Onward I Go

I have never been a woman to let grass grow under my feet for long. There is only so much I will take before my life is firmly taken into my control again. I steer my course. It is the way it has to be. Sometimes I sit and watch women in the commons, women that can't seem to accomplish a thing without a man to cling to. Their days seem put to finding a man rather than finding themselves. They wander aimlessly unless they have a man to follow. Then there are those women that will stand up and make sure the world knew they were here and that they made a contribution. I will be a woman of the latter group, thank you very much. Whether I ever have a Companion again or not, I will leave my mark on this world in the success of my wineries and the promise of my children's future. I "need" nothing more. That does not say that in time maybe I would "like" more.

Before I left I pressed a kiss to his sleeping brow. It was rushed and welcome. The connection just as deep as ever. I left our stolen time with a smile and the promise of more. This is a promise I shall keep. This is a promise that will bring me back to him time and again. For now, I need nothing more. This is something that I want.

I stood on the deck of "The Wandering Vine". She is a fine ocean worthy vessel. The slow trek down river was very pleasant. My destination Port Cos and to my family. Our reunion was another wonderful moment of my life. I have settled in and gotten into the routine of the childrens lessons. I left Aris with the winery unsure how Max would handle Aris in his house. However the children do ask about him and miss him very much. Aris has been a staple of their lives since birth. I hope to see Max soon, I understand he has been busy yet the days go quickly managing our brood.

Yes, this is the direction life should take. I am content to have things as they are. I will be seeking out a new City to build a second winery that will be mine. This time will be a City with an active population.

Return to Turmus

With Trusk's hasty departure, I had to book passage back to Turmus from Ar and that left only Nigel with me. Suddenly I was questioning being so far away from Aris but this time away from him was needed and too, I must do some things on my own and I know I am heavily dependent on him. He has been with me for a great many years.

Plainly, the journey was horrid. Conditions on the way home were a bit less than I have grown accustomed to but I had a chance to practice the patience I do not possess. Highly irritable by the time we pulled into Turmus it was Aris I saw first; before I knew it I was in his arms weeping against him. I suppose it is true, you can't run from emotions, they only wait for your return to the places you feel safe. So far I had been able to push off the pain by keeping busy and focusing on business, it was only a matter of time. The ride to the winery was talk about the winery and Aris said there was surprise waiting for me there. While he wouldn't tell me what it was, I know for a fleeting moment I knew what I wished it was but soon we were talking about the morning. I would have a good night sleep and we would meet over a long breakfast and a pile of papers. The bottling had gone well and I had an overflowing warehouse of case upon case of perfect wines!

I realized he was taking me the long away toward the house. The winery calmed me, soothed every travel ache and pain. I breathe well here. Surrounded by my success. I noticed he avoided the road to the stables which was the quickest route to the house. This brought me to ask, "Have you seen him?" He looked at me tenderly, he perhaps was amazed by how long it took me to ask but nudged me as the wagon came to a stop and pointed outward toward the river and grinned. "Surprise", He said.

I looked out toward the river and screamed. There she was! I was off the wagon and running toward the docks and stopped dead to look at my ship! I own a ship! My business will grow, I own a ship! Majestically she rocked softly with the river waves. A small crew I noticed worked on her. Aris came up beside me and said we had a Captain though he felt Trusk would have been better. I had to agree, I miss him and looked forward to the adventures that were to be had on this ship. However the crew was busy making minor changes or adding a shelf here or there. I came aboard to give my inspection. I got a few looks but looked right back. This was my gold I was standing on! I did have to take out a small loan on the property to finish paying for it but it will be worth it ten fold.

I went into my cabin and looked around. I remembered the teasing between Trusk and I. My saying that I would decorate with pretty colors and pretty things. He firmly told me no or the men would be in a riot in no time. Of course I planned on smuggling some things in. Once in my cabin, how would he have known? The smile faded for a moment but I let that moment pass. After well over an ahn of going through the entire ship I stepped out to the dock. We will christen her the first voyage out which will be down river toward Port Cos. I need to hug my children.

I stood for a long moment looking at her name boldy painted, "The Wandering Vine". The winery and the ship aptly named. It describes us all. I watch people that have known people forever, have thrived in the same place for so long. Such a longing there is in my heart to be like that. Settled, part of a community. Remembered.

Once back to the house, I finished up a few details with Aris and closed myself in my room. After a long hot bath and laid in my bed for ahns, restless and exhausted. Glad to be home even if now it meant dealing with the things I ran from.

The Exit of Trusk

Trusk came to me rather grim in mood. We sat and looked at each other for the longest time, I could see the tense flexing of his jaw, something he does when deep in thought or on the edge of anger. He looked at me and finally said that he had word that he was needed elsewhere, that he had some business that required his attention. I watched him for a time, seeing the look in his eyes, watching his carriage. Something was going to need his attention, I could see it clearly.

I hid the disappointment, it was so very hard to do. Perhaps he knows me well enough by now to know how deeply I will miss him. I tried to make light of it, asking that he come back when he found he had taken care of his business. Of course I got that smile. The press of his lips to veiled cheek brought my hand to lightly squeeze his. He has been a good friend beyond my guard. I had so wanted to see him step proudly onto the deck of that brand new ship he would Captain.

I made sure he had everything he could possibly need for his travels. A trunk brought to him to fill with his belongings and passage purchased for him to get to where he needed to go as quick as possible. Our last goodbye brought me tearful. It has been good to have a friend.

Trusk.. I wish you enough. My home will always be open to you. Tal and Safe Journeys, may the Priest Kings watch over you.

( To the mun of Trusk - Thank you for reminding me how nice people can be. You lifted my spirits without knowing it. Thank you for the smiles and the fun. I will miss you. If ever you want, I would love to hear from you. I wish you well! )

Silence

While a comfort level had been building between my guard and I, I was not prepared for the turn in his behavior, I suppose he feels he does this for my own good but really now, perhaps he doesn't think as high of me as I had thought. While it started out as an awkward moment to an all out war raging, I found his actions of ordering me about a bit to lofty considering I pay his wage and offer him comforts I do not have to offer. When his comment came at me about my fate, I told him that I had no fate but he seems to feel I walk a line between steel and robes. Well that is a given, that is my life, I have lived on both sides but where he got the idea I haphazzardly submitted to anyone just stunned me then brought about an anger I have not yet recovered from. Today I do not like him very much.

He asked good reason why I should not be in collar and flatly I told him because I don't want to be in one! No more will I love a man that much, no more will I offer my neck to any man. Riches and men in my life on my terms from now on. The slave is dead, end of discussion! Dawson cured me of that folly. I do not act in public as I should not.. veiled and gloved always and no one can say that I am one of those free women that would make better slaves. If I am a free woman, I am one to the core. If I am a slave, I am the one of the best around. Two completely different worlds to me.

After he hauled me out of my couch and dumped me in the tub, he took his way back to the tarn cot where he will be staying for our duration at this Inn. I have not seen him since and perhaps that is best, or perhaps he has disappeared like all the rest.

On a good note, my ship is ready and will be in Turmus within a few days.

Trusk

He is a man worth watching and I find I spend many an ehn doing just that. He is a thoughtful man, a man who thinks with a remarkable common sense. He is not quick to react but will weigh the word, the inflection and come to slow opinion with an intelligent or thought provoking answer. I find I speak to him as if defending myself on occasion and he never speaks to me in an accusatory style.. I know why I do this.. I would hate to see the look of disgust in his eyes should I cross a line with him. I realized this today when we walked along the trail the led above the pool. He asked me what I saw when I looked out at the forest, the rock face and the pool below. I answered that I saw great beauty. Certainly it was but his answer of what he saw was so much different. As he compared me to each bit of surrounding nature, in my mind I could see the faces of men in my past that the description would fit.

It is nice to be liked. I find I enjoy this man quite a bit. What I am finding is a man I can confide in and I care to do the same in return. A trust is forming. He has his requirements like gloves and veils which I always wear but it is his job to keep me safe and not have to risk his own life. So of course he would mention this. So far I have not angered him to badly and I will admit to testing him a bit on occasion. I can't help that, it is a natural instinct!

I like him so much.

Anxiously I await word of the completion of the ship. I am looking forward to the adventure even if I am not allowed to decorate my cabin the way I want!

In Memory of the Scribe

I told Trusk about the news I read in the paper about the death of Lucian. He took the news quietly and that seemed to break the ice to speak on the Scribe. A conversation not avoided persay, but a conversation not yet had. I asked him if Luc had told him of our past and yes, he had. Trusk had curbed what he would say in respect to Lucian but he did listen to me speak on the past. The scribe had taken a damaged creature and showed her she had something good inside so very long ago. I grew as a person with him but I have the knack of picking men short on patience and attention span. It was a good time in my life and I have never regretted it.

I laid awake staring at dark ceiling, a trip through the memories. He made an impact on my life and I hope I brought some sort of lasting memory to his. The moody Scribe in crumpled clothing, scruffed down in a curled half sit laying position, scowling in thought. That was the first glimpse I had of him. I approached him full of that Port Karian fire that their women are known for. Two personalities not even close in compatability but we seemed to give each other something we needed. He was a good owner and he brought the better of me outward.

Tal, Lucian Simon, Scribe of Ar and Port Kar. I thank you for the time we had, please be well..

The Return of Trusk

I was sitting by the fire sipping tea in the main room of the Inn. Lost in thought, reliving every moment of that wonderful visit with my family, I heard the heavy foot steps and Trusk slapping his hand down onto the counter, insistance that the Keep appear. When I looked over seeing him have that one fur in a strangle hold, I decided it was time to retreat upstairs to my room and headed that way rather quickly. That blasted Keep looked directly at me as the reason to why he was back to one rather mangy looking fur. The bellow of my name, full name mind you, halted me on the steps and a turn with charming smile as I faced the rather irate man. He did have me a bit nervous.

His inquiry to my actions brought cool answers that since he was not sleeping in them, certainly he didn't need the extra furs and it was then that he captured my wrist and lead me to the tarn cot to meet the conditions he sleeps in at night to ensure I had the last room of the Inn. The clench of his jaw was enough to keep my tongue in check and once out to the tarn cot I found myself sticking close to him as it was smelly, cold, very dark and quite frightening. I asked if there were tarns in there and he said yes, there were. I waited for one to attack or something while being taught what he volunteered to do for my benefit by sleeping out there. I felt bad for him and now knew why he usually smelled like he needed a bath. I relented, more furs for him and I insisted we go speak to the Keep to find a better arrangement. I am not sure why I was being so nice..

Anyway, a new arrangement made. After seeing his irritation, I have now reconsidered the dock of pay and will not do what I had planned. He had his work cut out for him. He has to outfit the ship. He mentioned in his most recent missive while he traveled that he would be hiring free men instead of buying slaves. Their pay will be handed out as the shipments are delivered. That way I am not out a chunk of coin and a crew that disappeared.

I think he will make a fine Captain.

I laid awake for some time after my hot bath and a deep snuggle into my warm furs. Listening to the sounds of the Inn. Thinking of Dawson. Dawson, I think of him quite often but try to suppress the hurt and anger. I am injured inside and have retreated to heal. I felt so separate from his life, not really part of everything he was. I found that gap so difficult to understand. I do not feel we are finished, only time will tell. I have changed so much in the last several hands. I think I will blame that on Trusk. I have calmed and have a positive outlook and I am willing to take things as they may. He has been very good for me.

I must remember to tell Trusk about the Scribe. I was reading the paper and see he has passed on to the Cities of Dust. For a moment that brought a sadness in my heart. While it had been many years since I had been his, he had taught me a few things about myself that I have not forgotten. Time with him was good while it lasted. I hadn't seen him for some time and had wondered how he faired at Destiny Point. Trusk told me Lucian had traveled to Ar. I hope he is at peace, he was a discontented soul. Fondly Lucian, I wish you well.

Port Cos

Trusk went to Tharna to deal with some business so that left me some free time. The ship should be finished by the end of the hand. I am rather excited about the prospect of travel and exploration.

The few days I had sent me to Port Cos to see my children. The reunion was incredible and I found myself buried in a pile of children, happily hugging and kissing each, inspecting each for grooming and grilling them on their studies. They seem just as happy with Max as they were with me so some of the anxiety has melted away but nothing can take away the hole left in my life without them there with me. Maximillian too has benefited from his sisters and brothers in the same house with him. He is a wonderful child and while I was respectful of his mothers place, I had plenty of love and hugs for him too. The four of them soothed troubled soul.

Max could see there was much on my mind. I wonder if he realizes how many years we have been in each others lives. We have found a contentment in each other. There is a new honesty between us that marks us forever together even if we will probably be apart. The love for him has never faded but time marches on, things change and lives take different paths. I know he feels the same for me and the few days in Port Cos were truly remarkable and peaceful. Ah Maximus, love of my life. Never will the first time we set eyes on each other be forgotten. All the hurt of prior years has worked its way to oblivion yet that moment is still there. Perhaps I have grown up, mellowed.. something.

The last say there each child had several ahns of alone time with me so that I could catch up on every moment of their lives and to play or talk with them depending the age. Maxine my brooding young girl on the threshold of womanhood. I worry over her at times. She is very intelligent as is showing in her studies. It won't be too many more years before Max is fighting off suitors and he will be. She is very beautiful. My young warrior, Maximus. He is at that awkward age where he is very serious about being a warrior. Proper and circumspect, treating me like a free woman, not his mother. But then there is a side that will show, a young boy needing to be held and nurtured by his mother. I have to smile in those moments and enjoy them because soon they will be gone. He misses Aris but that is understandable. A bound had been found between the two. Aris has been part of the children's life since they were very young. I do hope young Max didn't inherit the roving eye of his father. My sweet little Madeline. She is much better than I thought she would be without me. She did get teary telling me of her first few days but she has a spirit unlike the other two. She is fun loving and resilient and still so needful of both her parents. Once I had time with each, the entire family had time together. The four children so fun to watch and even Max with that proud father like smile. In the course of my travels once the ship arrives, Port Cos will be a regular port of call. While I know we can't be together right now, I need them. They sooth something untameable in me.. being a mother was the one thing I did right.

Once back to the Inn I spoke to the Inn Keep and had the extra furs I had put to the tarn cot for Trusk taken back. He was not yet back so I was sure he would not need them, why pay the coin for them. Too, I am considering docking his pay for the days he is gone, pay he already has!

Yes, I have missed the man these last days and I hope he will return soon.