And then one day

We found after some time together that we are both talking, really talking and we both realized about the same time that we were in fact talking, and mature. In the many years of Maximus being in my life and through all the anger, desire, frustration, fighting, love, hate and every other display of emotion between us, it was this time with him that I found I enjoyed more than I can express simply by the act of communication and both of us feeling heard. We both listened, we both spoke our concerns for ourselves and each other. I can appreciate his not wanting to hurt me again... I offer him home, not random comfort but know him well enough that maybe he is not ready.

I showed him the letter I wrote to Maxine, he feels I should let her read it now, to let her know me before she learns of me through someone else. I suppose it would spare her shock and possible humiliation to find out I was a slave, her fathers love slave. I suppose it would take away a fear I live with daily. I will admit that I am scared but I will do what is best for our daughter. Max was affected by the letter and while we both face things about us that hurts, still, we communicated, shared, accepted each other and even helped each other through the initial pain by the offer of a smile or a light caress.

While legally I am not his Companion and may never be again.. it is my heart that is committed to him and it will stay that way, it simply can not be any other way and we both knew this the day we met.

Drac had some good suggestions.. I imagine he thought we were both out of our minds listening to us say the same things but differently.. it was so different from the day we stood before him in our Companionship ceremony.

Is it possible to rekindle that thing he misses? Yes.

To Maxine, Beloved Daughter

Our oldest daughter turns 18. I look at Maximus and I do not see a man that has an 18 year old child. She is beautiful, so very beautiful and currently content to learning the winery business with me in Port Cos. She will do well filling my shoes in just a few years. My life is riddled with mistakes but the two things I have done well is being a mother and my work.

Of late I look at her and reflect on my life. What would I tell her, what advice can I give her. Love hard and don't regret it. Love hard and mean it. That is the easy part. My heart says, dear daughter, don't do what I have done. Know your mind and live it. She has the benefit of being born free and raised free, she was protected from my mistakes and I hope that she will never be hurt by the cruel people that I know are out there. What would I tell her about regret? A lot. What if she looked at me and said, "Mama, what do you regret?" I would say I regret forcing myself to forget what can not be forgotten, I regret hurting others to fill the void of emptiness.

My Dearest Maxine,

You look in my eyes and see a mother that loves you and your brother and sister more than life itself. You do not see the woman of indecision, the woman that has run through life on ricocheting emotion. You do not see the woman that reacts and acts without thinking. You do not see the woman who has had times in her life that she was so scared she would choose the wrong path for herself. You do not see the woman that would lie to herself trying to convince another that her heart was there with them when it was dying without your father. This is the woman I hope you will never know and if you should ever find this journal in your possession I hope you will remember that I love you.

My Dearest Maxine, do not be like me.

My Dearest Maxine, be just like me.

Do not be afraid to love. Do not be afraid to fight for it when it is what is most important. Do not stand down feeling doubt and afraid when you really feel you know your heart and mind. Do not try to veil the truth of your heart by giving it to another. If I can tell you one thing and one thing only... if you love one man, you can not find love with another no matter what you convince yourself. Do not repeat my mistakes.. in this one thing I know what I am talking about. In my hurt, anger, hate and intense love, I have tried to convince myself that I loved other men that were not your father. Do not lie like me. These are footsteps that I forbid you to follow. I hope you love a man like your father and I have loved each other. I hope you take better care of it than we have.

Life had to stop, I had to stop running from the pain. The last years have been good for me. Work and raising you has brought my life into perspective. I will not apologize for loving your father. I will not apologize for being unable to deny him. I will not feel guilty nor ashamed for loving one man for a great many years. I do apologize to the men I have hurt thinking I could. I apologize to you, Maximus and Madeline for letting you down even when you didn't know I did. Know that it will not happen again. Know that after many years I have grown up.

I will probably never have everything I want or be with the man I want to be with as companion and partner in life but I am proud of you, I love you and you have made the good side of me outshine anything I ever hoped to achieve.

Thank you for being my mine.

Mama.