danced herself toward him... so needful.. His. So vibrant... His. So devoted... His. Eyes opened.. it was she laying in the grass of the garden, in that quiet corner that she had come to call her own. Her dream over and she didn't even look.. he would not be there. She dared herself to glance... just maybe his being gone was just a bad dream and she finally did sit up and look but it was as she thought, the garden was empty.... Her hand set down to the grass as she half turned with lowered head, beneath the fall of hair the woman.. Bela, wept.

Realizations

What happened to the Bela I know.. I .. used to be a slave that men fought over to own. Now... I am just another one of those slaves wandering aimlessly. I hate Maximus for leaving me.. I hate Aris for reminding me that I lack direction and any form of day to day life except wandering hoping for a bit of attention. How pitiful I am, how depressing my life has become.

The only man that seems to know I am alive is a thief residing in Port Kar. Yet.. I am just a slave.. hot and a slut amongst the many he keeps company with, nothing special, just a slut he calls Bela. I serviced a man the other morning, it held nothing except for the sex.. that is what I am for I suppose but it is new for me ~ I was always the desired slave...

The lessons we learn.

The Seduction of Aris

Aris had business last night and told me he would speak with me on some things upon his return, he with his small entourage left the ship and suddenly the ship was like a prison, so quiet, lonely, and I began to weep, pitifully for myself and my family. It was a time later that I woke up and crawled from Max's bunk, the ship still quiet so I took a long hot bath to think about things..

Max's departure will forever leave a scar that will not heal stacked upon the others he has left through our long history together. I will have no need to speak on him again... my life without him will speak my pain well enough.

As I finished I heard boot steps on the deck and it was towards that sound that I followed after silks were slipped on, maybe.. just maybe it was Maximus? To the corner I stopped and held my breath as I looked around, it was Aris and I stepped back before he could see me, my disappointment clearly seen on my face.. pressed against the outside wall of the cabin I had to fight the wash of tears that threatened again. Aris though did not miss much and he bellowed my name knowing I would fly out from the darkness and end in a kneel at his feet, I looked up at him and forced a smile, he himself looked tired and haggard. Paga was his first order of business and as I came back with the cradled bowl, I approached him, a man that had always been there for me but didn't seem to want me.. I lowered to kneel keeping the vessel tight to my breast.. splayed my thighs and arched with a small whimper of slave woman begging touch. To this he lifted his brow and leaned an elbow to leg to watch me better. For him I displayed a whore begging for his touch, a slave who begged to be touched by the strength of a man such as him. The bowl lifted and my lips upon the side lingered .. I didn't yet offer it but let him watch me kissing the bowl like I would his lips.. my body leapt to response, clearly through the silk he could see erect nipples and the tell tale squirm upon my heels, the bowl was offered and he took it from me and drank deeply as he was content watching me for what seemed the longest time.

It seemed forever to me.. his dark eyes and I began to tremble as for so long I had fought my desire to service him because of how I felt about my Master. Too, he had been my dearest friend when I was a Free Woman and Companion, he seemed so angry at me when I submitted myself to slavery.. and perhaps angry that I had not come to him but stepped around him to get to Marcus, a man who makes me feel my slavery so.. So there Aris seemed to stare at me, kneeling there hot and sassy.. would it be a stare off? I almost chuckled but there was an intensity sitting between us so rich that I had to look away and out towards the water for a time to collect myself. He of course did not miss this and tapped his thigh for me to come closer and spread out his boots to give me room to come in close to him. I will admit at first that I was shocked but I seemed to move without thought and in between his legs, I looked up at him for a moment and boldly lifted my hands to release his leathers, the laces slipping free with ease and his amused expression to me as he grabbed me by the hair. His voice low and exciting told me I had better please him well, I had better not be a common slut.

Of course what could I do.. my mouth upon him and an eagerness that brought a startled sound from him, oh yes, I felt the urge to make him pay for all of the times he touched the slave, Ivy, and not me.. silks were slipped free and I was ravenous and enticing, pushing the man beyond his limits.. he growled and pulled me from him and tossed me away from him. I landed in a sprawl with a cried out gasp, he seething as he looked at me as he must have suddenly remember all of his pent up anger at me. My palms to the deck, on my hip and half twisted and I looked him, breathless I was and taunted him with a slow lick of my lips telling him without word just how delicious he was... I moaned and writhed there right where I laid, he glared down at me and told me I was a taudry whore... I smiled and crooned, "yes, Master." But no, I did not stop, I pushed him with the sights of a writhing slave girl, there on the deck before his feet, moaning and begging for slave rape by a man that just as soon choke me.

He lunged at me and I screamed out in fright but he was on me like a hungry larl.. my body like a ragdoll beneath him as I was no champion to his strength. I found myself pinned by the hold he had on my throat, the collar there the only thing keeping his strength from cutting my breathing. I was getting scared as he seemed intent on hurting me but suddenly as I turned to try to get away from him, fingers scratching along the planking of the deck, I was forced down and mounted by him, his eyes dangerous and his mood very dark.. I whimpered yet my body responded to perfection, writhing and arching, hips lifting as his thrusts were harsh and a lesson to all of my taunting. He raped me soundly for ahns of time and finally lifted my withered and bruised body to carry me to his bunk with him, I slept wrapped around his legs, where he wanted me. He awoke several times during the night taking me by the hair to service him until he had his fill...

In the morning he dragged me up to him and held my head into the crook of his neck and whispered to me as he held me tight against him. He told me he would be taking me to Ar, we would live in an Inn there. He told me Max had walked out on his responsibilities for the last time and that he was going to raise these children that he had been more a father to. As he said these things, he knew I would grieve and hate him for what he was doing, he held me tight and listened to me break down as he took me away from my Master... a Master that was never there. He explained that all would be well, he would allow me to see the children at times until courses in my life changed that. I told him I hated him, he said he knew this and I had no choice in things, it was then he rolled over me and took me tenderly this time, no brutality yet still making me move well and cry out in submission as relentlessly he drew my passions from me over and over, when he felt he had taught me well enough, he did not stop until my body gave in to him again and then it was he smiled and let me sleep.

When I awoke, we left for Ar.

The Message

True to form my beloved Master runs yet.. again. This time a business proposition, Aris just smirked and said an assortment of things that I listened to as I held the paper, he has taken possession of my care. At least he does not abandon me. I think back on the last hands.. finally meeting my Master through the various messes of a dozen years even if I have been with Max through most of those years, at least I know that man, my love Master. My heart forever his but I am not even sure I care he goes away for the umpteenth time, it gets pretty old after time. Yes, I lie to myself as my Master has just left with my most precious commodity, my heart.

I have to face that my Master is beautiful with words to lift a woman and her spirit up but it is the fall where those words do the most damage. He is quick to speak, short of dedication and with ease walks from his responsibilities. I know he has these flaws and it never stopped me from loving him with everything I am.

And so I am alone but with me is his love.. he has told me these things.. I am the one he hunted down swearing nothing would come between us again. I believed...

Forever our hearts are entwined.
Forever I am His.
I am His.
His.
His.

His....

/mun weeps - you are loved, my sweet.

Meeting at the Cliffs

This morning I went to the cliffs in my wanderings, home base rather lonely and there does not seem much point in sitting there and waiting sooooo... I wandered and came upon two men, brothers that were recently reunited. The man that had been away for a long time was a handsome man and his brother called him, Reeve. I served them and was a lovely bit of flesh to gaze upon and was rewarded by the man Reeve taking me to his camp to put me to use.

A lovely beast I was beneath him and I was glad that his return brought him a slut to serve him well as he used me quite a few times over the course of a very long morning. He is recently home from Klima and has not had a woman in a very long time. Too, he seemed rather new at the Mastering of a woman sexually so such a subservient beast I was and he by the time done with me was confident and handled me quite well.

He says he will find me again..

The Secluded Cove

After my ordeal with the man Milo yesterday, I took that hot bath and once my chores were done I headed to the springs. Mostly, I wanted to soak my hip in the comfort of the hot and bubbling springs as I am in quite a bit of pain but I think it is not something I should bring up. The deep bruising will fade soon enough. As well, I needed some distance and sought it with Aris' permission by this trip to the springs. I swam with the man from Port Kar, Mortis, as he is quite a bit of fun, he though ended in a scuffle and I ended with Ivy wagering over the outcome of the fight. When it got a bit too rough, the two of us were hoisted onto Marcus' shoulders and he took us to a quieter pool. Dumped into the pool, my silks were deposited into a pile by the side of the spring and I watched Ivy sent to Aris to service him. I will admit I am boggled by this interest he has in Ivy and truly wonder why I get the glares and indifference.... perhaps... I will seduce him.

Left alone with Marcus now I found myself a bit nervous as our last encounter had run me off to protect myself from hurt and confusion. Love and loyalties sometimes blind me to what I must do as a slave. Perhaps that is why Marcus is a draw for me. I crave him, he keeps me in check because it is so easy for me to fall back on how I love Max and the easiness to isolate myself away from other men. I am no longer a companion.. I am a slave, a hot blooded slave long asleep. It was easier to become a free woman than to re-introduce the slave that once was.

I had expected cruelty from him again but he caught me off guard and was nice. He has his views, he see's himself as my Master while owned by another and I will admit that I do seek out his attention .. perhaps I am a selfish woman.. Marcus put me to use, I had not been with him in that way since the night I was chained to the post in his chambers and upon that post earned the privilege to sleep wrapped around his legs. Once past my heart I do writhe well, like any other slave and once done with me he left me on the rock and had me perform my slave needs while he watched. Soon I was sent away from him and Aris done with Ivy collected me and brought me back to Max. My Master was not there and it was not long before I was bathed and asleep, I woke some time later and he was there next to me sleeping, smelling like the paga den he had gone to earlier in the day.

Maximus ~ much of the night I watched him sleep. I am so angry at him and feel a level of hate for him right now that I can not easily shake yet... he is my Master now and I must obey him, in that I am heated. Forced to endure what I must, He putting me to task making me being what I am now. He has changed... he was once my Owner and I loved him anyway.. now he is being my Master.. I love him more. Emotions will fade.. as he said yesterday, it is his right to know everything I feel and think...

I think .. finally.. we have traversed the rocking waves and dangerous rocks.. do I dare think that we have taken the turn on the bend to smooth sailing? one can hope.

Putting Our Past Away

Today was a day of challenge. Master found a page had been torn from my journal and I had to explain what was written there and why it was torn out and burned. I explained that I had seen Marcus and the slave, Ivy, the day before and in a very short instant on their leaving I was shown that I had not given myself wholly to Max or to Marcus. It seems that I allow myself an escape hatch and when this was pointed out to me by Marcus and his brief look the other night I had to face myself. I am torn and conflicted by these two men. Each having made such an impression on me in their own way. Master made it clear I will not hide from him and that I will not write here what I think he wants to hear.

He told me to get his tunic and when I had, he fished from it and handed to me an announcement. I went numb when I read this about the birth of his son, a son that was very close to the age of our daughter and oddly enough the childs name the same name I would have named our son if Madeline was not brought to us. It seemed only fitting that Maximus would have a brother by his uncles name having seen the Max's together so many years ago. My fury came out and I was reminded that I am a slave now and felt it unfair that I could not react to a suspicion that was realized from my free life. I knew Max was away too much for nothing to be going on. Some heated accusations came from this discussion and I in my anger grabbed the journal and went running to the side of the ship to throw it in the river, he was right after me and threw me to the deck of the ship after getting the journal from me. Growling at him something about trust he informed me that I was not free anymore and that he was my Master whether I liked it or not and that I would give him what is rightfully his, which is .. me. Normally those words would bring joy to my heart and they did underneath it all... but that was overshadowed by the betrayal I feel.

He dragged me down to the bunk of Milo, a crewman, threw me in there hobbling from the ache in my hip from the fall to the deck and shackled me there. Milo was summoned and soon the sweaty man was in the bunk and on top of me for ahns as I fought like an angry larl, he did not care as he raped me several times. Of course I was a slave beneath him, my body pleasing even if my mood was not. To hear the cheers of the men when he emerged from his bunk just made me scream.. Aris unshackling me and me running for a hot bath, peace and quiet.

No more am I the coddled slave of Maximus Cabot.. the first collar I wore of his was studded with emeralds... I now live shackled and put to service upon his whim, my neck encased in simple steel with his name.. I find myself happier than I was when that coddled slave. It will take some time to put away these feelings of betrayal and too, my Master is not giving me a choice.

Had a been a free woman today, I would have walked away from him and never a look back. This is not a privilege of mine anymore. Now, I am enslaved to him and this forces me to be at his feet loving him. I am not sure how I feel about this at this very moment but one thing I am sure.. I was glad I was not a Free Woman today.